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7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit)

By Jeff Kelly July 9, 2008 1,325,163 views
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#3.
Victory (AKA Escape to Victory)

The Hollywood Version:
During World War II, a group of Allied prisoners that included the unlikely trio of Pele, Michael Caine and Sly Stallone (who was between Rocky II and First Blood) spent their time in a Nazi prison camp playing soccer. The Nazis, being the clever bastards they were, came up with a can't-miss propaganda extravaganza in which a team of their best and brightest would take on this Allied side, clearly having never heard of Pele.

The Allied team accepts, hoping to use this match as a means of escape. However, once they get their perfect opportunity to escape during halftime, they choose instead to return to the pitch and try to beat the Nazis thus winning respect, rather than their freedom. It should be noted that they were relying on Stallone as their keeper. After a miraculous save by--you guessed it--Stallone, there was much rejoicing, and the Allies escape during the ensuing chaos.

In reality ...
Well, for one thing, there was no Allied team. That means no random Brazilian like Pele, that means no cheeky Brit like Caine, and that certainly means no out of place palooka like Stallone manning the net. Instead, this story is inspired by a group of Ukrainians who were forced into playing the Germans while their country was occupied during WWII.

The Nazis lost to the upstart club miserably and repeatedly, with the Ukrainians destroying them in the final match by a decisive and wholly embarrassing 8-0 score. So that's pretty inspiring, right?

Well, shortly thereafter, the Gestapo found various reasons to arrest and then torture several members of the Ukrainian team. After all, the Gestapo were assholes like that. One player died during the torture process, while the rest were shipped off to a work camp. And, well, executed.

God, that's depressing. And that's precisely why Hollywood chose to Stallone the shit out of it.

#2.
Good Morning, Vietnam

The Hollywood Version:
Vietnam, it would seem, was not a good time. What with all the crazy flashbacks, Forrest Gump getting shot in the ass while Willem Dafoe strikes a Jesus pose, and the ridiculous amount of protests that it inspired. How could a regular man or woman make it through without blowing their fucking brains out?

Adrian Cronauer, that's how. A radio disc jockey from Detroit, Cronauer basically told authority to stick a pickle up its ass while ranting and raving with the funniest damn shit you've ever heard, accompanied by a fantastic '60s rock and roll soundtrack, while also teaching impressionable Vietnamese citizens to curse angrily and play baseball along the way.

Cronauer, as portrayed in the movie, is a staunch anti-war liberal. Half of his rantings have to do with how ridiculous the establishment is, or why Army fashion is really awful. He told the Army to stick it repeatedly and with great emphasis, and for his troubles he was sent off to (hopefully) be killed by a commanding officer and then had his ass booted out of the Army.

In reality ...
Well, Army fashion sense notwithstanding, everything else we've mentioned is pretty much fabricated. We hate to break it to you, but it turns out that, shockingly, Adrian Cronauer's story was completely re-tooled in order to fit the manic (and pre-family friendly) comedy stylings of Robin Williams.

In reality, while Cronauer did indeed play some sweet tunes, he rarely resorted to flat out comedy bits, and in fact stated that pretty much everything Williams did in the film would have gotten his ass court-martialed. He was never booted from the military, either. No, he had a far more controversial exit: he went home when his tour was over.

As far as being a staunch anti-war liberal, all we can tell you is this: Cronauer, now a lawyer, is “lifelong card-carrying Republican” and was a vice-chairman for the 2004 Bush/Cheney re-election campaign.

#1.
The Hurricane

The Hollywood Version:
The Hurricane is the story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a boxer boasting great talent, a really sweet nickname, and a badass Bob Dylan song he inspired. The movie tells us the story of how Hurricane was a promising middleweight who was falsely accused and convicted of a triple homicide, derailing his boxing career but making him prime to be the subject of a great protest song.

Luckily, after 20 years in prison as an innocent man convicted by a bitterly racist system, three young white people from a magical land called "Canada" took up his cause and, after discovering a key piece of evidence, proved Hurricane's innocence and set him free.

In reality ...
First, there is a scene in the film where Carter beats the shit out of an inferior white boxer (Joey Giardello) only to lose when blatantly racist judges award the fight to the white man. In real life, Carter lost the fight so badly that the real Giardello sued the filmmakers over the scene and got a nice settlement out of it.

But far more disturbing is the whole murder thing. We're not saying Carter committed the crime, we'll just casually point out that by the age of 14, the Hurricane had already been arrested for assault and armed robbery. By 22, he had been imprisoned twice for "brutal street muggings." He was booted from the military after being court-martialed a whopping four times, being described as "unfit to serve." But, hey, nobody expects boxers to be model citizens. It doesn't mean he killed anyone, right?

Well, when it came to the murders, there was enough evidence to convict him twice (both times set aside due to procedural errors by the prosecution). Carter failed a lie detector test--miserably--and then was given a chance to re-take it after he'd been imprisoned for awhile. He refused. At his second trial, several witnesses who had provided Carter's alibi admitted they had been asked to lie for him.

But what about that evidence that proved his innocence? Well, there was in fact none. The judge was forced to throw out the conviction because the prosecution had failed to turn over some evidence and thus didn't give Carter a fair trial. The prosecution could have chosen to re-try the case from scratch to convict Carter a third time, but they decided it wasn't worth doing since 22 years had passed and all of the people involved were either dead or ridiculously old.

Of course the law is the law and the law said Carter could go free. But it's probably not quite accurate to use Carter's story as proof that the criminal justice system is run by the Klan. The whole thing has really made us question Bob Dylan's research skills.



For an article in which we call bullshit on more of your favorite flicks, check out 11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy or our look at 5 Things Hollywood Thinks Computers Can Do.


also, in light of the good morning vietnam thing, did u guys know jimi hendrix supported the war cuz he knew communism sucked ass? he just got looped in with everyone else.

10/23/2009 12:29:24 PM
choppin_meat420

nicko, gein was arrested with people's parts in his freezer and other parts of the house. the skin lamp was made outta someone he killed. i believe he also had a shrunken head soup bowl outta someone he killed, but that coulda been an already dead guy.





f*****g idiot.

10/23/2009 12:27:41 PM
choppin_meat420

nicko9000, how can you say 'nor any form of killer' about Ed Gein when he definitely killed twice? I just double checked it. You're a bit cheeky moaning that others should check their facts!

10/3/2009 12:31:58 PM
JetZall

Very amusing and informative. Apparently, this means they should make a sequel: Rudy 2. It'll be a story about a guy who goes against the odds and studio execs to spend years of his life boasting about himself and making up s**t to have a movie made about him being carried by a couple of guys.

9/19/2009 2:55:57 AM
bubba2314

KC86, try doing some research before you write something.
Ed Gein was not a serial killer. Nor any form of killer. He made jewelry and clothing out if skin and bones from already dead people. He was a graverobber, not a serial killer.

f*****g idiot.

9/18/2009 4:30:07 PM
nicko9000

f**k Bob Dylan the Jew sandnigger!

9/5/2009 11:41:13 AM
ericcartman

I agree with Hurricane. Bob Dylan is a Jew and Jews like multiculturalism, that's why he seems to defend the n****r...

9/5/2009 11:39:12 AM
ericcartman

I knew Joe Clark, worked with him in the summer, and knew someone who taught at his school. He was a bad man, in the bad way. Besides lying about test scores (he did that in the real world) he did carry a baseball bat.

9/3/2009 6:24:04 PM
MargoArrowsmith

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is loosely based on Ed Gein, yes. And I do mean loosely. A soft spoken schizophrenic, as opposed to a chainsaw wielding troll.
Also, the family is based on the Beane's, who were a 15th or 16th century inbred clan who lived in caves and cannibalized people. They were really rather vicious.
Most modern day serial killer movies are based on bits and pieces of various cases throughout history. A lot of them are grossly inaccurate.

8/27/2009 3:07:08 PM
wickedmonkey

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is derived from a "true story." Ed Gein...serial killer/grave robber...had mommy issues. He was also inspiration for Buffalo Bill's character in "Silence of the Lambs." He didn't go chasing teenagers with a chainsaw but he did sew the flesh of people together to make a mask and lampshades and all that. Sad truth, but the truth nonetheless.

8/21/2009 5:59:15 AM
KC86

Wait wait wait... Will Smith solving a Rubik's Cube to impress? That was from a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode, where Will managed to solve the college dean's Rubik's cube that the nunce had been working on for years.

8/20/2009 3:41:46 PM
daedalusmachina

And then, there are the ones who flat out lie about the whole thing even having the smallest grain of reality to it. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" begins with a note a la "Blair Witch" that the following events are based on a true story. And guess what? They're not. Even a little bit. They just put that there. There wasn't even a dude working on the film who, while driving past a decrepit old farm, turned to his buddy and said, "Hey, think we could make a movie about a psychotic cannibal family living there?".

8/14/2009 1:39:50 PM
Athene18

Amen AVP preach that s**t.

8/13/2009 7:18:58 PM
spiderbyte101

ladyluckbj, stop spreading Bullshit and defend Hollywood racists. 21 was based on a book written by Jeff Ma, who was played by a white guy in the movie. The team actively recruited Asians because Casinos were racist as well would not pay attention to them. There was maybe 2 white guys and a few blacks in the team of over 80. 15% MY ASS. Read the damn book before spreading misinformation. The f****r Jeff Ma was called Race Traitor for selling out for the cash. This movie totally deserve to be on this list. Hollywood is utterly and completely racist, and anyone who says other wise is ignorant and most likely, WHITE.

8/13/2009 11:48:22 AM
avp

They forgot to put Hidalgo on this list. Remember that thrilling "cowboy civilizes Arabs" movie that come out some years ago? About the "ocean of fire" race spanning the middle east? There was never any such race, and the protagonist never won it on his horse. In fact, Hidalgo wasn't even a sure winner in American horse races, let alone a foreign race against desert mares.

The only point of the movie was to create a sly action movie parallel to our wars in the Mideast; just to remind us that we're awesome and we've always been awesome, and that in the end any individual cowboy can teach those Arabs a thing or two.

I also noticed there were no real centers of civilization shown in the movie. As i recall, Damascus was a large metropolitan city. In the movie, it was a crumble stone pillar in the middle of the desert.

7/21/2009 2:55:46 PM
Afreetmaster

Just believe in your senses. What you actually experience and go through in your life is the only thing that is real. Why believe in anything you haven't experienced?

6/29/2009 1:21:32 AM
hturT

Max Baer
even though he was a decent guy in real life, the press at the time portrayed him as a villain just as the film did
however, while the film painted him as being somewhat nonchalant about killing two men with his bare hands, the real Baer was haunted by guilt for the rest of his life

for your fun-fact knowledge, his son (Max Baer, Jr.) became an actor most famous for playing Jethro Bodine on The Beverly Hillbillies

5/31/2009 6:33:48 PM
PalinIsNotAMILF

What about Cinderella Man? The opposing boxer is portrayed as the villain too but in reality he and the hero had a friendly competition.

5/24/2009 3:24:57 PM
Flashpenny

Lindsey420, how is that ironic?

5/20/2009 2:27:12 AM
Ste7en

Boys Don't Cry was also extremely inaccurate, barely talking to the people involved and never even donating a penny to Teena Brandon's family (to this day s/he doesn't even have a gravestone). It left out a character who was murdered (a black guy who was physically disabled) and made Lisa Lambert look sympathetic when she was actually somewhat responsible for the killings.

I was so sad when I learned about that.

5/4/2009 10:53:12 AM
Glasswalker
Cracked stuff on