6 Questions The Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer
The final chapter of the Harry Potter saga, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, is set to be released on July 21st at the stroke of midnight. Desperate for clues about what will happen in the final book, fans have been scouring the Internet and rhythmically caressing their imitation Firebolts as they build themselves up to a fever pitch. Big questions about Harry's final year have yet to be answered: What electives will Harry take? Will he get a part time job, to try and save money for a wizard-car? Will he confide in Principal Belding with his concerns about Jesse's drug addiction?
All of those are good guesses, but here at Cracked, we suspect that the final book will probably be about the dozens of dangling plot threads left over from the previous six books. That, and sex. Lot's of clumsy, clutching, adolescent wizard sex. If these bold predictions arouse and astound you, and you're interested in finding out exactly which ball-shatteringly important questions need answering, continue reading...
Is Dumbledore really dead?
The first rule of thumb when reading a pulp mystery-which, if you hadn't noticed, is what the Harry Potter books are-is that a murder isn't a murder if you lose track of the body. When Snape "killed" Dumbledore, Dumbledore's corpse was conveniently propelled backwards off the castle walls and out of sight. You don't have to be Angela Lansbury to realize that's pretty fishy. Is it possible that Dumbledore negated the curse while in free fall, miraculously survived the 100 foot drop, regained his feet, fed Polyjuice potion to a carefully pre-positioned bear, killed the bear, then slunk into the shadows to let it take his place?
Yes, quite frankly, that could happen-and it wouldn't even be the stupidest thing to happen in the Harry Potter universe. That would be Quidditch.
Still, there are a lot of clues to suggest that poor old Dumbledore really has been flushed down the toilet of the Potter-verse. His phoenix Fawke singing that sad-sad song of sorrow was a pretty conclusive-looking sign. Also, there was the host of witnesses who saw Dumbledore's body up close. And there was Dumbledore's portrait suddenly appearing in the headmaster's office at school. And perhaps most definitively, J.K. Rowling has confirmed this herself in an interview, saying "Dumbledore is definitely dead," before obnoxiously adding, "but it's complex."
What does "complex" mean? Does it mean he'll live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved him? That he'll reappear in a vaguely shimmery way and advise Harry to seek further training on the planet Dagobah? That he's enlisted the aid of top Muggle scientists to transfer his consciousness into a talking car? Or will it be something stupid?
Our "100% Lock, Money-in-the-Bank" Prediction: Dumbledore's dead, but still around via the talking portrait. Harry will consult it for advice throughout the concluding novel, and at a critical juncture, remove it from the wall of the headmaster's office, using it to club Draco in the back of the head before dryly stating "The head-master's office hours are over, bitch."
Amusing to see how badly the 100% money in the bank predictions came out. As for the first that Dumbledore wasn't going to survive the series is something I figured out about 3/4ths of the way through book 1. Be it Merlin, Yoda, Obi Wan or Gandalf the older wiser adviser never finishes the journey with the hero.
ReplyI don't think Dumbledore could survive. Harry Potter is the only person to survive that curse, so if Dumbledore survived that just ruin the plot.
ReplyAbout the Dumbledore question: I and my father have our own theory that we came up with talking about it after reading that book...though if it is addressed at all in the book we may be proved wrong.
ReplyDumbledore had his own horcruxes around to resurrect himself if he was killed, and one of them is the Sorting Hat.
No. That's stupid.
Wow, that last prediction was basically spot on. And I still call BS on the idea that no one had ever died to protect anyone else out of love, making Harry Potter the most special person in the universe.
Reply"Please God, don't let it be Hermione. Take Ron instead."
ReplyBrought a fresh round of chuckles when i read this
Yeah, I'm still annoyed that Ron wasn't killed off. I was hoping he might finally serve a purpose or something by dying to protect someone else more interesting. Oh well.
Two things:
ReplyFirst, sure lots of people guessed who R.A.B. was. Those of us with nothing to do but frantically flip through the books at 4 AM because they woke up suddenly and remembered that "I KNOW I've seen that somewhere!!!". There's no shame in having not been one of those people. In fact, I may take it a step farther and say that there's actually IS shame in being one of those people.
Second, are there really THAT many stupid people reading this article from FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO?? Seriously. If you're too stupid to at least get the suspicion that the article was written BEFORE the book came out, frankly I'm shocked that you're able to function at the required level to type.
It doesn't matter how old the article is, the point is that it's entertaining. Who cares if I read the book several years ago? I don't, No-one else does, all that matters is that I had fun reading this. In fact since I knew all the answers I was laughing my head off at this. (Oh how curious we were back in the days of yore :D)
Funny. Most of these answers are correct. :D
ReplyI get the jokes, but this article is kinda stupid. Anyone who read this can answer these question...
ReplyThe article was written in 2007, idiot.
Reading this after the books came out is really funny and surprising. Dude, ya did good.
ReplyThis is hilarious to read in hindsight.
ReplyI was just gonna say the same thing.
5 out of 6, not bad dude.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCan I just say though that the ending to the books made me madder than anything else that happened in them? Seriously, wizard World War 3 just broke out and ended, and everyone just lives happily ever after? Bad form, Rowling, bad form.
Well, to be fair, the evil guys were beaten. The head vilan is dead, the main strike force is dead/crippled. I suppose there are some trolls and giant spiders here and there, but that was probably handled in the following weeks.
That epilogue was cheap, cheesy, and entirely unnecessary.
Sveeden's answer would bring a MacDonald's pizza line to mind.
R.A.B Is Regulus Black. Good to know they actually read the books before posting articles...
ReplyThis article is from 2007. Honest question: Are you an idiot?
This never gets old
ReplyThe only 2 deaths that upset me are Dobby and Fred.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI don't know, Remus and Dora's deaths were pretty bad...stupid folks should have stayed home with their baby!
I don't know, I teared up when we lost Hedwig
@sneezingpanda: I, too, shed a tear for the poor bird. Seriously, JKR, you had to kill the stupid bird? It's a bird. Just let it live.
The one that has never been answered is this: Are Harry and Hermione brother and sister? (the logic being that everyone around Harry knows but can't reveal that information to him because they are under a fidelius charm for Hermione's sake.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYou're kidding....... right? Harry's parents died when Harry was a baby, and Hermione's parents are Muggles (dentists, if I recall correctly) and mentioned a couple different places in the story. There's nothing to suggest that related in ANY manner.
I think you're quite possibly the only one on the planet questioning this.
Nice one, troll.
Sounds like a reasonably interesting setup for a fanfiction. Although to be honest I never read fanfiction so I have no idea what the average quality is like - most people seem to think poor.
@RacistRoy, that is because unlike published authors, the internet is not regulated. You can post/create anything on the internet without repercussions. Someone will read the story and love it--no matter how bad it is. This does not reflect fanfiction as a whole, but some people like to make seem as if it does. I do read fanfiction and can promise you that there are some really well-writen fanfics. The bad just overwhelm the good because most writers think their work is the cream of the crop, they don't care, or too lazy to edit.
I remember thinking Snape was evil all tha way up until he murdered Dumbledore, and I ended up being right. My clue was Dumbledore saying, "Please Severus." I was like, he's asking him to kill him! Ha! Snapes a good guy!
ReplyHow smart are ya feeling these days?
But everyone was right, in the sense that it was both. Snape was out for Snape. After failing to save Lily he basically felt like ass, and told Dumbledore to just f*****g make it happen.
What I don't understand is Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny all staying together until they get older ? Their are 6 billion people in the world and its not realistic that they wouldn't at least break up for a while. Ron can't be the only person to get a Hermoine.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI mean, they went through something together that not many people can understand. They obviously all work well together and understand the same things are important to each other. Every one of those four had previous relationships. Not to mention, I know several couples that have been together since around that age that are now married. It's very possible.
And they got through high school together, still best friends at the end. Even without Voldemort in the picture, that's something...
To be fair, I think most people who marry in their twenties/early thirties met their partner in School or Uni. I know my parents met at school, most of my friends parents met at school, most of my friends in long term relationships met their partner at school/uni. I'v never really understood why ppl bump up against this so much.
I agree, it was all way too neat and stupid. Everyone just ends up with everyone like some sort of creepy semi-incestuous dear diary cluster f**k, and nobody else in the world exists. They weren't related i know, but you'd think odds of growing up with someone would result in some sort of sibling-like familiarity. But that aside, it was just too convenient.
tmreturns, true, but at the same time, that could work against a person. Sometimes when you go through so much with a person you just want a clean slate. You may know several couples, but they don't go through a traumatic experience like that--together. Individually, yes, together...highly doubtful.
I could answer all 6 questions. Don't know why you couldn't.
ReplyProbably because this was written in 2007. Before the book came out.....
My question: Which two character deaths was Rowling referring to before the book was released? Because there was a whole f*****g lot more than two character deaths.
ReplyMaybe the double death of Tonks and Lupin? Nah... maybe Fred and Mad-Eye? ... NO... uhm... Hedwig and Nagini? F***... THERE ARE TOO MANY DAMN DEATHS.
Apparently, what Rowling said in the interview was that after a rewrite, two characters who originally were going to survive were dying. She didn't say they were the only ones.
Well, I guess 1 and a half out of 6 ain't so bad... lol :)
ReplyFor the books he was 5 for 6. Only the "Harry is totally and definatly not a Horacrux" thing was actually totally wrong.