The B-Movie Gimmick From The '60s (That We Want Back)

We’ve discussed William Castle here at Cracked, the all-time king of horror movie gimmicks. And among all his contrivances to get butts in theater seats to watch B-grade schlock, there's a particularly clever one used in one of his ‘best’ movies, Homicidal.

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Being married to James Marsden is the number one cause of infidelity in movies. In fact, cheating on the blandly handsome actor appears to be right up there with accepting a $1 million bribe from Robert Redford on the spectrum of adultery we'll let female characters get away with. All this despite the fact that he is usually objectively superior to the other guy in all of the categories that women usually find worth marrying and not cheating on. For instance ...

The X-Men Series

A5 a 20 NMER

James Marsden Is Married To: Jean Grey, played by a delightful Famke Janssen.

The Most Screwed Over Man in the History of Movies

Why She Married Him: He's dashingly handsome, a strong field general in a time of war and a good husband. Also, he saves her life.

How She Repays Him: Kisses Wolverine, who repeatedly calls James Marsden "a dick," returns from the grave to kill James Marsden and make out with Wolverine again.

What He Did Wrong: Bad hair? It steadily improves over the course of the three films, but still ...

Jarte Marsde 31 Cyciops

Superman Returns


James Marsden Is Married To: Lois Lane.

Why She Married Him: Handsome. Loving father. Awesome, fearless pilot. Not an alien. Flies plane through hellish conditions to save her and her ex-boyfriend's life.

How She Repays Him: Continues flirtation with Superman. In a Jerry Springer-level act of jerkistry, doesn't tell James Marsden he's raising Superman's baby.

What He Did Wrong: He just doesn't understand how emotionally trying it is to go through withdrawal from Superman's dick.

The Most Screwed Over Man in the History of Movies

The Notebook


James Marsden Is Married To: Allie, played by Rachel McAdams.

Why She Agreed to Marry Him: He's handsome, charming and from a wealthy family.

How She Repays Him: Fucks high school crush.

The Most Screwed Over Man in the History of Movies

What He Did Wrong: Too rich and logical a decision. Love is illogical! And poor!



James Marsden Is Engaged to Be Married To: Giselle, basically Snow White.

Why She Agrees to Marry Him: Saves her life. Is a charming prince, which is good as gold in fairy tales.

How She Repays Him: Breaks their engagement, leaves him for a divorce attorney.


What He Did Wrong: When that divorce attorney drops her on her ass, James Marsden isn't there to pick her up because he's too busy going on a heroic journey to save her. The divorce attorney is there to pick her up, on account of being the one who dropped her. When will James Marsden learn, you guys?

Straw Dogs


James Marsden Is Married To: Kate Bosworth, actress, former cheerleader.

Why She Agrees to Marry Him: He's a Harvard-educated screenwriter. Wealthy. Cultured.

How She Repays Him: Does a striptease for creepy ex-boyfriend, who ends up making good on his rape-y mustache.

The Most Screwed Over Man in the History of Movies

What He Did Wrong: Travels to the South to help repair her father's house, tells her to wear a bra around creepy ex-boyfriend because he's worried he might be sexually aggressive.

The Most Screwed Over Man in the History of Movies

The Only Possible Explanation: We could talk about how James Marsden has a generically handsome look that makes it easy to view him as the other guy. We could talk about how God and DNA joined forces to build a face that makes you want to fuck its wife. But the truth is, there's really only one possible explanation: James Marsden fucked his agent's wife.

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