How Toronto's Totally Deranged Mayor Stayed in Office
Last week, the gossip site Gawker announced the most exciting news to come out of Canada since the Bering land bridge closed up: Somali drug dealers possess a video of the mayor of Toronto smoking crack, glass pipe and all. Not snorting coke off of a stripper's boobs like your run-of-the-mill high-functioning degenerate -- he was straight up smoking crack, the drug of choice for anyone three steps away from sleeping in a dumpster for shelter.
Suddenly America discovered that our sleepy neighbor to the north has been holding out on us. Not only did Toronto knowingly elect a morbidly obese chronic substance abuser for mayor, but this guy has been Chris Farleying it up for years. We've just been too caught up in our own screwed up politicians to notice. So here's the question everyone is asking: How did this guy become top Toronto dog in the first place?
The answer is simple. Rob Ford might just be the greatest politician of all time.
They call him the white Canadian Biggie Smalls.
The Clumsiest Man Alive Is Also Good at Toppling Budgets
Years before Ford was elected as the mayor of Toronto, he served as a city councillor for the fun-to-say Etobicoke District. His focus on the council was "ending the gravy train," which meant cutting down councillor perks, not actually stopping any actual gravy locomotive (invented by either magic or science) from reaching his table.
When it came to slashing numbers, Ford was an enormous success. He paid for his office expenses out of pocket, voted against property tax increases, and took away limo and club memberships for his fellow councillors. So it makes sense that taxpayers are fans, even though Rob Ford has also fought a long battle with gravity. Here he is tripping on the football field:
And falling off a scale:
And running straight into a camera:
If you pretend that Ford has channeled all of his motor skills into the part of his brain that cuts budgets, it all makes sense. Just like the blind people who have extra-sensitive hearing, Rob Ford probably sacrificed his ability to walk straight in the name of doing math. It's a story as old as the sun.
Rob Ford Is a People Person
The picture above is of Mayor Ford posing with gang members, one of whom was actually killed in a gang-related fight. Aaaaaand here he is with a neo-Nazi:
Here's a picture of Mayor Ford while he allegedly grabbed a former mayoral candidate's ass at a political function:
We're not sure if that's a sweat stain or if Rob Ford has a birthmark shaped like Spain.
Have you caught the pattern yet? Rob Ford has the self-awareness of an alcoholic bull in a china shop. Speaking of China, the mayor once used the council floor to praise the work ethics of "Orientals" -- his word, not ours. OF COURSE Rob has been kicked out of a hockey game for verbally assaulting someone while shitfaced drunk. If you want a mayor who doesn't get booted from a military ball for public intoxication, go to Detroit. Don't go to Toronto, because Torontonians knew exactly what they were doing when they elected Rob Ford. They LOVE him.
"Canada needs its own Mussolini."
For proof, when Ford ran for mayor in 2010, 53 percent of Toronto turned out for the vote. That's not an impressive number until you realize that turnout was only 39 percent in the 2006 election. For perspective, only 15 percent of Los Angeles voters bothered to make it to the polls for their latest mayoral election, and that was choosing between two candidates who don't sweat through their clothes on a regular basis. Until Toronto knew about the crack thing, they were fully committed to Rob Ford. That probably says more about his political skills and the undying loyalty of Canadians than it does about anything else. And also, Los Angeles voters kind of suck.
He's Already Been Kicked Out of Office Once
It didn't stick. Fun fact about Mayor Rob Ford: Until a few days after the crack allegations came up, he was also the coach of a local high school football team ... while mayor. This is like imagining the mayor of New York City working a second job as a drunk nanny. Ford made it through DUIs, public intoxication bouts, and sexual harassment allegations, and everyone was still perfectly cool with the man coaching impressionable youth.
Why wouldn't they be?
It wasn't until he used his official mayoral seal to encourage people to donate to football scholarships that anyone raised an eyebrow about Ford's behavior. And that's what nearly cost him his job -- raising money for kids while using his mayoral seal. And he still beat the rap and stayed mayor. We can barely keep our place in a Starbucks line, and Rob Ford refuses to be separated from the biggest job in the biggest city in Canada. And remember, this is a guy who regularly gets in trouble over shit like sticking magnets on cars.
And driving while reading.
If you're going to blindly pilot a car through crowded streets, it might as well be the largest car available.
That's how tenacious Rob Ford is. Some people weather career-destroying scandals like it's nothing more than a little herpes outbreak -- see Bill Clinton, Kanye West, Anthony Weiner, Marion Barry. Once you realize that Rob Ford is in the same category as a guy willing to run for mayor after sending dick pics, you know that a little crack isn't going to bring him down. Even if the video gets published, Toronto can't force Ford to resign. So we predict he's not going anywhere. Good job, Toronto. You just became North America's 17th most interesting city.