5 Huge Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed

5

Steve Jobs' Ghost Is Clearly Sabotaging His Third Biopic

Unfortunately for the serious-eyebrowed method actors of Hollywood, the moviegoing public has made it clear that they don't give one solitary monkey-slapping shit about the life story of the guy who gave them their iPods. Despite Ashton Kutcher's batshit dedication and surprisingly good performance, Jobs is ridiculous, while the intentionally ridiculous iSteve is just god-awful. Short of getting the exact same guys who did The Social Network, nothing could get people excited about a studio making another Steve Jobs movie.

So that's exactly what Sony decided to do.

theverge.com

Now we're talking! Who better than David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin to tell us the story of another arrogant, somewhat misogynistic blowhard whose products we use every day? And they even had Christian Bale on board as Jobs ... for like 15 minutes, before it all fell apart.

theverge.com
"I'm sorry, but my MySpace Tom dream project just opened up."

4

Nicolas Cage Is Apparently Cursed Now

It seems that even abstract concepts like fate are over Nicolas Cage, as two of his latest projects have fallen victim to bizarre calamities straight out of, well, a Nicolas Cage movie. The first was when director Paul Schrader walked away from thriller The Dying of the Light during editing -- according to the producers, because Schrader took too many liberties with the script, so they re-edited it without him. Bear in mind that, based on the official trailer, in this film Cage plays a CIA agent with dementia who goes rogue. That's the sane version of the movie.

3

The Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper Movie They Don't Want You to See

Last month, the BFI London Film Festival showed a screening of Danish director Susanne Bier's latest film, Serena, and the response was what could politely be called "more confused than David Duke at a Rihanna concert." Serena stars Jennifer Lawrence as the murderous title character and Bradley Cooper as the man who somehow loves her, probably because he's a nightmare himself. In the beginning, everything is going peachy keen for these assholes, until Serena miscarries a child and goes all Fatal Attraction after suspecting that her husband is caring for the child he had with a previous partner. Also, there's timber-related drama. And it's the '30s. Honestly, we watched the trailer and we're still not sure what's going on.

Magnolia Pictures
Oh, that clears things up.

2

Jane Got a Gun Makes Less Sense Than an Aerosmith Video

The grammatically ambiguous Jane Got a Gun, a Western drama starring Natalie Portman, has been plagued from day one. Or day zero, actually, since director Lynne Ramsay quit before the first day of filming. It wasn't the first personnel problem on the set, though -- just one week before, leading man Michael Fassbender dropped out, hastily replaced by Joel Edgerton. Who is Joel Edgerton? Exactly.

Anthony Harvey/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Pictured: Not Magneto

1

God Hates Terry Gilliam and His Don Quixote Film

Terry Gilliam has been trying to get his vision of Don Quixote off the ground for damn near 20 years, but someone's been working just as hard to stop him: the universe. Filming for the movie, which would have featured a modern-day man (Johnny Depp) being sent back in time and mistaken by Quixote for Sancho Panza, began in 1999 and immediately went to shit when they realized the dialogue was drowned out by the planes from a nearby military base. OK, that's fixable in post-production. The flash flood that destroyed the set the very next day would be a little more challenging, though.

Francois Duhamel
"We'll resume filming once those clouds spelling 'FUCK YOU TG' dissipate."

Still, Gilliam wasn't forced to admit that God is personally offended by his movie until Don Quixote himself, Jean Rochefort, was incapacitated by a herniated disc and unable to continue filming. The resulting insurance claim -- one of the most expensive in film history -- tied up the rights to the film for about 10 years. In the meantime, Gilliam started shooting another movie with Heath Ledger ... which, as you may have heard, didn't go so well.

Sony Pictures Classics
"You try going from The Joker to these jokers and see how that shit turns out."

Even then, Gilliam still hadn't learned his lesson -- as soon as the Don Quixote rights were released, he laughed in the face of fate and paid for it with a series of false starts, as every reworking of the project lingered in cinematic limbo. By now, in its amazing seventh incarnation, some compromises have been made: instead of Depp, the movie now stars some kid who was in 300 2, and rather than the fantastical time-traveling adventure of Gilliam's dreams, he's settled for mere air travel. The film now revolves around the protagonist's trip to Spain to find the village where a film within the film was filmed.

How long until Gilliam gives up and just does this movie with cardboard cutouts, Monty Python-style?

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And while we're on the topic, check out 6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed for such films as the no-budget Jem reboot.