4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed


Eleven years ago, the world had two good Terminator movies. Then the franchise stopped being self-aware. Millions died in nuclear fire sat through a film about an evil cyborg with a boob job. The survivors called it "unnecessary." In 2015, the studio machine will try again.

Yes, next July, we're getting the fifth Terminator film, the abysmally-titled Terminator Genisys. And according to early indicators, this movie sounds so monumentally terrible that it will bury this dead horse of a franchise so deep in the ground that it'll hit the molten mantle and give us a flaming thumbs-up.

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed
TriStar Pictures

While we give it the flaming middle finger.

The Plot Ys Desygned To Pyss Off Fans Of The Orygynal Fylms

The timeline-altering success of the Star Trek reboot has apparently convinced Paramount -- the studio behind Transformers, and therefore sadness -- of a public mandate that everything must be needlessly rebooted using time travel.

This means we're getting a new Terminator trilogy that kicks off with a future John Connor sending the original Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator farther back in time to raise Sarah Connor (she calls him "Pops") and fight a younger T-800, which in turn creates an alternate universe. Also, Arnold will look like a 67-year-old robot, because his organic exterior ages (and audiences apparently won't accept a Terminator film without him, even if we must build a marionette out of his bleached bones).

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed
Warner Bros. Pictures

Or they could just Photoshop his mug onto a body born after the Kennedy Administration. Again.

We're not making this shit up. The writers of Terminator Genisys went back, watched the first two films, and said, "Gee, you know what would make this great? If we completely erased the only two Terminator films anybody gave a crap about and gave the killer robot lots of moles."

Furthermore, there's also a new T-1000 played by the spry Lee Byung Hun. To reiterate, these are all real things that will be happening in the new Terminator films. Also, it's going to be PG-13 and the promotional material looks like it's for a SyFy original movie:

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed
Entertainment Weekly

An experience the Khaleesi knows all too well.

Again, THIS IS AN ACTUAL MOVIE. We can't help but suspect they're purposefully mercy-killing this whole reboot, which would actually make sense, because ...

The Fylm Ryghts Have Been a Desperate Mess

The first two Terminator flicks told a self-contained, fully resolved story. This explains why each subsequent attempt to restart the series has been an unapologetic cash grab greeted largely by fart noises.

ALIENS AD VEPRSUS n PCTO PREDATOR 04 lu fe to izu M V E B S t S THE TERMINATOR GOMI Awornconewwlsaaiwnoowakoushom
Dark Horse Comics

Remember, if you're going to resurrect an ailing franchise, go big or go home.

You see, after Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the rights to the franchise were picked up in 2007 by The Halcyon Company for $25 million to make Terminator Salvation. Even though Salvation turned a profit, the film's myriad legal problems forced Halcyon to file for bankruptcy in 2009, before the movie was even released on DVD.

Warner Bros. Pictures

The perfect stocking stuffer for when you hate your kids and there's no coal available.

In 2010, the rights were bought for almost $30 million by PacifiCor, the hedge fund that forced Halcyon into bankruptcy. They in turn sold the rights in 2011 to Annapurna Films. Annapurna dropped out of the production this year, leaving it to Skydance Pictures, who are now making Genisys for $175 million, as this movie has apparently grown sentient and is actively willing itself into existence.

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed
Warner Bros. Pictures

"You only postponed it. Pops-ment Day is inevitable."

Yes, the act of making Terminator films seems more like a symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder than a wise business. Remember, neither T3 nor Salvation killed at the box office. This franchise is pretty much rat poison, which kind of explains why ...

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed

The Dyrector Was Theyr 5th Choyce

After McG's Terminator Salvation and some guy's Terminator 3, who was tapped to direct Genisys? Alan Taylor, who most recently did the perfectly serviceable Thor: The Dark World. Mind you, this was after the producers angled for Ang Lee, Looper's Rian Johnson, Prisoners director Denis Villeneuve, and then settled on Justin Lin, who ended up dropping out of the film.

4 Signs the New 'Terminator' Movie Is Doomed
Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Seen here informing his date about Paramount's plans for two goddamn sequels.

That's right, Taylor was the fifth choice after the guy who did Fast & Furious 6 fell through, and only after producers basically scrolled the creative gamut until settling with a dude who they knew was competent enough to follow studio orders. You see, most directors aren't particularly keen to paint over another guy's work, unless you happen to be Werner Herzog (and just not give a shit) or the following dude ...

James Cameron Ys Hauntyng Yt Wyth Hys Opynyons

One of the smartest things George Lucas ever did with the Star Wars franchise was A) realize it was time for a new generation to take the wheel and B) tuck and roll out of the damn vehicle. Yeah, he hand-picked J.J. Abrams for the job, and still offers Obi-Wan-like wisdom to the director, but at the end of the day, the new trilogy will not come down to the demands of a grey-bearded madman.

Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Just to be safe though, the producers forced Arnold to shave five times a day.

James Cameron has taken on a similar role, with one key difference: his voice is to the ear of the movie's producers and not the director himself ... meaning that, as he actually put it in a recent interview, his role is "standing behind the curtain and whispering some court advisory in the 13th century type thing," like he's fucking Littlefinger on Game Of Thrones.

Look -- we're no truthers, but when one of the film's writers is also the producer of Avatar, and the plot is so amazingly stupid that it sounds designed to fail, it almost seems like there's some ulterior motive happening here. It's almost as if James Cameron is some sort of puppet master out to kill Terminator for everyone. But why would he do such a thing?

James Cameron hints at rebooting 'Terminator' franchise
IBN Live

"He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until other people's option rights are dead."

Find Dave on Twitter and tell him how you really feel, deep inside.

For ways we wish Hollywood would indulge us, check out 21 Movie Sequels Too Awesome to Exist.

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