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Tired of your boring old body? Wish you could mutilate it, and stick a bunch of weird shit everywhere?

You're in luck, friend! There is a growing industry dedicated to decorating your body with painful, grotesque trinkets that will frighten every stranger you meet.

8
Tattoo Breast Implants

There are two things guaranteed to make any one single average person awesome. A tattoo of a skanky chick, or fake boobs. If you look through history's most awesome people--Axl Rose, Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony--they all had skanky tattoos or fake breasts. It's a fact you don't even need to look up.


But if you need proof.

Inexplicably, when Lane Jensen decided to get a tattoo of a skanky chick, and then give it breast implants, he did not enter the pantheon of awesome so much as he just made himself into a creepy weirdo with what appeared to be a leg goiter.

The implants were made from silicone, so they looked and even felt like little leg titties, and for a brief period of time his only discomfort was callused nipples on his calf. However, within a couple of weeks he started producing excess lymphatic fluid and eventually his body rejected them. Or perhaps the universe's own sense of good taste just forbade this sad experiment from continuing any longer.

7
Corset Piercing

Dating all the way back to the 1990s, when cutting and depression became fashionable again, corset piercings are, sadly, exactly what they sound like. They're surface piercings meant to emulate the appearance of an actual corset, that delightful piece of lingerie that fetish enthusiasts have kept alive long after most women decided to wear shirts that didn't strangle the breath from their torsos.

The basic idea of a corset piercing is to stab some holes in your back and lace yourself together like a dark and moody shoe. The downside of looking so perfectly Gothic is that the piercings are usually only temporary and will almost inevitably degrade into swollen, infected, nasty holes.

This is due to the fact that poking holes in your back is not a good idea according to researchers at Harvard's Institute of Back Holeology. Permanent piercings are apparently possible, if you're willing to go the extra distance to ensure you have fully healed back holes through which to hang your keys or whatever when you're not being dreary at a club or industrial rave.

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6
Skull Implants

You've probably found yourself trapped in an elevator or in line at the supermarket with a bunch of strangers at some point in your life and thought how much easier things would be if you had small metal spikes growing out of your head. You could use them to settle disputes with other males or gore your enemies, for instance.

Fortunately, someone else thought the same thing. Unlike you, however, that person took the time to drill holes in their head and insert threaded metal plugs in which spikes can be screwed.

Transdermal skull implants are the latest thing in having metal jammed into the bone that protects your brain from having metal jammed into it. Potential downsides to getting this particular procedure done are the fact that barely anyone doing it is qualified or trained since there are no qualifications or training for it yet. Also, there are no regulations on how it's done since lawmakers didn't have the foresight to know that one day a body piercer would decide he wanted to become a Triceratops.


She's just as qualified as anyone else.

On the upside this means that, since there are no regulations, when you get yours done by a drunk guy with a hammer and a Black and Decker power drill, you can rest assured that he's technically telling the truth when he says he's doing it right.

5
Arm Ears

Yelling "fire" in a crowded room won't create a stampede as furious as the one escaping an approaching performance artist. Most people would gladly choose a towering inferno of flesh to watching a man shit in a cup and explain why it's an artistic statement.

So it's not entirely surprising to learn that performance artist Stelios Arcadious has had an ear implanted in his forearm. Not content with the power to make people shit where they're standing simply by rolling up his sleeve, he also plans to implant a microphone so people can listen to what his arm-ear is hearing. So pretty much whatever you would hear if you put your head against the man's arm.


"People are going to want to know what my arm sounds like."

The ear was grown in a lab from cultured cells. All so that a man who looks vaguely like Peter Boyle would have something to occupy the audience while they passed his poop cup around. Not your proudest day, Science.

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4
Subdermal Implants

Sometimes piercings just can't cut the mustard in terms of mangling your outward appearance, as it's obvious to any onlooker that you merely have a chunk of metal or plastic lodged in your perineum. However, through the miracle of subdermal implants your run of the mill piece of flea market jewelry can now be mistaken for an unusually-shaped tumor.

In a nutshell, a subdermal implant is exactly what the name suggests: an implant beneath the skin. Usually made from Teflon or silicone, a glorified spatula is used to hollow out a pocket in your flesh and the implant is then crammed in there. You can choose any stylish shape you've ever wanted to bulge unnaturally from your skin, such as a horseshoe, a pair of brass knuckles or a bust of Egon from the Ghostbusters.


"This is a really fun job."-Cracked Photoshop Department.

You're going to want to wrap the part of your body for a couple of weeks, as any sudden movements might leave you with an awesome Teflon star rattling around in your ball pouch. And you better hope that whoever implanted that pentagram shaped tumor in your forehead was using clean instruments. Otherwise, your body may reject the implant and try to vomit it up through the skin.

Ever experience what it's like for your body to force out a splinter, reducing you to child-like weeping if something bumps the pus-filled sore around it? Now imagine it trying to do the same thing to a chunk of Teflon coated titanium half the size of your hand.

3
Extraocular Implant

If you're like most of us, you hate nothing more than to look in the mirror day in and day out and see not a damn thing lodged in your eyeball. Your eye is a lazy sack of shit with some of the best real estate on your entire face. If you don't have nice boobs, your eyes may be the thing most people focus on when they speak to you. And what do they have going for them? Glasses? Spider webs of red veins from your last Lysol bender? Pathetic.

Well, thanks to the miracle of modern insanity, you can have shit attached right to your eyeball. Like, right to it. Finally people can look at you in a confused manner as they try to figure out how you got some piece of a shitty charm bracelet stuck in your eye until you break down and explain it to them.

The procedure was first done in the Netherlands and isn't really available elsewhere, though several states are trying to ensure it never gets a chance to become legal. Obviously our elected officials are deathly afraid of the proletariat getting access to tacky eye jewelry and starting a sparkly, fantastic revolution.

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2
Magnetic Implants

Here's a dilemma most of you toil with daily: You want to stick random shit to your skin, but hate all of that glue and tape residue. And what can be worse than coming home at night and trying to rip all of the ornaments off your chest without yanking out all of the hair under them?

Luckily, industrious and semi-artsy body modification enthusiasts have invented a solution. Take the above technique of ramming foreign objects under the skin, and put a magnet there instead! Now you can pick up any random piece of decorative crap--as long as it's metal--and have it attach to you with ease.

An added and slightly creepy bonus to the use of magnetic implants is the ability to sense magnetic fields. Those who have had the implants inserted have demonstrated an uncanny knack for locating power transformers and following magnetic currents in cookware. Basically this means if you have a lot of very strong magnetic implants you can become the most useless superhero ever.

1
Genital Beading

If you ever took the time to read up on witch trials from back in the day, you may have read that a lot of witches were accused of fornicating with Satan himself in exchange for their dark and mysterious powers. And while that may sound awesome to the modern crop of Goth kids, you have to assume the devil sucks at foreplay and doesn't fix breakfast for you when he's done. And if you really thought hard about it, you may stop to wonder just what the devil's wang looks like. Probably evil. Probably like someone who's had genital beading done.

If you want your own devil penis, you have to be willing to let someone use a large gauge needle or a scalpel to poke holes in the shaft of your dong. Of course the ladies can do it too, only along the labia instead.

Small balls of titanium, silicone or some such are then inserted into the incision and the incision is closed up. Each bead requires two cuts for the needle to get in and back out again, and a rod is used to jam the bead in place. And, to reiterate, it's being jammed somewhere under the skin of your junk.


Like this, only as a penis.

The end result of this process is, of course, pure abject horror in the form of what could easily be mistaken for the penis of a living abacus.

For scientific explanations of why people do shit like this, check out 5 Douchebag Behaviors Explained by Science. Or for examples of weird shit people do to prevent unplanned body modification in the pelvic region, check out History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives. Or, visit the Cracked.com Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.

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