5 Products Designed to Control You When You're Drunk as Hell

5

Free Pee Finds You a Place to Pee (That Isn't the Side of a Building)

The first order of business for any significantly intoxicated person is to find a place to pee that doesn't involve uncovering your genitals in public. Places like alleys, bushes, and children's playgrounds are very convenient (and what Mother Nature intended) but also very illegal.

That's where Free Pee comes in: Despite sounding like the sketchiest Craigslist ad ever, this helpful app is designed to direct your ass (or penis, as the case may be) to actual, human bathrooms where you can lawfully micturate.

iQwerty
And most actually have walls around them, unlike this one.

4

A Device That Pauses Your TV When You Black Out

For you home drinkers (or those of you who actually made it back without being arrested), a common problem is sitting down to watch your favorite TV show and passing out before you can even find out what Dora's word of the day was. Well, there's a simple solution for that: no, not learning to drink responsibly. Don't be silly. We're talking about KipstR, a wristband that pauses your TV for you when you're too unconscious to do it yourself.

Virgin Media
Which, incidentally, sounds like a concept devised while not drinking responsibly.

By measuring your blood-oxygen levels, the device detects when you've fallen asleep and tells your TiVo to pause and/or record your show as you gently drift off toward vomiting on yourself. The U.K.'s Virgin Media hired two teenage inventors to create this thing specifically as a way to help out parents who've had too much to drink on Christmas day -- this way, the kids can safely change the channel while the show their disgrace of a father was watching is recorded in the background.

Virgin Media
Hopefully they're also working on another wristband that deletes traumatic Christmas memories.

3

Facebook Will Soon Stop You From Posting Drunk Photos

The only thing more embarrassing than posting photos of your drunken escapades to Facebook (no, you can't do the monkey bars while wasted) is having to clean them all up the next day, after your friends and family have had the many hours you've been asleep/hungover to pass judgment upon you. Luckily, Mark Zuckerberg is about to help you out.

Andrew Bosworth
"When the fu- ... ? Janice, call a meeting with the whole staff. I'm ending this."

Using highly advanced face-recognition technology coupled with some top-of-the-line AI, Facebook's software will auto-detect when you're drunk-booking and throw up a warning message before uploading any photos -- this Wired article describes it as a virtual assistant that will ask you, "Are you sure you want your boss and your mother to see this?" But it's not clear if that will be the exact wording, or if they're going with something different. Like, for example, "HEY, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRUNK ASS, SHITHEAD. GTFO."

2

A Complete Drunk Person's Toolkit for Your Phone

Relying on a drinking buddy to keep you behaved while out on the town can be a problem in itself, since nothing stops them from getting even more shitfaced than you and encouraging further depravity. Fortunately, phones are impervious to the charms of alcohol, and that's why someone created Drunk Mode: an app that helps protect you from your own drunk ass.

First, tell your virtual wingman how long not to trust you, with options up to 12 hours:

Drunk Mode, LLC
Still waiting for the "multi-day binge" DLC to come out.

1

An App From the Man to Call Your Drunk Ass a Cab

If there's anyone out there who has a lot invested in making sure we don't all become irresponsible drunken maniacs, it's the government. It's either that or government employees have a real drinking problem, because the Maryland police, state government, and National Highway Traffic Safety Administration are releasing an app that will estimate how drunk you are and even help get your butt into a cab.