In the futuristic American classic Demolition Man, there is a sex scene wherein the two main characters awkwardly sit across from each other on a sofa and wear VR headsets to simulate the activity rather than forcing us to watch Sylvester Stallone crush a 29-year-old Sandra Bullock in his oily meat hooks.
This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves, allowing the participants to stimulate each other without ever having to physically touch, which you may recognize as completely defeating the purpose. But that's just early '90s sci-fi, right?
Well, Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand -- Fundawear, vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you and your long-distance significant other from masturbating like normal human beings. Or, more likely, to fingerblast some stranger you just met on the Fundawear forums.
You can't spell "class" without "ass."
Durex is so confident in their product that they even made a demo video to show it off.
At first glance, it looks great, but about a minute in, we begin to see the chinks in the armor.
At 0:42, the girl asks her partner to touch her. He gets his phone and, with a simple tap, the girl jumps backward and grabs her boob, bursting out into laughter.
"It's like when you grope me, only without the greasy residue!"
So far so good, right? Then at 0:52, he starts swiping his finger along the bathing suit region of his Fundawear app, and she reacts accordingly:
Nothing mixes with "intimacy" like distance and cold, heartless machines.
At 1:07, she doubles over in enjoyment, and we are convinced we have seen mankind's glorious future:
Now, around 1:01, the woman starts vigorously touching her phone, asking him, "Can you feel that?" His reaction? "Yeah ...?"
"It feels like I left my cellphone in my taint, but otherwise I'm good."
And where have we seen that exact look of disappointment before?
Yeah. Right there. Stallone face. That is the antithesis of sexual arousal.
The most we get out of him is at 1:17 -- the woman asks him if he can feel it (since it doesn't seem like he's feeling anything at all), and he merely responds, "It makes it hard to concentrate." Like he's trying to read a book and she won't turn her music down.
Nothing gets a man off like mild irritation.
So while she's squirming around and giggling uncontrollably, the guy basically smiles and plays along, eventually leaning back on the couch in what is a clear nonverbal expression of boredom. Which makes sense -- Fundawear is essentially like laying a hot-dog pack of remote controlled vibrators on your crotch. Male stimulation doesn't really work this way, biologically speaking. The last man who tried masturbating with a vibrator ended up with a confused penis.
But it doesn't really work for women, either.
At 1:32, the woman starts saying, "Keep doing that, harder!" to which her man replies, "If I do it any harder, I'll just break the phone." And that, right there, is the sad truth -- you absolutely cannot do anything any harder. Foreplay is nice, but it's a prelude to sex, and at no point in history has the definition of sex been "trembling underwear." The woman eventually grabs her pillow and hugs it tightly, because what the hell else is she going to do?
"This is hots. Hots like the sex."
We can imagine that, shortly after this video, both the man and the woman logged off to cheat on each other with vengeful fury.
And the video doesn't even address some of the more troubling implications of Fundawear -- since it's connected to online servers, the app will most definitely be hacked, allowing some lunatic to break unannounced into your candlelight Skype date and start ghost-molesting you like Barbara Hershey in The Entity. And then there's the people who will simply buy a pair and wear them around all day, sending diddle commands through their iPhones while they're sitting next to you on the bus or during a showing of Man of Steel.
Or The Expendables 3.