6 Filthy Pieces of Graffiti from Ancient History

We're often reminded of how important it is to respect one's elders, and for the most part, we take this advice to heart. However, there are going to be instances in life where respecting your elders just isn't something that's possible.

Take comedy, for example. If the "respect your elders" doctrine is to be followed to the letter, what we'd be getting ready to do right now is commend the people of old-timey Pompeii for the razor-sharp wit and humor found in these six graffiti drawings. But that's not going to happen, because the truth of the matter is, the people of Pompeii were kind of awful at jokes.

Here are six awkward attempts at comedy from ancient Pompeii ...

6
"Epaphra, You Are Bald."

Lazy. That's what this sad attempt at humor would be classified as. Epaphra almost certainly knows he's bald already, and while reminding people by writing it on a wall might be a dickish thing to do, it's hardly what anyone would call a clever putdown.

5
"I Shagged the Barmaid."

Right, you and everyone else, buddy. How do we know that? Because the person who posted this slam just referred to the tramp in question as "barmaid" as if everyone would know exactly who he was talking about. It stands to reason that there was probably more than one barmaid. Pointing out that you banged the really slutty one is just kind of an insult toward yourself, if anything.

4
"Atimetus Got Me Pregnant."

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we've found our barmaid. If Pompeii had a version of Maury, this chick would be the first guest.

3
"Chie, I Hope Your Hemorrhoids Rub Together So Much That They Hurt Worse Than Ever Before."

Look, getting this specific with an insult is going to yield but one result ... everyone within earshot is going to be creeped the fuck out. Make fun of the guy's hemorrhoids all you want, but don't divulge your insider knowledge of what makes them flare up while doing so. That's bad form.

2
"Theophilus, Don't Perform Oral Sex on Girls Against the City Wall Like a Dog."

Holy smokes, what kind of dogs were running around Pompeii?

So glad you asked. Apparently, they were the kind of dogs that perform oral sex on women against the only wall in the city. Please note, nothing in that sentence makes it seem like these women are getting canine oral unwillingly. If anything, poor Theophilus is the normal one here.

1
"Two Friends Were Here. While They Were, They Had Bad Service from Epaphroditus. They Threw Him Out and Spent 105 and a Half Sestertii Most Agreeably on Whores."

So ... hanging out with Epaphroditus is less enjoyable than renting a room full of prostitutes for the night? Is that the insult here? We'd expect that of pretty much anyone. Hookers really know how to party. Like, it's not even a competition. We think no less of Epaphroditus after hearing this "insult."

To turn on reply notifications, click here

369 Comments

Load Comments