7 Safety Products (for the Incredibly Paranoid)
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You probably wear your seatbelt, look both ways before crossing the street and make sure your chicken is cooked thoroughly before cramming it into your mouth. Safety first, right? Well guess what, you're not taking it nearly far enough. Judging by the safety gear out there on the market, there are horrifying, retarded dangers you've never even thought of. #7.
"The Back Up" Bed Shotgun System
What's the American dream? We're going to have to go with, "Laying in bed whilst fighting off hordes of criminals and/or zombies." But damn is that hard to coordinate. You want to be all comfy and your shotgun is way over there in the closet. That straight up sucks. You could get out of bed, but what is this, North Korea? You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way.
What you need is a solution to bring bed and shotgun together in a comfy, lethal combo. Say hello to the Back Up. It's a shotgun mounting rack that fits between your mattress and box spring so that, in a pinch, your shotgun is mere seconds away and you don't have to stop watching Maury or stop eating pistachios to get it. At this point you're probably already polishing your gun and all atwitter with excitement that you need not expend any extra effort in shooting those hooligans who keep coming into your bedroom.
But wait, is that trepidation? Worried that you sleep on the wrong side of the bed? Fear not! As the website states, thanks to the Back Up's patented design, it can fit on either side of the bed. In fact, they recommend putting one on both sides, so that you can take out the fuckers coming in the door while your wife peppers rounds into the zombies at the window. #6.
"The Evacuchut" Office Building Escape Parachute
Everyone who works in a tall office building these days has to, in the back of their mind, imagine what they'd do in the event of a massive fire on the floors below them. We've all seen horrible images of this scenario playing out, and of course here we're talking about the70s movie The Towering Inferno, starring Faye Dunaway, Steve McQueen and OJ Simpson. Fortunately, for those of us who fear that kind of nightmare situation, and who like to rely on cartoon logic to solve our problems, there is the Evacuchute. Peace of mind is just $2,500 away.
Designed for the office worker who would rather crash out of a window from the 93rd floor than wait for a potential rescue, the Evacuchute is your workplace emergency parachute evacuation system of choice.
And just because any school that teaches BASE jumping won't even think of training you unless you've done about 100 skydives and are fully licensed, odds are you'll do fine when you're in a panic and, with no training, bash out the window of your office and fly to safety when the smoke alarm goes off because someone overcooked some microwave popcorn. #5.
The Bulletproof Backpack
We all want to keep our children safe, and that's perfectly understandable. You don't let your toddler ride on the hood of the car or use your jackhammer without supervision. When they have the kickboxing matches in your back yard, you don't let them glue the glass to their fists (well, you don't let their opponents do it). But it's possible to take even something like child safety too far. For instance, we have the people who design school supplies that are bullet and knife proof, such as this $200 backpack.
We guess a bulletproof backpack would pay off the day someone shoots you in the back during the few minutes out of the day when you actually have the backpack on, in the same way that having retractable ice skates embedded in the soles of your shoes will pay off the one time you're attacked by Mr. Freeze. Yes, we're aware that some children do get shot from time to time. But if you're that paranoid about your child's potential to be shot at school it may behoove you to transfer to a better school district rather than outfitting them with a backpack and spending your days praying that, if and when someone runs amok with a firearm, they have the good taste to shoot your child in the one, backpack-sized area that happens to be protected.
Also, we're pretty sure the kids that need this the worst are the children of the owners of the bed-mounted gun rack up there. #4.
The Rapex Rapist Dick Destroyer
We'd like to take a moment here at Cracked.com to make light of rape. OK, maybe that's not such a hot idea. What we will mock however is Rapex, the anti-rape device meant to be worn by women. In their vagina. That's right, it's a device that's less about preventing rape and more about getting revenge on the rapist while he's raping you.
So Rapex is basically a female condom that has wire barbs in it. If a woman is attacked by a man, the barbs dig into his penis and will have to be surgically removed. It kind of turns a woman's crotch into Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi. That in turn means any woman wearing this has the most badass vagina ever.
Again we want to make it clear, we are totally for rape prevention. We're going to stand by that controversial position. But we want rape prevention that works while the rapist is still 20 yards away. Like if they could invent one of these that somehow shoots out and lands on the rapist's dick while he's still on the other side of the parking lot, we'd be all for that. Especially if somebody uploads that event to YouTube. |
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"I think someone said it before, what's to stop a rapist from just taking out the rapex? Good idea, I think, but still has some issues to work out...
Plus, you could go more extreme and make a guillotine version, so it cuts off his dick, and if he doesn't bleed to death, *POP*, you have an entire penis for DNA analysis!"
To take out the Rapex, a rapist would actually have to be able to know it's there, which would involve getting a good look at the crotch. Unless he's totally wrapped himself around the woman in question or outright pinned her, it's not going to be easy for him to do that without the girl taking the opportunity to escape, or worse yet (for the rapist,) punch him silly and THEN escape/outright knock him unconscious and bring him to the police station.
As for the guillotine version... good idea, except for the fact that the severed dick would be stuck in the woman's vagina, meaning that SHE'D require surgery as well to get it out.
@Praetorian:
The problem with the Rapex is the massive potential for abuse. Imagine your girlfriend or wife thinks you're cheating on her, even though you're not. She gets a Rapex, and decides to wear it next time you have sex "to teach you a lesson." Congrads! Your junk's just been horrifically mutilated for no good reason! And good luck convincing the hospital staff that you weren't trying to rape her as she breaks into a heartfelt sob about how horrifying it all was when you tried to have your way with her. No you're in prison too!
People forget that yes, men can be viscous, sick rapists. But women can also be batshit crazy.
As for a "good investment for college girls," are you kidding me? What happens when she decides to sleep with a guy in the heat of the moment, and happens to forget that she's wearing it? Oops, guess it's his problem now!
And of course the obvious problem with it being that it doesn't prevent or stop a rape, only punishes the rapist, which has the potential to make things infinitely worse.
Just goes to show kiddies... Foreplay matters! Survey the area and get the lay of the land before you commit your troops to the field! :P
Actually, the rapex doesn't sound like that terrible of an idea. Yes, if some lunatic breaks into your house or corners you in an alley, it might cause them to get pissed off enough to do something worse; I don't think it's designed with that in mind. Statistically, 73% of rape victims know their attackers. Not a random act of violence, but a date or a friend taking advantage. In those situations, the rapex could come in handy. Definitely a good investment for college girls.
They really could have come up with a better name for it though.
I'm a woman, but I think I'll pass on the Rapex. The pain the rapist will feel may well be severe enough that he might decide to kill me in revenge!
Hey! I have a nice pistol holster set up on the side of my bed. It is pretty practical if you own a gun for home defense. Where else would I leave it? On top of the nightstand (where the cats would knock it off), in a drawer (too slow if someone is already in my tiny house), in a safe (hahahahaha!)? Personally, I wouldn't do the same with a long gun, but that is because my puny woman muscles are much faster bringing my semi auto into action than a much bigger gun. ;)
"rapist's usually rape the ass (as i hear in the news) what if he decides to get her in the butt? and i do suspect they will put the rapex in the ass"
No, rapists usually vaginally rape their victim. Seriously, the stats aren't even close. Which news organization did you hear that from?
By the way, the part about the Rapex made me lol. I would be worried for the safety of any woman who tore up her attacker with that, but maybe it would be enough of a distraction for her to get away (and you aren't exactly safe with a rapist anyway). Can you imagine the police asking the different hospitals if they've had anyone come in with a shredded dick?
Who the f**k is stupid enough to jam their dick in a hole they do not examine first?
I want a few of those bullet proof backpacks. $200 is really affordable for that much kevlar.
I can totaly see girls who just found out they were mere booty calls using the Dick Desroyer as a practical joke on their boyfriends, or wives thinking it would be funny to try it on their soon-to-be-Ex husbands.
The swine flu didnt hit the news until April 26th this article came out April 19th.
"Let's face it, if it's not Ebola, SARS or Bird Flu, it's going to be something." What, no swine flu joke? C'mon cracked,C'Mahhhhn.
"You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way."
Hell no, us Canadians would end up making friends with them, having a few beer, and getting high as motherfuckers.
I'd say the disturbing thing about the rapex is that I'm sure people have used them for sadomasochism play...
rapist's usually rape the ass (as i hear in the news) what if he decides to get her in the butt? and i do suspect they will put the rapex in the ass
Eat a Dick, Ian Fortey.
Canadians dont f**k around when it comes to Zombies.
SoundboyThe flame thrower is a good idea for people who own really nice cars, because there's almost no limit to how far car thieves will go. If they're desperate enough, they'll use an electromagnet and load your car onto a flatbed truck.
Yeah, trust someone to make one of those fucked up rape things - what if you cheat on your girlfriend and she finds out, decides to wear one and tells you to f**k her?
Theres too many sadistic bitches out there for s**t like that to be on the market.
That pic of coppers is Australian, thats an Aussie cop car haha GO AUSSIES.
Cracked.com I haven't been coming to your site lately because of s**t like school, but I'm glad to know when I do return you give me great articles like this....this is why I love you!
The Rapex would probably just end up with a rapist really pi**ed off that a bunch of spikes were stabbed into his dick. Prevent u from being raped but increases your odds of being killed right there for mutilating a rapist's junk.
i lvoe Cracked's metaphors "Rapex sorta turns her vagina into a f*****g sarlic Pit" hahaahahahhaha
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Great Article u truly are skilled. "You could just let the criminals and zombies eat you, but that's the Canadian way." priceless
about the rapex: besides the implications of having to "wear it" I really don't think it's very practical: If he finds out before raping you or before the pain is enough to paralyze him your practically dead. Wouldn't it be much simpler (and i'm guessing kinda more comfortable)just to carry a taser in your pocket? you would just have to wait for a convenient moment and shock him, thus avoiding being actually raped and making him impossible to escape.