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11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy

By Michael Swaim
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Every year, Hollywood pumps out "historical" epics so distorted, propagandistic and self-serving, you have to wonder just how stupid they think we are. But, try "fixing" some of those historical inaccuracies and you'll quickly realize what Hollywood screenwriters have known for years: History is lame. Here are 11 movies that make us glad no one gives a damn about trivial things like "what actually happened."

#11.
Gladiator (2000)

The Flick: Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott present the epic tale of Maximus, a Roman general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who defied an emperor and an actor/director team who threw all the audience goodwill they'd earned on this away by releasing A Good Year six years later.

The Inaccuracies: Commodus, the hare-lipped Roman Emperor who lusted after his sister in the film, was in real life held in high esteem by the senate and ruled for a successful 13 years (rather than the ineffectual few months depicted in the film). Also, though the Emperor did, in fact, have an enthusiasm for gladiatorial combat (he did so incognito), he didn't get his ticket punched in the arena. He was killed in the bath by a wrestler named Narcissus to prevent him taking office as consul.

Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: No one wants to watch Russell Crowe take 13 years to murder an emperor, who is basically a decent guy, only to get beaten to the kill by a wrestler. We like our villains like we like our Books of Genesis: with implied incestuous relationships. Also, since any Roman unit that broke ranks when in combat against barbarians would have been mercilessly slaughtered, the movie would have ended within about 15 minutes.

#10.
Braveheart (1995)

The Flick: Mel Gibson's earliest example of "loose" historical reenactment, Braveheart marks a promising start to a career later spent boiling complex political issues down to "Mel Gibson kills Englishmen with an axe" (The Patriot) and curiously drawn-out torture scenes involving his heroes (The Passion of the Christ).

The Inaccuracies: Far from a scrappy commoner who clawed his way up from the mud to defend his homeland, William Wallace was actually a knight from a noble family, and his father Malcolm wasn't killed by the English, but fought on the English side in exchange for political favor. Also, instead of kilts, the Wallace and his army wore saffron shirts.

Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: We have to imagine that if Mel Gibson were forced to play a role any more layered than that of the just and righteous warrior-king-redeemer, his face would melt off from the challenge, revealing the circuitry within. And as entertaining as that would be, it's not as entertaining as the actual movie, or the years of mileage we've gotten out of screaming "They may take our things-but they'll never take our FREEEEEEDOM!" when we have our nail clippers taken away from us at airport security.

#9.
The Patriot (1998)

The Flick: An American whose home gets attacked by foreigners goes ape shit and kills everybody of the same race as those who attacked him, even people who weren't actually involved. Yay, prescience!

The Inaccuracies: Benjamin Martin, the vaguely-named Mel Gibson character in the film, is actually based on a real guy in the Revolutionary War, Francis "Swamp Fox" Marion. Aside from having a more memorable name, there were some notable differences between Mel and Marion. Marion, for example, never single-handedly killed an entire British infantry unit. He did, however, slaughter dozens of unarmed Cherokee Indians and repeatedly raped his female slaves. So, there's that.

Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: True, it would have given us an earlier tip-off that something is dreadfully wrong with Mel Gibson, but we're not sure anyone wants to watch a movie where the bad guys burn churches full of innocent prisoners and the good guy sexually assaults slaves and hunts Indians for sport. You kind of don't know who to root for anymore, other than maybe the French-and who wants that?


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99 Comments

Also, part of the point of 2001, at least in Clarke's concept (the movie didn't delve into it as much), was that this might be achievable if the human race stopped, y'know, doing all the shit that makes Cracked writers want to leave to desert islands with kittens. Yeah, maybe he'd still be wrong, but kind of hard to tell.

Posted on 4/12/2008 1:39:46 PM

You are conflating the works "Shakespeare" and the man William Shakespeare. We know the guy existed, was an actor, etc. The controversy comes in trying to imagine how someone who we have no evidence completed much formal schooling, let alone travelled abroad, could write so voluminously and brilliantly about everything from ancient Greece to contemporary Italy, all the while sort of inventing a good portion of the English language and virtually all of subsequent English literature. Bacon is actually not one of the bigger candidates anymore for actual authorship of the plays. Marlowe is probably the leading guy as an alternative to Will. Some even think that the two collaborated, Kit writing the higher-end stuff and Will writing the comedy, the Falstaffs and Bottoms. Also: The 300 had a lot more wrong with it. The battle of Thermopylae was far more collaborative than the movie made it seem. Sparta's supposedly pure military strength didn't serve them too well in their subsequent wars with Athens, which they lost. Actually, the comic book is better on this score than the movie: They mention, for example, how Athens routed the Persian navy (sort of the actual, y'know, IMPORTANT battle - Thermpoylae and Plataea actually being far more symbolic).

Posted on 4/12/2008 1:38:36 PM

i remember seeing some movie where the bit about louis' schlong was included, as well as the operation fixing it. and you guys are right. it scarred me for life.ewwww

Posted on 4/3/2008 4:45:46 AM

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Posted on 3/30/2008 9:40:14 AM

I loved that movie, it wouldn't have been anything without the boobs, booze and jokes! Wuv it!x♥x♥

Posted on 3/27/2008 3:03:21 PM

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Posted on 3/26/2008 10:17:57 PM

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Posted on 3/26/2008 10:51:26 AM

I was just gonna say, IMDb had this as a featured article today - http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/10mosthistoricallyinaccurate.html

Posted on 3/24/2008 11:07:39 PM

PissedOff

Hey, Yahoo just ripped you guys off. http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/10mosthistoricallyinaccurate.html

Posted on 3/24/2008 2:39:45 PM

Walker

Don't be so sure about "Apocalypto". The Mayans did not just practice human sacrifice on "occasion." See http://www.livescience.com/history/human_sacrifice_050123.html

Posted on 3/24/2008 1:52:34 PM

No Man

An example of historical inaccuracy. 2001 A Space Odyssey was written in 1968 so Star Trek was around on TV, but still the book isn't a historical story of the past

Posted on 3/23/2008 11:38:30 PM

No Man

2001 wasn't about history like the other movies depicted. It was a science fiction novel as at the time it was written there was no Star Trek or Star Wars, so this movie shouldn't even be on the list to begin with

Posted on 3/23/2008 11:35:23 PM

Anonymous

I love how Yahoo almost entirely ripped this article off: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/10mosthistoricallyinaccurate.html

Posted on 3/23/2008 2:00:46 PM

OK, as to Shakespeare and Marie Ant's hubby the King of France, there is historical evidence that both were thought to be gay. Speaking of which, it was popular in greek and roman culture for only men to have other relations with men, but nothing beyond such as marriage. In defence of Amadeus, the movie is based on a novel, the man in truth was obnoxious (as evidented in letters they found), and there really was a rumor that a rival had poisoned him. Truth is, he was a very ill man and adding booze on top of that probably killed him. How he died is truely unknown. So, why not make it into a story surrounding true history? I know there are still decendents of Mozart today just the same as Mona Lisa. I do however agree with this: ANY film directed, produced, written by, and starring MEL GIBSON is INNACURRATE TO A FAULT. Sorry, he's just aweful in his work and research.

Posted on 3/10/2008 9:07:13 PM

martin456

My Amateur pictures and movies!! exlusive playgirls. .Dirty British wives and girlfriends that love to show it all off in public places.

Posted on 3/4/2008 2:54:25 PM

Lisa

Another movie with possibly some of the biggest historical inaccuracies ever: Farinelli. They took way, way too much artistic license with it, considering the truth of Farinelli's life was interesting enough.

Posted on 2/29/2008 1:22:55 PM

Ruswut

Google "Young Einstein" That was THE most inaccurate movie ever... as you probably won't watch it mainly because it sucks i'll tell you the ending. He diverts the energy away from a nuclear reactor exploding by playing an electric guitar... oh and the nuclear reactor is there to make beer fizzy. FTW?

Posted on 2/26/2008 2:28:00 PM

Kate

Yeah. Commodus was held in high esteem. BESIDES HE WAS CRAZY LIKE FUCK AND ALL ROMANS HATED HIM LIKE PESTILENCE. Seriously, geez, where are your history books? If you want to be corrective, BE corrective. Yes he was emperor. Yes he ruled quite long. AND he was crazy like fuck. Crazy in the manner that he let catch old, sick beggars and have snakes bound to their feet, so they looked like gigants and he could slay them in a hercules outfit. Or who shot wildly around in the arena and killed innocent auditors while dramatizing the stymphalian birds hunt. Oh and by the way, he was known for his love for alcohol, hot temper, killed several people of his stuff when he wanted to and never left a good fight. He was a damn violent bad-ass- AND lunatic.

Posted on 2/25/2008 4:13:20 PM

me

actualy the aztecs did sacrifice alot. they actualy whent to war just to gather prisoners for sacrifices. They almost never used weapons that killed the oponent, instead using weapons to stuned or incapacitated their foes. When they didnt have anyone else to conquer they started to demand people for sacrifice from the tribes/villages/cities they had conquered. And i think it even said some where that they sacrificed 10.000 people in one day. These sacrifices wherent made because they where savage but because they belived that they had to feed the sun with blood for it to rise every day. In the end this was thir downfall because the tribes wich paid them tribute allied with the spanish and this lead to the fall of the aztec empire.

Posted on 2/25/2008 6:45:53 AM

Rachel of Cyberia

I liked Alexander...but there wasn't enough manlove in it.

Posted on 2/24/2008 4:53:47 PM

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