4 On-Set Photos That Change the Way You See Upcoming Films
Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:
Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber
The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.
But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:
"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."
Or this photo, in which Bay felt the need to demonstrate the exact angle a terrified ingenue had to be menaced with an extraterrestrial robot hand:
"Luckily, we already had the hand made for whenever I need someone to masturbate my ego."
Just soak in the magic for a moment. Rather than fart the day away in the planetarium-size trailer he bought with alien robot giant testicles, Bay was compelled to personally thrust the pitchfork claw of an enraged house-size action figure at a woman on the verge of tears. That's a sign the guy either A) is manically committed to his job or B) killed all the prisoners on his Most Dangerous Game island and is looking for a new outlet for his psychopathy.
The New Ninja Turtles Are Just Guys With Fancy Backpacks
Speaking of Michael Bay, what's the status of the other childhood franchise over which he was inexplicably given free reign?
"These suits were made from only the finest of grandmother couches."
Yep, those ... those are turtles, we guess: four men wearing body armor woven of motel carpet. We know they can't actually find mutant turtles to fill the roles, but would it be so hard to get a Foot Clan armed with ninja weapons? They're armed with firearms and broom handles. That's not an evil gang of shinobis; that's an out-of-control janitor's strike.
"They even cut our hours to part time. I've got terribly costumed ninja-kids to feed."
Again, we're not obtuse. We understand that computer animation is all the craze in Hollywood nowadays and probably will be until puppet shows once again usurp movies as society's dominant form of entertainment. But when you compare these photos to the first cinematic Ninja Turtles -- which were straight-up built by Jim Henson Studios -- you can't shake the suspicion that the new movie will be about overfunded futon thieves instead of wisecracking reptilian fetuses.
The Hobbit 3 Is Basically a Star Wars Prequel
We've applauded Peter Jackson before for his refusal to resort to CGI in his Lord of the Rings trilogy and instead using some clever trickery to get the shots he needs: forced perspective, elaborate rotating sets, the works. So what sort of clever plans does he have for the final film in the Hobbit trilogy?
Oh ... that's ... oh. Just actors in a green screen room. Well, at least the actors aren't CGI, too, right? Right?
You were the chosen one!
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. After making one highly successful fantasy film trilogy, Jackson's creating a new kid-friendly trilogy of prequels that's mostly computer-generated. The Illuminati is Jar Jar Binks.
The Avengers 2 Stars the Creepy Guy Who Jogs Around Your Neighborhood
By now, everyone's familiar with the huge New York battle royal from The Avengers. It's been a few years, but we're pretty sure that scene took up 90 percent of the film's running time. So how's the sequel going to follow up that amazing sequence? With the exact same thing, apparently.
All of the elements are there. Big open area in daylight! Rubble in the streets! But who gives a crap? The Avengers was great! The Avengers 2 could take place entirely on the Planet of Sunlight and Rubble and we'd still cheer our lungs out. Let's take a closer look at one of the newest Avengers, the super-fast Quicksilver, known for his fleet feet, snappy haircut, and poor attitude:
"Wait, I thought Fox had the rights to the shitty version of me?"
Hold on, what the fuck happened to Quicksilver? Is he honestly sporting '90s-era bleached hair and running shoes? He looks like the lead singer of Collective Soul training for a half-marathon. And what's up with the stubble? He's crazy fast, so shaving should take like 0.5 seconds. And that shirt makes him look like a one-man PSA against Under Armour. Overall, he looks like that guy who slowly runs around your neighborhood air drumming, even though he's not wearing headphones. Maybe they'll replace him with Benedict Cumberbatch in post.
"My mutant power is this accent!"