4 Pregnancy Souvenirs That Will Put You Off Kids Forever
Pregnancy- and infant-related items are a major worldwide industry, so manufacturers are constantly trying to produce some stand-out new product to get a piece of the action. However, some of these ideas could've used a little more time in the womb (sorry).
Chocolate Baby Heads
For everyone who has ever wanted to stare into the formaldehyde-bleached eyes of a dead infant while biting into its sallow, spongy cheek, these solid chocolate baby heads should be right up your fear-stained alley. Designed by Conjurer's Kitchen to be placed beneath a cardboard box and a stick to trap serial killers, these delightful candy corpse-part facsimiles carry the FBI red flag of realism and taste like every nightmare you thought you'd forgotten. We assume that should you actually purchase one, the transaction will appear on your bank statement as "CODE ADAM" and you'll be required to go door to door in your neighborhood to inform people that one or more of their children may soon be featured in a mass mailing.
Oh look, they're kissing! On a related note, God is dead.
But really, who could buy just one? If that picture made you instinctively reach for your wallet like a gunslinger, odds are you'll be purchasing their entire stock while the police give themselves a head start by draping your basement apartment in yellow tape.
A Japanese company called FASOTEC now offers expectant mothers a 3-D resin model of the fetus floating around in their body as a memento, because they are operating under the assumption that gestating babies flash-frozen in mid back-flip don't make people uncomfortable, and that pregnancy is something that will eventually fade from your memory like Skeet Ulrich. For 500,000 yen (around $1,200), they'll make you this darling keepsake using an MRI scan and a 3-D printer, including a miniature charm-bracelet version that you can carry around on your cellphone or key chain to let everyone know not to approach you for any reason.
It's like a tramp stamp for monsters!
Bronzed Umbilical Cord
For around $90, a company in South Korea called U&I Impressions (whose website is now suspiciously absent from the Internet) would gold plate the shriveled umbilical cord of a new mother and put it in a Disney-limbed frame to confuse everyone who walked into your home, seeing as how the end result looks like a melted clump of Nazi gold you decided to hang on your wall. You can also pay to have your cord remnant bronzed, because according to this website, bronzing studios will cast absolutely anything that can't be immediately linked to a homicide investigation.
Knotted clumps of fused metal flesh tastefully complement any evening wear.
Once you've finally fired that screaming future resentment machine out of your body, you can pay someone to grind up the placenta and put it into capsules you can take as supplements, because eating a dehydrated sack of bloody afterbirth is way better than drinking a chocolate protein shake like some sane person not born to star lizards on one of the moons of Jupiter.
If the hospital will let you (which is one of the most important conditional statements in the history of time), you can take your placenta home and give it to a specialist like Casey Gabel, who will then produce the capsules using spiritual techniques handed down to her by past generations of experts.
Please note the framed unicorn picture in the background.
Supposedly the capsules can help replenish important hormones and nutrients lost during childbirth, although we hasten to add that "nutrients" is a blanket term most frequently used by people who don't know what the hell they're talking about. While the argument can be made that eating the placenta is completely natural, since pretty much every non-human mammal does it, the majority of those animals also eat piles of shit and get run over by tractors with equal regularity.