The 6 Most Baffling Crimes Pulled Off by Senior Citizens
Old people are like hamsters -- adorable, but generally useless. However, some of them try to shatter at least half of this stereotype by breaking the law in spectacular fashion.
The Geezer Bandit
An elderly man has been robbing southern California banks for the past three years, earning him the nickname "The Geezer Bandit" from the FBI.
Because "The Fucking Old as Shit Bandit" gets filtered out by Safe Search.
He wears a cap and sunglasses and hides his gun beneath an oversized day planner (presumably the same one he uses to hide his freight train erection while watching Caroline in the City reruns with his wife). The feds are currently offering a $20,000 reward for any information that leads to his stone-fisted beating for making them look like fools.
SLA, the Prolific Graffiti Artist
71-year-old Charles Ignatius Wesley is better known as "SLA," which is the name he spray-painted on over a hundred signposts in Dunedin, Florida. It stands for "Sane Liberated Americans," the political party God told him to create in his sleep. By all accounts, Wesley is the only member of this party.
When he was arrested in the middle of tagging yet another pole, he gave the arresting officer a handwritten poem bearing the mark of "SLA," which is something that people do when they are old and confused.
The Mad Hatter Thieves
The Mad Hatter Thieves are a group of elderly women in Detroit responsible for a string of robberies and purse snatchings who inexplicably wear comically identifiable hats.
"This should stand out on any recording device!"
Despite selecting a trademark article of clothing that is in no way a mask, police have yet to catch any of the Mad Hatter Thieves, and estimate that by now they may have stolen over $500,000 in cash and merchandise, which is more than enough for them to hoard until they all die in three years and leave the struggling single-parent cashiers they swindled to suffer the aftereffects for the next four decades.
The Library Terrorist
75-year-old Joy Cassidy, after one too many prickly run-ins with the staff of her local library, decided to start bombing their book return drop box with condiments. For two years, she doused over $1,000 worth of books with ketchup, honey, mayonnaise and corn syrup. You may recognize this as the oldiest old-person revenge ever exacted outside of writing a letter to Dwight D. Eisenhower complaining about how much noise the mailman's truck makes.
Cassidy was finally arrested after police caught her dropping an open jar of mayonnaise into the box and was promptly banned from every library in the state, a punishment she likely didn't relish.*
*Please hold your applause until the end of the article.
The Serial Clothing Thief
May Jones, a grandmother of four, obsessively stole $55,000 worth of clothing over several years. She swiped literally thousands of items -- when the police finally caught her, they needed the entire floor of a gymnasium to display all her swag, most of which was still in its original packaging.
Jones fell on the classic elderly defense, claiming that she didn't remember stealing anything (the floor full of clothing offered a compelling rebuttal).
The Grandmother Drug Kingpin
Oklahoma police were surprised when they raided the house of Darlene Mayes after receiving a tip that it was the base of a considerable drug-pushing operation. This is because Darlene Mayes is a 73-year-old grandmother.
Upon storming the septuagenarian's home, they discovered four pounds of marijuana, $278,000 in cash and several unlicensed firearms. She presumably tried to explain the evidence away -- the money was from her retirement fund, the marijuana was for her glaucoma and the guns were for two-timing motherfuckers. They estimate that she controlled about 40 percent of the drug trade in the area, which is remarkable when you consider that most people her age can't control 40 percent of their bowel movements.