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The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Old School PSAs
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If you want to know why your parents are the way they are, it's because they were likely raised on a series of deeply disturbing educational films. Back before kids were raised by TV, these productions got shown in classrooms across the country, each one heavy on fear, but light on facts. As a public service, we've edited together highlights from some of the most hilariously bad lessons ever put on film. Take careful notes, or you might not learn that ... #6.
Pornography Will Literally Destroy Civilization
As Learned From: Perversion for Profit a 1965 film commissioned by The Citizens for Decent Literature, presumably as porn for people with a self-hatred fetish. The film kicks off with host George Putnam introducing a series of firmly! exclamatory! facts! angrily shouted into the camera, then transitions right to twenty solid minutes of pornographic pictures.
The "shocking" images are accompanied by helpful tips on where to find such filth, as ol' George breathlessly explains that, "They can be bought openly by anyone in drug stores, groceries, delicatessens, terminals, malt shops, cigar stores, news stands ... all over the country!"
Putnam points out that, "This same kind of rot ... and decay caused sixteen! of the nineteen! major civilizations to vanish from the earth!" That's right, kids, the Roman Empire wasn't brought down by economic decline or Germanic expansion. The culprit was two-dimensional renderings of titties. And yet, Japan survives. The film also implies that the sickos who buy Playboy will suddenly rape you and your children, and gives helpful advice on what to do if you come into contact with the stuff ...
Short of involving the police, George generously invites you to join his local chapter of The Citizens for Decent Literature. That may not sound like fun, but keep in mind that the man thinks anti-porn tirades should be accompanied by lots of pornography. Probably not ideal circumstances for boob-gazing, but before the internet, we'd imagine you took what you could get. #5.
Homosexual Men are Bloodthirsty Predators
As Learned From: "Boys Beware", a chronicle of the various ways gay men of 1961 stalked their young prey, courtesy of Sid Davis. The narrator warns that "the homosexual" can be anywhere, and he just isn't happy unless he's sodomizing a naive teenager.
This film helps those young, tender, blond boys recognize the dangers of the mentally ill homosexual, and points out some warning signs. Is the man being a little too friendly? Offering gifts? Playing basketball with you? Then he's almost definitely planning to dump your corpse on the pile of dead teenage rape victims in his back yard. The film was commissioned by the Inglewood Police Department--which says a lot about Southern California cops of the early 60s--and shown to pubescent boys in classrooms across the country.
Strangely, in addition to all of the scenes of homosexuals snatching innocent young boys off the corner, our narrator implies that simply being the victim of "the homosexual" can get you in legal trouble yourself: "Finally, Jimmy told his parents, and they reported it to the juvenile authorities. Ralph was arrested. And Jimmy was released on probation in the custody of his parents."
Sure, he got off with probation. But if Jimmy continues getting molested against his will, some hard jail time will apparently be the only recourse. What better way to break a young boy of his getting-mollested habit than sending him to prison? #4.
Teens Only Learn Via Snide Criticism
As Learned From: "Habit Patterns" (1954) and 'Body Care and Grooming" (1948), two delightful films that teach young ladies nothing brings out the best in a person faster than snarky criticism and sneering observations about their appearance. Habit Patterns tells the story of "Barbara," who is helped along by the fairy Godmother-like narrator who admonishes her for sleeping in, eating quickly, drumming her fingers on a desk and, most unforgivable of all, being an awkward teenager at social functions.
In the most nagging tone imaginable, our narrator compares habitually late and disgusting Barbara to her OCD-riddled neighbor Helen. Of course, telling teenage girls to exaggerate their perfectly average flaws doesn't work in real life. But in a bizarre choice for an educational film, it doesn't even work in the story, which ends with Barbara dissolving into hysterics while the narrator sneers, "It's a little late for tears, isn't it Barbara?" We're surprised it doesn't follow up with instructions on how to make a noose out of her belt.
Body Care and Grooming, meanwhile, is another film with helpful tips about appearance. Just witness the young man's reaction to the hideously disheveled coed who dares to stand next to him. He marches off while the helpful narrator berates the woman for not making the man "behave like a human being."
Trust us, young lady. Nothing will make Joe College angrier than the sight of rumpled bobby socks. And you wouldn't like Joe College when he's angry. Well, look on the bright side--at least you're not a pothead. Because as we'll soon find out, that can lead to only one thing ... |
Duck and cover was hilarious. They were still showing that one to us in the 60's. Of course, the better advice is to bend over, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass good bye
Our Cities Must Fight is pure evil. Jesus, America, what the hell was in your water in the 50s? Institutionalised racism, lying to the public about nukes, blatant violations of your own Constitution (McCarthy's madness), a nuclear arms race with a country you KNEW had about ten A-bombs and no real way to shoot them at you. I mean...WTF?
well i lerned my lesson, if im riding my bike and i see a flash immediately leap of the bike no matter where I am. Like on the rode for instance
The dude doing the Perversion for Profit PSA has one of those lisps
"homosexualssssssss".
In addition to these PSAs, I always loved the Classic, Smoking is good for you and medically recommended Circa, 1920-1970
http://therealblogdonkey.blogspot.com/2008/11/remember-when-smoking-was-good-for-you.html
pretty damn funny
Dennis and southern guy:
The flash comes first. Light moves faster than sound; the light is produced the instant the bomb goes off, and vaporizes the paint off of things. The shock wave then blasts everything over.
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Wow hyz thanks for that completely pointless explanation on the protection a blanket will offer in the case of nuclear war. I can only hope you were trying to be funny in only the way a chemist who has way to much free time on his hands can. Maybe you should create a PSA explaining the dangers of how being a pretentious nerd can greatly decrease the chance of ever losing your virginity.
WTF?! Don't you kids be masturbating while you Duck and Cover, otherwise those gay faggots will come and try to sell you their weed!
STAR TREK trailer leaked! May 2009!! Awesome...
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While ionizing radiation (alpha, beta, gamma and x-rays)can most certainly pierce a blanket, the radioactive particulates cannot. Assuming that you don't get a lethal dose of radiation immediately (which depends on your distance from ground zero and the power of the bomb), the greatest radiation danger comes from radioactive elements collecting in your body. If you can leave the irradiated area within a reasonable amount of time, then you'll be safe with nothing more than a slightly increased cancer risk. But if you inhale radioactive dust, it'll be stuck in your lungs and you'll carry it with you for a very long time, which is far more dangerous to you than the initial non-lethal radiation exposure. The radioactive elements trapped in your body will just keep irradiating you until they're removed.
This is the reason that they issue iodine tablets to people who are exposed to radioactive environments. The iodine doesn't do a thing to protect you from radiation, but it does saturate your thyroid gland so that it won't have any space left to absorb any radioactive iodine that you might accidentally consume.
No matter how much they want to reassure people with the "duck and cover" thing, I don't see how that helps to teach people bullshit instead of telling them "RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR YOUR DEAR LIFE!!"
Also, the narrator seems strangely enthusiastic about the possibility of a nuclear holocaust. Seriously, listen how joyful he sounds when saying "Duck and cover!"
Also also, it's sad that the writer didn't mention that "duck & cover" was mocked in South Park, only it was shown as a way to survive a volcanic eruption rather than a nuclear blast.
Southern_guy, just a few bits of info....
1. the shock wave from the blast is powerful enough to knock the paint off a car in less than a second, then vaporize it to smithereens a short time later. And that is if the car was 1 miles away (at that time).
2. Those radioactive particles from the ash you want to protect yourself from? They can travel through at 7 feet of concrete, or 2 feet of lead. Imagine how much cloth or paper you would need in order to protect yourself.
3. Lightning comes before thunder. Lightning is the flash. Thunder is the shock wave.
This is exactly the kind of misinformation that we want to stop (and love to make fun of, LOL)
im pretty sure this story is actually old. go to http://stuffididlastnight.com for full details
Hmmm, I think Refer Madness should have been #1.
The "Duck and Cover" idea seems idiotic (and it is), but consider this: Kids had to be told SOMETHING. What were they supposed to say? "If you see a bright flash, don't bother doing anything because, uh, you're fucked"? It's the same mentality that we still see today with tornado drills. When you were in school, what did they tell you? Kneel down next to a wall and cover your head. And they still do it. It won't help if an F4 rips through, but they have to say SOMETHING.
All that garbage about pot smoking is because no one knew s**t about it.
Now, usually you see the bomb coming at you so ducking and covering good if you have no time to get to ta fallout shelter..... oddly enough they made a lot of elementary schools fallout shelters....
Good argument Southern_guy. I'm sure so many of us would rather live many more years with the pain of radiation poisoning than dying instantaneously in the blast.
It was a joke btw.
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