7 Insane 'Halloween Party Guides' (That We Tested)
Today is Halloween (unless you live in New Zealand, where Halloween was over an hour before this article was published; go to bed). The point is, even if you're just sitting down to read this at 8:30 p.m. local time, YOU STILL HAVE AMPLE TIME TO HOLD A HALLOWEEN RAGER. All you need is 45 minutes and $50 (and a willingness to become the pariah of your social circle).
Don't believe us? We tasked Cracked writer Evan Symon with assembling a speed-run Halloween party using some rather dubious tips he found on the Internet. The only rules?
RULE 1: He could use only common household items purchased at a neighborhood drug store.
RULE 2: He was required to hold this party in his bathroom. Because. Just because.
The Bloody Shower Curtain
When you have less than an hour to plan a Halloween party, you need to cut corners on decor. I had no time to knife a gourd, so I instead made it look like a cow exploded inside my shower. All I needed was a white shower curtain, red hair dye, and baby shampoo, mixing the two liquids together. When splattering the resulting blood-like substance on your shower curtain, be sure to do it in some nearby woods, where absolutely no one will get the wrong idea.
And make sure today is not a landlord-inspection day.
Hairspray Spider Webs
But a slaughterhouse shower curtain alone wouldn't suffice. Whether you're talking about abandoned buildings or No Doubt songs from 1995, spider webs always make life a little spookier. But since I forgot to visit the spider web aisle on my last trip to the grocery store, I had to make do with what was in the house: specifically, cotton balls and hair spray. According to this deceptively simple tutorial, all I had to do was fluff out the cotton and spread it around all web-like. Look at how successful that was:
Voila! Arachnid diarrhea.
Yes, Santa Claus' beard had become detached from his face and was now living on my ceiling. You can also resurrect this trick come December if you wish to dress your bathroom up as Saint Nick. (The toilet is his lap!)
Tampon Ghosts and Bats
To answer your first question: yes. These are craft tips actual people have come up with, not the work of a confused alien desperately trying to fit in by celebrating Earth holidays. Tampons have many, many, uses, but festive seasonal decorations aren't usually among those listed. Still, this seemed relatively easy, so I gave it a try.
For the ghost, I took a tampon, removed the applicator, then let it naturally flare out into a ghostlike shape. Then I just added eyes and created the world's grossest Casper:
He was justifiably angry at having to haunt THAT.
But you obviously can't have just one tampon-ghost floating around, so I made a whole gaggle of menstrual poltergeists. For the the bat, I took out another tampon, folded it, painted it, and added pipe cleaners for its paws and legs.
It resembled a C.H.U.D. that had taken up residence in a Fallopian tube.
What this party needed was some unattended open flames to accentuate the cotton webs and vaginal spirits, so it was time to move on to lighting. Lucky for me, you can make candles out of cotton balls, Vaseline, and aluminum foil. I created these little beauties by submerging the cotton balls Dunkaroos-style into the Vaseline, tri-folding the foil, slapping it together, and lighting that shit up ...
... and holy cats it worked. The result looked like Mauna Loa on crack. The flame did die down to more of a manageable size after a minute or so and continued to burn for a good half-hour. You can definitely make one too -- just remember to wash any Vaseline off your hand first. (Unless you're going as Manos: The Hands of Fate.)
Once my bathroom was strewn with spooky feminine-hygiene products and open flames, I needed something to take the edge off. But I couldn't simply quench that thirst with Listerine or Brut or Drakkar Noir. No, this party needed the Pepto-Bismolitan, a refreshing brew of lemon juice, cranberry juice, well vodka, and Pepto-Bismol.
Aka the shittiest round of Supermarket Sweep in history.
The drink was kind enough to look like the slime from Ghostbusters II.
I had feared the worst with this one, but it was tastiest cup of bismuth I'd ever drank voluntarily. That said, if you're pressed for time and unable to make a hooch run, just serve your guests the Pepto straight. It's Halloween. They'll understand.
The Paper Towel Mummy
A lot of people nowadays just put a few articles of clothing together and call it a costume. Grab a leather jacket, whip, and fedora and suddenly you are Indiana Jones. Put on an ill-fitting windbreaker and cargo pants and you're Katniss Everdeen. Rob a homeless man and you're Daniel Day-Lewis. But since we are using household products, I went with something that took a bit of work: a mummy, by Martha Stewart no less.
This being Martha, a simple roll of toilet paper wasn't going to cut it. From a supply of paper towels, baby powder, shampoo, cold coffee, and black powder makeup, I stained the paper towels with cold coffee and mixed the baby powder and shampoo together to create the makeup. Once I had enough on to look like a Mars extra from Total Recall, I put on the black eye makeup.
If it failed, I could always go as a "glazed doughnut raccoon."
And then just wrapped myself in the now-dry coffee-stained paper towels. (Time-Saving Tip: Leave them soaked.)
"Chemical peel Ramesses" works for my costume and as a good post-punk band name.
So now I had the costume, drinks, and decorations set up and raring to go. Was I forgetting anything?
Related: Mummies Got Packed With Mummy Snacks
Ah, candy: the annual means with which homeowners bribe children so they don't plaster their cars with eggs. In the spirit of the challenge, I decided to make the candy from household items as well. But what possible treats could I glean from the harvest of a bathroom? Hotel soaps? Shaving cream? Pomade? The solution came from across the pond:
Why would anyone put toothpaste in the freezer? Is toothpaste now a foodstuff according to the EU? Nonetheless, I took out the toothpaste, squeezed out mint-sized globs, and froze them:
Unlike M&M's, freezer toothpaste mints actually melt in your hands and not in your mouth.
Shockingly, the result was like eating plain toothpaste. The original recipe actually calls for the entire tube to be cut up, but I suspect they say to do that so you miss this little "tip" on the back of the container.
Huh, Poison Control, I wonder what that's all about.
Final Observations: With everything all set up, I put my party into full swing. The candles, mint candies, and Pepto-Bismopolitans were out for all to enjoy:
Or, rather, "enjoy."
And I was there to greet all those who swung on by:
"Nobody here but us garbage pharaohs and super-absorbent souls of the damned."
Even though my costume was falling apart and my bathroom still smells like stale coffee, it turns out you can quickly churn out a bathroom party using only household items. You will look like a giant melting candle who murdered someone, but just think of the savings!
For more household tips from Evan, check out 7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested).