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5 Superpowers From the Bible That Put Marvel and DC to Shame
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#2.
Jesus, Like a Non-Useless Aquaman
Jesus. Maybe you've heard of him. But of all the healing and feeding and returning from the dead he did, this has got to be the most awesome superpower he had, from Mark 4:35-41:
So they're out in the middle of a hurricane, tossed around like the guys on Deadliest Catch and Jesus, because he was just hardcore like that, didn't mind the drenching rain and the loud thunder and continued sleeping. His disciples woke him up and started griping with stupid complaints like "The boat is halfway under water!" and "We are going to die!" Jesus told them they were faithless wusses and the disciples shut up. If that wasn't cool enough, he chewed out the storm, and it shut up, too. That has to be our favorite part, how he's just annoyed by the whole thing, as if being bothered to stop an entire weather systems was equivalent to getting woken up by your girlfriend to go kill a spider in the bathroom.
If we could do that ...
Between communicating with storms, walking on water and turning water into wine, the man pretty much had the whole water thing under his thumb. In some sense, we'd be like a non-useless aquaman, if that is even possible.
The Downside:
But man, if you're trying to commit a crime on the high seas, watch out. We're telling you right now that, with the simple addition of Jesus' water-command, ours would be a world entirely without pirates. Well, without the shitty boring kind at least. #1.
Elisha and Elijah's Abilty To Summon Bears, Split Rivers with Dirty Laundry
Elijah and Elisha were an epic miracle-producing tag team in their time (sort of like if Superman had a younger protege named "Duperman"). Elijah, after a life spent raising the dead and calling down fire to smite heathen prophets, goes out like this:
That's 2 Kings 2: 11-14 where God, deciding that waiting thousands of years for someone so incredibly badass as Elijah to die would be too long, just plucked him from the ground and up through the pearly gates while he was still alive. And since God likes to make those rare public appearances count for something, he stages the whole thing in a cool-ass flaming chariot. Elisha, now that his name would no longer be confused with anyone else, found that he could reach his full potential. Not to be outdone by the whole "whirlwind" thing, he uses Elijah's coat to casually split a river in half. That's right, something that was a huge deal for Charleton Heston's Moses was accomplished using only the powers that had rubbed off on a piece of Elijah's dirty laundry. How could Elisha, who was to be Elijah's successor, possibly top that? When confronted by a gang of smartass kids, he summoned two bears to attack them. Yep, that'll do it.
If we could do that ...
The thing is, we'd settle for any one of their powers by itself; the flaming, flying chariot for instance. Or just the ability to summon bears at will. Holy crap, there's like five situations a day where we'd like to do that.
But throw it all in, including calling down fire from the sky and controlling water? We wouldn't just be stopping criminals, we'd be stopping crime. You want to rob a bank? Well you'd better have a suit that's fireproof, waterproof and freaking bear proof. Multiple bear proof, in fact.
The Downside:
The Bible doesn't describe exactly how Elisha died, only that his last recorded act was telling the king that he was a moron. We wonder if that might not be why it was his last recorded act. If you want to find out about some less awesome super powers made up by people other than God, check out 9 Superpowers That Would be More Trouble Than They're Worth or Gladstone's countdown of a clip in which Fox News Conjures a News Story ... Out of Thin Air. Or, watch this video to find out The REAL Reason Guns are Dangerous. |
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wow this is a good article thanks for posting this
I can walk on water, and you can too.......
Just wait until winter and your local pond/river/lake/cesspool freezes over, simply go out for a stroll. Ice is still water, and you are still walking on it.
Me=1, Jesus=0
Good stuff. You know, according to Catholic teaching, Elijah IS still alive; when Antichrist comes, he and Enoch are gonna come back and own him, convert the people who liked him back to the good side, and just generally make Antichrist look like a dick. They're the Two Witnesses in Revelation/Apocalypse.
Btw, the saints did some pretty awesome stuff too - St. Patrick could control snakes and was fireproof, and there are tons of awesome stories like that. Maybe you should write a follow up?
If Jesus could walk on water wouldn't that be a problem if he tried to go for a bath?
Actually, the last mention of Elisha was actually of his bones, when a dead man was thrown on top of them. The man then returned to life. Downside: Elisha was a pile of bones. It wasn't the first time he raised the dead, though.
Way to be a douchebag scribe.
nicro, tell me you aren't seriously trying to justify a bronze-age fairy tale. A few points: 1. It says nothing about a caravan. 2. Its doubtful that a lion would suddenly rush roaring towards a caravan 3. Sampson didn't tell anyone about said event...so how do we know what happened? Its as dumb as some B movie when a character gets done describing some horrible event and says "there were no survivors".
Samson and his parents were probably in separate parts of a caravan and they didn't see the whole lion thing.
Caspian and Rignerd:
Yey, someone actually knows the history of the Bible, and a pretty accurate one at that. It is theorized that historically, King David after uniting the 12 tribes of Israel was the one who commissioned scribes to write the stories pertaining to Jewish faith. On the other hand, it was more difficult to include many New Testament books especially the Gospels as canon since many books; some of which were referenced by Dan Brown, do not have any significance whatsoever with the Christian faith. Apart from this the reason the 4 gospels were chosen was because of the fact that of the many "gospels" written, these were the ones written closest to the timeline of Jesus, The Gospel of Mark being the earliest, probably was written by an actual witness to Jesus, as early as 70AD and John being the last was at least 100++AD almost 200AD i think. Lastly, the reason the Gospels were attributed to certain apostles was to give credibility to the writings. On a side note, please do not readily believe many rumors abounding about the Church hiding books since they deem it "forbidden". Many of these were actually written long after the time of Jesus, and have many far-fetched stories or accounts which have been considered as insignificant by the Church.
This leaves out the four superpowers that Jesus had after rising from the tomb. These being, of course: Subtlety, Agility, Impassibility, and Clarity. Yep, these are all supernatural, in the Jesus context. (Google 'em.) The only reason they might be worth knowing is that James Joyce references them in "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man."
http://www.ihateyoujulia.com/?id=4eedf9a0d5e2034a6d5ae5d6290a7a1e
lol aquaman is useless.
Yeah, but you'd still have an army of people to do your bidding. And even if they didn't obey your commands, you'd still be able to...you know...RAISE THE DEAD!!! That on its own is cool enough, without them being your servants. God rules.
Well, with the zombies it did say that they had flesh and skin, and were even breathing. I doubt anyone would have really known they were zombies. Unless of course they came across their great (dead) aunt lumbering down the street. That might freak anyone out a tad.
Funny you should mention Ol' Greenskin with Samson. There's actually a Marvel hero named Doc Samson with powers of the biblical Samson(if he had green hair) who acts as a psychiatrist(don't know if I spelled that correctly) for the Hulk.
I love the bears and the dirty laundry :) Nice way of putting it
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Re: Danky420 I read all 10 volumes of L. Ron Hubbards battelfield earth series, he was lucky to get out of hig school much less do anything worth noting besides tricking people into reading his drivel. As to the accuracy of the Bible, the dead sea scrolls were lost about 400 years BC, and when compared to a modern bible there are about 14 words that are different, and only 7 of those would give a different meaning to to verse. The jewish scribes who copied the texts were under penalty of death for making changes, even accidental ones.
Im pretty sure summoning bears is the most badass power... ever. And what makes it even better is bears are dicks. If you ever summoned one, after it completed its ass-kicking task, it might steal candy from an unsuspecting baby or small child perhaps... and then rip it to shreds
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Nice article. Hey dont forget that Samson killed like 2000 trained soldiers with the jawbone of a donkey, or that he burned down his enemies huge ass fields using a torch tied to a skunk. Thats pretty BADASS to me.