11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy
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Every year, Hollywood pumps out "historical" epics so distorted, propagandistic and self-serving, you have to wonder just how stupid they think we are. But, try "fixing" some of those historical inaccuracies and you'll quickly realize what Hollywood screenwriters have known for years: History is lame. Here are 11 movies that make us glad no one gives a damn about trivial things like "what actually happened." #11.
Gladiator (2000)
The Flick: Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott present the epic tale of Maximus, a Roman general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who defied an emperor and an actor/director team who threw all the audience goodwill they'd earned on this away by releasing A Good Year six years later.
Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: No one wants to watch Russell Crowe take 13 years to murder an emperor, who is basically a decent guy, only to get beaten to the kill by a wrestler. We like our villains like we like our Books of Genesis: with implied incestuous relationships. Also, since any Roman unit that broke ranks when in combat against barbarians would have been mercilessly slaughtered, the movie would have ended within about 15 minutes. #10.
Braveheart (1995)
The Flick: Mel Gibson's earliest example of "loose" historical reenactment, Braveheart marks a promising start to a career later spent boiling complex political issues down to "Mel Gibson kills Englishmen with an axe" (The Patriot) and curiously drawn-out torture scenes involving his heroes (The Passion of the Christ).
Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: We have to imagine that if Mel Gibson were forced to play a role any more layered than that of the just and righteous warrior-king-redeemer, his face would melt off from the challenge, revealing the circuitry within. And as entertaining as that would be, it's not as entertaining as the actual movie, or the years of mileage we've gotten out of screaming "They may take our things-but they'll never take our FREEEEEEDOM!" when we have our nail clippers taken away from us at airport security. #9.
The Patriot (1998)
The Flick: An American whose home gets attacked by foreigners goes ape shit and kills everybody of the same race as those who attacked him, even people who weren't actually involved. Yay, prescience!
Why It Would Have Sucked Otherwise: True, it would have given us an earlier tip-off that something is dreadfully wrong with Mel Gibson, but we're not sure anyone wants to watch a movie where the bad guys burn churches full of innocent prisoners and the good guy sexually assaults slaves and hunts Indians for sport. You kind of don't know who to root for anymore, other than maybe the French-and who wants that? |
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actually, it was made in 1968, ragnarok05. it says it right there, next to the title. see?
Spartans not wearing armour is not an innacuracy. Spartans fought naked.
Another historical inaccuracy to throw on the pile: the Spartans were basically the ONLY Greek city-state that DID NOT condone pederasty.
And I get that people are complaining about a humor site being historically accurate, but the entire PREMISE of the article is about correcting historical inaccuracies. So yeah. Fail.
the issue that is completely overlooked with the film Amadeus is that it is based on the play of the same name, which is known to be a fictionalized account. also, new research indicates that Mozart probably died from strep. just sayin'...
Commodus was in facts widely disliked. He was self-indulgent, self-centered and contrary to what the article says, he did not fight "in cognito", demonstrated by the fact that he was always allowed to win. And although he would usually not murder his opponents in the arena, he was known to kill those with whom he practiced.
He was so self-centered that he changed Rome's name and gave it his own (Colonia Lucia Annia Commodiana); he did the same thing with the months (ALL of them, not only one -see July and August for Julius Caesar and Augustus).
The senate felt such contempt toward him, that after his murder he was declared a public enemy and underwent damnatio memoriae (his name, face, signs, statues... in short, anything that could remind people of his past existence was erased from Rome).
He's today known as "that emperor who was batshit insane".
I love how Mel Gibson is in most of the movies here.
And, to Kijuna- Dolt. They ARE an ancient civilization. Have you ever picked up history book before? No? Good, because I have an extra I'd be willing to lend you.
Oh, and dragons don't exist either- in case you were wondering.
Actually, the Mayans DID have daily human sacrifices to the heir sun god. It was their way of pleasing him, to ensure he would rise the next day. So actually, the movie was accurate- in that aspect, at least.
mayans aren't an "ancient civilization" you dildo, they're still around and have their own language and culture. sure they're not what they were before getting conquered by the Spanish but that was only a few centuries ago.
Historically inaccurate films may confuse us as to what is real and what isn't in this forsaken world, but they will never take our FREEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
no matter what f**k all you half ass critics...... cracked staff say f**k you to any unnessary research most of what you say is true and funny f**k any one else
...i don't understand why people get so mad at cracked for exaggerating a fact or skipping over a detail every once and again. i mean, the site describes itself as a HUMOR SITE and the writers frequently make cracks at their own immaturity. why can't you just roll with it and laugh at a good joke? gawd, people get so mad on here over the littlest things... i love cracked, and all of their hyperboli. (ooh, SAT vocab word!) cracked, ftw! :D
The Marie Antoinette one is not true. Whilst members (heh. member. penis.)of his family did have surgery to correct the foreskin problem, Louis 16 was not one of them. Also, consider that, at the time, there was no such thing as anesthesia or even painkillers that could work well enough to turn a surgery that primitive into anything other than some guy with an unclean knife cutting off bits of the penis into anything other than the horrifying, mentally scarring torture session it seems like - so most men who did have the surgery were never able to get it up again, therefore the offspring part of this post would never have happened.
Why the f**k do they have 2001 as the top spot? That movie was made in the m***********g 1970s! Of course it was wrong, it was made before any of those events ever happened.
Also, the Mir didnt crash cos it broke, it was basically scuttled, as it was obsolete. So you guys really need to do some actual f*****g research, like maybe read up something other then wikipedia.
I can't tell if the guys at cracked really do their research or not. Everything is presented as straight up fact, but not everythings appears to be totally accurate.
I know it's a comedy article but aren't you doing the same thing as the "bullshit" movies if you present false facts?
they may take our facts and completely convolute what we actually did or why we did it but they will never take our FREEEEEEDOM!
Check up on your Commodus story. Many consider his reign to be the start of the decline of the Roman Empire. Further, many aspects of his personality rightly justify those historians who regard him as a psychopath. He stayed within the relatively good graces of his military and some of the people. However, he was also feared and hated by the senate. Finally, his undeniable bloodlust for killing animals stands among the most heinous pursuits by an authority figure the world has ever seen.
In the case of Amadeus, what may be happening is that, since we're hearing the whole story from Salieri's point of view, he's vilifying Mozart a little. And, by all means, Mozart has become far more famous then Salieri ever was.
There is no evidence Mozart drank himself to death. More likely he died of trichinosis, a worm infestation caused by eating poorly cooked pork contaminated with the parasite.
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hey, superbowl xxxv was great, that was the best defensive team in the history of football