Look, getting this specific with an insult is going to yield but one result ... everyone within earshot is going to be creeped the fuck out. Make fun of the guy's hemorrhoids all you want, but don't divulge your insider knowledge of what makes them flare up while doing so. That's bad form.
"Theophilus, Don't Perform Oral Sex on Girls Against the City Wall Like a Dog."
Holy smokes, what kind of dogs were running around Pompeii?
So glad you asked. Apparently, they were the kind of dogs that perform oral sex on women against the only wall in the city. Please note, nothing in that sentence makes it seem like these women are getting canine oral unwillingly. If anything, poor Theophilus is the normal one here.
"Two Friends Were Here. While They Were, They Had Bad Service from Epaphroditus. They Threw Him Out and Spent 105 and a Half Sestertii Most Agreeably on Whores."
So ... hanging out with Epaphroditus is less enjoyable than renting a room full of prostitutes for the night? Is that the insult here? We'd expect that of pretty much anyone. Hookers really know how to party. Like, it's not even a competition. We think no less of Epaphroditus after hearing this "insult."