9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals

The American Original:

Batman, the famed defender of Gotham City, and his acrobatic sidekick Robin team up to put villains like Catwoman, The Joker and The Penguin behind bars.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

Bathman, the famed lover from the planet Eros, and his masturbating sidekick Robina team up to diddle villains like Catwoman, The Joker, and the gay Penguin.

Yup, it's a porn. (Warning: NSFW but the nudity's subpar anyway).

Why It's better:

Holy Batporn, Bathman!

Just as the Japanese Spiderman enhances the hero by stripping away his emotional baggage, the Italian Batman bravely reinvents the stoic Caped Crusader as a happy-go-lucky boning machine. This should be a welcome change of pace for fans dissatisfied with Christian "I Gargle with Whiskey and Thumbtacks" Bale's portrayal.

Additionally, the Italian Batman is an alien. This revelation will indubitably add a new layer of richness to ongoing internet message board debates over whether Batman would "pwnz0rs" other pop cultural figures such as Superman, Wolverine, or Grimace from the old McDonald's ads.

Finally, this film is a bold new step for the pornographic medium as a whole. American porn is all "moneyshot this" and "facial that." As the clip below demonstrates, Italian smut peddlers really know how to inject some fun into erotica. And when we say "fun," we mean "bicycles!"

The American Original:

In his hometown of Sweet Haven, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Olive Oyl and Wimpy, all the while vexing his arch-nemesis Bluto.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In Chinese Hell, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Bruce Lee and Caine from Kung Fu, all the while vexing his arch-nemeses Dracula, Clint Eastwood, the Exorcist, and James Bond.

We have now officially reached the point in the article where the jokes write themselves.

Why It's Better:

In the years following Bruce Lee's 1973 death, Asian studios released a series of low-budget "Bruceploitation" movies to capitalize on the martial arts phenom's passing. Armed with a small army of Bruce Lee imitators (i.e. Bruce Li, Bruce Lei, Lee Bruce) and a shared assumption that the audience was dumb as a load of bricks, the studios milked poor Bruce's corpse for all the zombie milk they could get.

Perhaps the most offensive offering was The Dragon Lives Again. Released less than three years after Lee's death, the film was infamous for its Mad Libs-style cast of characters, leading man Bruce Leung's utter lack of resemblance to Bruce Lee, and the many jokes about the deceased star's giant penis. To see why some folks might have been upset, imagine an upcoming Bernie Mac biopic in which Bernie (who is inexplicably Mexican) must save the underworld from Indiana Jones, Martin Sheen, Saruman, and Jigsaw from Saw with the help of Alf, Snagglepuss, and his own elephantitis-wracked testicles.

The silver lining to this shitshow is Chinese Popeye. That repulsive two second sequence of him horking down a wad of green cellophane made our stomachs churn less than the entirety of Robin Williams's Popeye.

The American Original:

Beloved cartoon characters/corporate prostitutes Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny compete for children's affections; encourage them to eat sugary breakfast cereal.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

Beloved cartoon characters/Hamas sympathizers Farfour and Assud team up with Hamas to win childrens' affections/encourage them to eat the Jews.

And you thought we were kidding.

Cartoon characters and politics have been historical bedfellows - during World War II, Daffy Duck fought the Nazis and Superman promoted cross-cultural understanding with the Japanese. In modern Palestine, the creators of the kid's program Tomorrow's Pioneers have recruited Bugs and Mickey to overthrow the world's Zionist puppet masters. They have also apparently hired Borat as their screenwriter.

We at Cracked have already reported on Farfour, the high-pitched, Jew-hating mouse. But since then, Farfour's had a spat of bad luck, namely getting punched to death by a bloodthirsty Israeli for refusing to sell his land.

With Farfour gone, Tomorrow's Pioneers ignored the obvious theological conundrum of a rodent becoming a martyr and foisted hosting duties upon Assud, an equally creepy and shrill rabbit. Assud's hosting gig was short-lived as he soon had his hands lopped off as punishment for robbery.

The devil made him do it. Seriously.

If history is any indicator, the next host of Tomorrow's Pioneers will be an anti-Semitic Yogi the Bear who will be publicly stoned for his addiction to picnic baskets.

Why It's Better:

Oh, who are kidding? This shit's scarier than Badi.

The American Original:

There is no precedent for 3 Dev Adam. It is the alpha and omega of cinematic narrative.

The Foreign Rip-Off:

In swinging 70s Istanbul, Captain America and Mexican Lucha Libre superstar El Santo have teamed up to take down the most perverted counterfeiter in town...Spiderman?

Why It's Better:

The beauty of 3 Dev Adam (or "The 3 Mighty Men") is that it's that movie you wrote when you were 6 but with all the sex and violence you love at 25. And nothing quite epitomizes this man-child aesthetic like Turkish Spider-Man.

3 Dev Adam transforms Spider-Man, the most nobly nebbish of superheroes, into the Turkish Hannibal Lecter. Watch below as he murders a woman with a boat propeller, strangles a naked woman in a bathtub with a telephone cord, and feeds a man's eyes to a hamster.

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, strangling Turkish Spider-Man..."

These scenes bring up a whole host of questions that the movie has absolutely no interest in answering. Why the hell would Spider-Man counterfeit lira? Why didn't they just call Turkish Captain America "Captain Turkey?" What the hell is up with Spider-Man's eyebrows? Throw out all questions, friends. If you agree not to question its central conceits, then 3 Dev Adam will tickle your corneas with wonder.

For unintentionally hilarious film violence from our shores, check out 10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Make You Laugh. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.