6 Questions The Last Harry Potter Book Had Better F#@king Answer
The final chapter of the Harry Potter saga, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, is set to be released on July 21st at the stroke of midnight. Desperate for clues about what will happen in the final book, fans have been scouring the Internet and rhythmically caressing their imitation Firebolts as they build themselves up to a fever pitch. Big questions about Harry's final year have yet to be answered: What electives will Harry take? Will he get a part time job, to try and save money for a wizard-car? Will he confide in Principal Belding with his concerns about Jesse's drug addiction?
All of those are good guesses, but here at Cracked, we suspect that the final book will probably be about the dozens of dangling plot threads left over from the previous six books. That, and sex. Lot's of clumsy, clutching, adolescent wizard sex. If these bold predictions arouse and astound you, and you're interested in finding out exactly which ball-shatteringly important questions need answering, continue reading...
Is Dumbledore really dead?
The first rule of thumb when reading a pulp mystery-which, if you hadn't noticed, is what the Harry Potter books are-is that a murder isn't a murder if you lose track of the body. When Snape "killed" Dumbledore, Dumbledore's corpse was conveniently propelled backwards off the castle walls and out of sight. You don't have to be Angela Lansbury to realize that's pretty fishy. Is it possible that Dumbledore negated the curse while in free fall, miraculously survived the 100 foot drop, regained his feet, fed Polyjuice potion to a carefully pre-positioned bear, killed the bear, then slunk into the shadows to let it take his place?
Yes, quite frankly, that could happen-and it wouldn't even be the stupidest thing to happen in the Harry Potter universe. That would be Quidditch.
Still, there are a lot of clues to suggest that poor old Dumbledore really has been flushed down the toilet of the Potter-verse. His phoenix Fawke singing that sad-sad song of sorrow was a pretty conclusive-looking sign. Also, there was the host of witnesses who saw Dumbledore's body up close. And there was Dumbledore's portrait suddenly appearing in the headmaster's office at school. And perhaps most definitively, J.K. Rowling has confirmed this herself in an interview, saying "Dumbledore is definitely dead," before obnoxiously adding, "but it's complex."
What does "complex" mean? Does it mean he'll live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved him? That he'll reappear in a vaguely shimmery way and advise Harry to seek further training on the planet Dagobah? That he's enlisted the aid of top Muggle scientists to transfer his consciousness into a talking car? Or will it be something stupid?
Our "100% Lock, Money-in-the-Bank" Prediction: Dumbledore's dead, but still around via the talking portrait. Harry will consult it for advice throughout the concluding novel, and at a critical juncture, remove it from the wall of the headmaster's office, using it to club Draco in the back of the head before dryly stating "The head-master's office hours are over, bitch."
Everything here happens. And you were remarkably accurate.
ReplyIs Dumbledore dead? Yes, though Harry meets with him after he himself is killed/almost killed.
ReplyIs Snape evil? No, even the murder of Dumbledore was ordered by Dumbledore beforehand.
Is Harry a Horcrux? Yes he is, and he dies, but comes back to life conveniently Horcrux -free.
Is Regulus Black R.A.B.? Yes he is.
Will there be any sex? No, though sex will be implied as in the epilogue Harry and Ginny meet Ron and Hermione at King's Cross where they are seeing their children off to the Hogwarts Express.
Will Harry die? Yes, but he comes back to life after having a talk with Dumbledore.
lol one of these was wrong
ReplyAND the 7th question....(drum roll, please!)....When will the NEXT Harry Potter book be released?
ReplySnape was much less hot in the books than in the movies. This fact makes me both angry and unwilling to ever read another book.
ReplyTwo die in DH? haha
Replymy comment with spoilers, though idk how much 5 years does to them
Reply6: he is but near death/death+revived does some funny stuff
5: obvious. but points for noticing something special in it.
4: once again.. HOW THE HELL??
3: how the hell di you pull that off? a for arcturus.. or have i just been playing too much me... hmm anyways close to that
2: well... it has an epilouge with children of the main cast...
1:somehow... he died and was revived.
written 2-1-3-4-5-6
Well, the book technically answered all of those questions. So, you'd better be happy.
Reply5/6. not bad. :)
ReplyI have always wanted to know if Ron Weasley got all his chocolate frog cards.
Replythe last prediction was alright but jk rowlings statement wasn't. s**t gets real in the last book. hundreds die.
ReplyConsidering it has been nearly 5 years since the last book came out and I just discovered this article, I just read the questions and not all the predictions that went with them, cuz you know, been there, done that. But just based on the questions at the top of each page, here are the answers: [SPOILER ALERT!]
Reply6.) Yes.
5.) Good side.
4.) Yes.
3.) Regulus Black, Sirius's brother
2.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa... no.
1.) Yes... then no again. No and no for the other two.
So you're welcome, and congratulations for finally coming out from under that rock!
actually, its very hinted that sex was involved in the last book, otherwise how would the characters have children?
Pregototallus!
Amusing to see how badly the 100% money in the bank predictions came out. As for the first that Dumbledore wasn't going to survive the series is something I figured out about 3/4ths of the way through book 1. Be it Merlin, Yoda, Obi Wan or Gandalf the older wiser adviser never finishes the journey with the hero.
ReplyWell, Gandalf did survive to the end of Lord of the Rings.
Granted, he died and came back, but he still made it to the end.
but dieing and comeing back is a whole lot more badass than just surviving
I don't think Dumbledore could survive. Harry Potter is the only person to survive that curse, so if Dumbledore survived that just ruin the plot.
ReplyAbout the Dumbledore question: I and my father have our own theory that we came up with talking about it after reading that book...though if it is addressed at all in the book we may be proved wrong.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesDumbledore had his own horcruxes around to resurrect himself if he was killed, and one of them is the Sorting Hat.
No. That's stupid.
Then he'd have to murder someone, which Dumbledore will NEVER do.
yes i wi imean he will never do that phew do not hink from that that i am dunbledore no way and i certainly didn't do that
Horcruxes are dark and illegal. And it splits your sole. He would never do that.
His Soul would be ripped.
Wow, that last prediction was basically spot on. And I still call BS on the idea that no one had ever died to protect anyone else out of love, making Harry Potter the most special person in the universe.
Replyyou have to die while invoking an ancient charm. that's what protects a loved one.
"Please God, don't let it be Hermione. Take Ron instead."
ReplyBrought a fresh round of chuckles when i read this
Yeah, I'm still annoyed that Ron wasn't killed off. I was hoping he might finally serve a purpose or something by dying to protect someone else more interesting. Oh well.
Oh please, don't let me start on how he gets the girl. Oh God. Oh God, no no no!
*tears hair off and gouges eyes off*
Two things:
ReplyFirst, sure lots of people guessed who R.A.B. was. Those of us with nothing to do but frantically flip through the books at 4 AM because they woke up suddenly and remembered that "I KNOW I've seen that somewhere!!!". There's no shame in having not been one of those people. In fact, I may take it a step farther and say that there's actually IS shame in being one of those people.
Second, are there really THAT many stupid people reading this article from FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO?? Seriously. If you're too stupid to at least get the suspicion that the article was written BEFORE the book came out, frankly I'm shocked that you're able to function at the required level to type.
It doesn't matter how old the article is, the point is that it's entertaining. Who cares if I read the book several years ago? I don't, No-one else does, all that matters is that I had fun reading this. In fact since I knew all the answers I was laughing my head off at this. (Oh how curious we were back in the days of yore :D)
If only stupid people are looking at articles this old, what does that make you?
Funny. Most of these answers are correct. :D
ReplyI get the jokes, but this article is kinda stupid. Anyone who read this can answer these question...
ReplyThe article was written in 2007, idiot.