4 Video Games For Those With Really Specific Sexual Fetishes
Remember when the Oculus Rift was first announced, and you jokingly asked how long it would take for someone to turn it into a bizarre virtual sex helmet? Well as it turns out, the answer was "immediately." Thanks to this fabulous new piece of immersive technology, howling sexual maniacs around the world are now free to ...
Kiss, Fondle, and Sleep With An Anime Character
Not all anime fans are off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters, but all off-putting social outcast weirdos who fantasize about having sex with cartoon characters are anime fans. There's a whole subculture of lonely fetishists out there who pretend to be married to body pillows depicting animated women with eyes bigger than their waists and breasts larger than most celestial objects. Well, no longer will these poor misfits have to inappropriately cuddle decorated cushions, because virtual reality developers have been working on several new projects that will allow them to inappropriately cuddle their favorite video game systems.
First, there's Summer Lesson for the PlayStation 4's Project Morpheus headset, which seeks to authentically simulate the experience of being in a study session with a Japanese schoolgirl and leering at her chest the entire time.
If you enter the Konami code, you can unlock Chris Hansen.
Assuming your headset hasn't filed a restraining order against you after that, you can move on to the drink-sharing simulator for Oculus Rift, which is exactly what it sounds like -- you can sit down with a polygonal Japanese teenager and share a drink with her in real time.
The soul-crushing loneliness unfolds in real time as well.
If things go well, you can take your anime girlfriend to the park and rest your head on her lap -- a program, we hasten to add, that comes with its own lap-shaped pillow for that extra bit of immersion.
"Don't worry, the circuits are tear-proof."
"Haha, what's next?" you ask, "A program that simulates awkward above-clothes groping?" Yes.
Eventually you two begin kissing, with the proper kissing peripherals in place to robotically smash against your lips and keep reality from brutally intruding on your virtual experience.
Sparks may literally fly.
Finally, the two of you end up sleeping togetherin your bed, with an app so advanced that it can detect when you're restless and coo you back to sleep with sweet nothings.
Do not use this if your dog regularly gets on your bed.
You know, to be honest, the whole thing actually seems kind of pathetically sweet and harmless -- oh wait, never mind.
You knew where this was going.
Feel Virtual Breasts with Frightening Realism
Sure, that simulator we just showed you lets users squeeze a pair of cushions and pretend like they're having a clumsy sexual encounter, but that's a poor substitute for the real thing. If you want to know what a pair of boobs really feel like, you need to hook your hand and fingertips up to a big mechanical arm.
"It's either going to feel like boobs or an insane robot tearing your arm off. One of the two."
Researchers from Gifu University in Japan have been tirelessly perfecting a new system that enables users to feel the softness of virtual breasts through haptic technology. That's not, like, an alternative use for this invention that was accidentally discovered by some zany engineer -- the researchers designed their "multi-fingered haptic interface robot" for the explicit purpose of juggling imaginary bosoms. By inserting their fingers into the device and covering their fingertips in a hyper-gel with similar properties to human flesh, they can replicate the same sensation you'd get as cupping a woman's breast, but without the inconvenience of having to develop the interpersonal skills necessary to accomplish this task in a healthy adult relationship.
Be advised, however, that if you attempt to grab a real breast while connected to this machine, the resulting paradox will most likely unmake the universe.
Luckily, there's no chance of that ever happening to anyone in this lab.
In fairness, the stated purpose of this machine is to teach students how to check breasts for dangerous lumps, which is admirable. But come on -- once the technology is out there, there's nothing stopping an enterprising game developer from working it into an erotic role-playing adventure about werewolf-hunting cheerleaders who need your help solving the Riddle of the Heaving Mini Sweater before the next full moon.
Body Swap with Another Person ... While Naked
Earlier this year, BeAnotherLab, a group at the University Pompeu Fabra in Barcelona, developed an Oculus Rift experiment that allows two users see what it's like to see the world through each other's eyes -- you know, like Freaky Friday if it addressed how horrifically uncomfortable that experience would actually be.
If Freaky Friday was a bizarre, hateful porno, basically.
In the project, called "The Machine to be Another," the researchers strapped cameras to the front of two Oculus Rift visors, because those neck-shredding head weights clearly weren't heavy enough already. Then, the two visors were placed on a man and a woman, with each camera transmitting a live video feed to the opposite Oculus Rift device. As the two users moved in congruence with each other, they got to see what it would be like to inhabit the body of a member of the opposite sex. Additionally, for this specific experiment, both participants were required to watch the other person strip down to their underpants to maximize the experience.
"Wow, this guy's balls are weird-looking ... wait, that's me."
On one hand, there are legitimate uses for this technology, such as performing studies about gender identity or helping patients in need of cognitive rehabilitation. On the other hand, people in the very near future are going to be having virtual reality body-swapping sex, and it is going to be fucking crazy.
Interact With A Virtual Girlfriend In the Real World
One huge drawback of Oculus Rift pornography is that the Oculus Rift is specifically designed to completely remove the user from whatever is going on around them. This is another way of saying that there's going to be a whole generation of sexually frustrated teens who have no idea their parents have just walked into the room.
Thankfully, the "mixed reality" project at University College London allows users to combine the best of both worlds by tossing your virtual reality playmate into the real world, like a sexy poltergeist.
However, no amount of science or technology can make her eyes look any less dead.
The avatar of your virtual lady can even interact with you, holding your hand while presumably telling you that you look like a tragic idiot with that huge nerd helmet hanging off your face, and that, quite frankly, she's embarrassed to be seen with you. Much like the body-swapping experiment, mixed reality works by mounting a camera on the front of an Oculus Rift headset, although the creators are hoping to eventually replace that with a smaller, Google-Glass-type setup, so people will think you're merely a douche instead of a full-blown maniac.
"But Cracked," you say, "These goggles are useless! I can still tell she's not a real person!" Well the researchers thought of that, too: by placing a filter over the visor, you can effectively distort the real world images enough that they become indistinguishable from the virtual images beside you. Not in a way that makes your virtual friend look more real, mind you - it just makes everything look like a sad, desperate illusion.
It also makes your voice sound like Keanu Reeves eating peyote waffles.
Another application allows you to conjure a floating browser window and surf the Internet, like the least-impressive warlock in the history of the world.
We ceased to be wowed by the Internet long ago.
So get ready for a not-too-distant future in which a bunch of lonely men with visors can be seen walking happily down the street holding hands with phantoms, and spending romantic candlelit evenings violently thrusting their pelvises into the air around them.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
For more virtual reality nonsense, check out 4 Video Game Gimmicks Nobody Likes Anymore and 4 Ways Virtual Sex Will Be More Embarrassing Than Real Sex.