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9 Superhero Powers That Would Be More Trouble Than They're Worth

By Mike Sterling June 30, 2007 346,946 views
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Sure, who hasn't wished for superpowers? Super-speed, super-flight, super-strength-these are the cool powers, the ones with which all comic book superheroes seem to do so well for themselves. But there are a few lesser-known powers found in the funny pages that nobody wants to be saddled with. Any practical use they have would be countered by the sheer embarrassment and/or inconvenience of having them.

#9.
Telepathy

"Oh, come on," you're probably thinking. "What's wrong with telepathy?" And sure, it sounds like it'd be a useful power. You can keep tabs on what that back-stabbing co-worker of yours is up to, instantly know what your boss thinks about you and actually figure out what your girlfriend means when you ask "What's wrong?" and you get one of those meaning-laden "Oh... nothing..." replies.

Then again, like most people, you're probably sort of a prick. Do you really want to know what other people think of you? Sometimes the only way you can get through the day dealing with other people is being able to convince yourself they're not five seconds from gut-punching your dumb ass.

Telepathy means you'll never have that comforting illusion ever again. Try hearing, "He really put on some weight," "Nice hair, douchebag, did Supercuts have a coupon day?" and "Has this guy ever heard of deodorant?" before breakfast, and the phrase "Ignorance is bliss" will start making a lot of sense all of a sudden.

#8.
Super-intelligence

Life is rough for smart kids in school. There's nothing super-heroic about getting your underwear yanked up your ass by meatheads because you can read without moving your lips. Having said that, in any high school, there's always that one smug, self-satisfied smart kid who likes rubbing their big brain in the other kids' faces.

Remember how much everyone hated that kid? Okay, now add "super-intelligence" to your list of powers, where suddenly you can argue foreign policy with Nobel Laureates while doing long division in your head and scribbling a cure for leukemia on a notepad. You're gonna turn into an insufferable jerk faster than you can say, "Well, I suppose that's a simplified way of looking at it."

Lex Luthor may be a genius, but nobody's inviting his smug ass to their house parties.

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56 Comments

Oh, Magnetism on a knife would be lovely until it spins out of your control and stabs you in the hand. Magneto's power is more like telekinesis for metals.

4/12/2009 12:06:28 AM
BATZARRO

Female goats can have horns too. Dolt.

3/26/2009 6:03:34 PM
Gwenhyvar

Um... with the horns on that goat, and where he's holding it to 'milk' it... there's a reason that's bitter; that's not milk.

3/13/2009 8:52:45 PM
StarChaser

Wait, wasn't "super-eating" featured in the "People with real-life super powers" article? C'mon, Cracked, make up your minds already!

2/23/2009 7:24:55 PM
JamesP

Or Why oh why God, did you make me stupid enough to cross a busy street without looking first while invisible?

2/18/2009 11:22:16 AM
GeminiMishy

yeah, but if you're invisible, who's gonna help you when you cross the street and get hit by a car because the driver didn't see you? then you'd just have to roll in the street screaming in pain as you wonder why, god, why did you choose such a lame superpower...

12/2/2008 11:39:41 PM
rsfa131286

poor, poor aquaman...i pity your lameness.

8/15/2008 12:13:07 AM
Isshiah

I wonder if The Dark Knight will beat Aquaman as the highest grossing comic film ever.

8/2/2008 10:57:39 PM
Sanjuro

Gary, the reason Aquaman blows is because he's a Sub-Mariner ripoff, but for some reason they took away invulnerability and flight when they took the idea (normally when you plagiarize a hero, you try to keep him at least as useful as the guy you stole).

6/23/2008 11:39:10 PM
jaybee83

I wonder how long it took for Superman to get his super-breath under control. I can just imagine a super-baby crying and blowing the roof off his house in the process!

6/23/2008 11:37:17 PM
jaybee83

aqua man has super human strength everybody looks at him unjustly maybe he shoud break more buildings

6/23/2008 5:32:09 PM
gary_goodnight

What about being able to pass through solid objects? Kitty and DJ are two good examples of why that power would kick ass.

6/23/2008 1:20:22 PM
joebounty

If you REALLY had super-intelligence, you should be smart enough not to rub it into everyone's faces.

6/23/2008 11:03:04 AM
jaybee83

If you could have *voluntary* telepathy it'd still be pretty damn awesome. If it just went non-stop, you'd prolly go insane. That's another drawback.

6/23/2008 10:44:45 AM
youllforgetit

http://bux.to/?r=Requin

6/23/2008 8:26:42 AM
bux-to

what a bunch of losers

6/23/2008 6:42:09 AM
some_nick_guy

All the same telepathy would be pretty cool, cause even if u couldn't MAKE someone give u a wad of cash, you could read the bank teller's mind and figure out a way to get this wad of cash pretty simple. But it seems more like a supervilan power, 'cause i see a huge opening to be emperor of the universe from that angle.

6/17/2008 4:44:09 PM
articdragone

Joolz makes a good point. If a site does not match your taste, you have the choice to ignore it. Also, if you insist on being a smart-ass, you had better be damn sure of what you're talking about. People who are loyal to a site have a tendency of tearing into arrogant malcontents.

6/5/2008 8:20:13 PM
ruby

tommee, only retards who havent heard of limewire use itunes. or anything you have to pay for. and yeh lord drayakir u r the biggest simpleton (really who the hell uses that as an insult?) in here for you dont even understand what your talking about.

5/9/2008 12:40:08 PM
sinisterspider

Wow "Lord" Drayakir, it must be hard being such an arrogant prat and not having a clue what you're on about at the same time. Like it's been said, telepathy and mind control are different things. Telepathy is just being able to hear thoughts not affect them. And also, it's a freaking humour site jackass. Sorry to break it to you but I doubt the writers are sitting up late at night worrying about whether their humour fits your comedic needs.

4/5/2008 3:38:23 AM
Joolz

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