Anyone who has gone within a 10-foot radius of a computer, a television, or another human being no doubt considers themselves "up to speed" on the situation currently exploding in Ferguson, Missouri, after police shot an unarmed black teenager named Michael Brown. And unsurprisingly, the media is so thick with bullshit that we've decided to cut it all down in one swinging arc to help you get your bearings. Here are all the latest and fakest news stories coming out of Ferguson.

There Is Zero Doubt That Michael Brown Stole Cigars (Not That It Matters)

For every tragic event, there sprouts a litany of conspiracy theories by a substantial number of crazy people who were never meant to have access to the Internet. For example, people are already asserting that Michael Brown never stole those cigars to begin with -- their evidence being fuzzy security video on YouTube.

Did Michael Brown Steal Cigars - Or Pay For Them? William Norman Grigg
lewrockwell.com

"Or lease, with option to smoke?"

Is it all some big lie by the cops? That would sure be impressive considering that Brown's friend has flat out confirmed to the FBI that they stole cigars before the incident. Meanwhile, this headline keeps making the rounds:

Ferguson cop who shot Michael Brown didn't know he was a suspect FRI.08/15/2014-2-25PM SUN-TIMES WIRES @SUNTIMES L EMAIL
politics.suntimes.com

DAILY NEWS NEW YORK NEWS POLITICS SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT U.S WORLD CRISE THE WEEK NEWS PICS BLOGS Ferguson cop Darren Wilson didn't know Michael Brown w
nydailynews.com

"Regular assassination, too."

Look -- we don't want to give the wrong impression here. Michael Brown could have burned down that store and still wouldn't deserve to be shot if he wasn't threatening the life of the cop. But as the story later clarifies, the officer (who was aware of the previous robbery) saw Brown walking with the same cigars that had been stolen and suspected that he was the shoplifter. And why is this so important? It isn't, which is why it's so important. Focusing on whether or not Michael Brown stole cigars as a big factor in the story implies that the police response was somehow way more forgivable if the kid who was shot six fucking times in the street lifted $50 in smokables. And speaking of smokables ...

Brown Having Marijuana in His System Is a Non-Story

Another non-story the news has felt compelled to stress is that Michael Brown had traces of marijuana in him when he was shot, causing the extremely objective analysts on Fox News to speculate multiple times that being high might have caused him to act crazy and could even imply that PCP was involved. Other less grotesque sources like the Washington Post, Boston.com, and -- OK, only slightly less grotesque -- the New York Post have simply resigned themselves to reporting it like it's a thing that matters in the least bit.

NEWS SHARE Report: Brown Had Marijuana in His System When Shot by Police By Chris Caesar Bostoncor Staff August 18
boston.com

Next potential bombshell: Michael Brown toxicology report; Update: Brown had marijuana in his system Posted at 7:40 am on August 18, 2014 by Twitchy S
twitchy.com

Look forward to a special O'Reilly Factor on "jazz cigarettes."

Fun fact, everyone: Marijuana stays in your system for up to 40 days. It's information that doesn't take a hoity-toity science expert to figure out, but rather a quick -- possibly even drunken -- few minutes of research from the Huffington Post to determine, meaning that the trace of weed has as much damning power as a fart in a wind tunnel ... especially considering that if police shot everyone in America right now, the headlines would say the same thing about approximately 18.9 million other bodies.

The KKK Isn't Getting Involved

Like the rest of the planet, we're not exactly jumping to be first in line to defend the Ku Klux Klan. Unfortunately, the media have forced our hand. We hope you're all happy.

KKK raising money for hero' Ferguson cop who shot Jewish controlled black thug By David Ferguson Thursday, August 14 2014 11:03 EDT
rawstory.com

TOP NEWS HOME TOP NEWS /U.S NEWS KXK CALLS MICHAEL BROWN SHOOTER HERO' RAISES MONEY FOR HIM KKK calls Michael Brown shooter 'hero,' raises money for h
upi.com

*Sigh* Goddamnit, news.

OK, wow. Fuck all of that. Every inch of that should be fucked. As Raw Story, UPI, the Independent, and Salon have shared with us all, it appears that the KKK really sucks balls right now, as they are raising goddamn blood money for the cop who shot the unarmed teenager in question.

Only here's the thing: The KKK doesn't actually fund-raise for their own agenda -- that's what member fees are for -- nor do they permit random members to go to the media for publicity. For example, this confirmed KKK grand wizard recently came out to the media to officially declare the Klan's stance on the fundraiser as being: "We don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

Turns out that whoever is rallying in the name of these white-robed dumbass spectacles is in no way connected with the official headquarters and may or may not just be one crazy dude who simply emailed the press trying to drum up some good old-fashioned racism while the iron is still hot. Joke's on him, though, because we're pretty sure racism has been around for a while now.

Don't Believe ANY of the Tweets from Reporters

If we've learned anything from this and our ongoing series about bullshit in the news, it's that the quicker a news story is moving, the more likely it is that parts are going to fly off in the wind. "Parts" in this analogy being "facts." So when a bunch of Pulitzer-drunk jackasses with press badges and blocks of news vans waft into some small-town tragedy armed with only their wits and 140 characters' worth of hearsay, you bet your lucky stars that bullshit like this is going to happen:

Christopher Hayes Follow @chrislhaves I'm looking at what appears to be a dead body in the middle of Chambers Reply 13 Retweet Favorite GA Share More
twitter.com/chrislhayes

Quality stuff, you bag of stagnant air. The dead body in question, as clarified 12 hours after the tweet, was from an unrelated car accident and not police hammering down on protesters. Also, it wasn't a dead body at all.

Christopher Hayes Follow @chrislhayes Apparently there were 3 ppl involved in the crash whose aftermath I witnessed last night. NO FATALITIES per STL
twitter.com/chrislhayes

Christopher Hayes Follow @chrislhaves Person I saw laying on the ground not moving last night apparently one of the crash victims, rushed to hospital
twitter.com/chrislhayes

"My credibility was announced as DOA."

Not to read as hyperbolic, but tweeting "Dead body!" in the middle of a tense standoff is kind of like yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theater. So here's how we solve this: STOP READING TWEETS. Seriously, no more tweets out of Ferguson from reporters who have a tip-toed view of what's actually happening there. Because rubbernecking shit like this ...

Kyung Lah Follow @KyungLahCNN #CNN Producer Steven Kastenbaum confirms/ witnessed shots were fired at police. Says both police and media had to hit th
twitter.com/KyungLahCNN

Jon Swaine Follow @jonswaine Two separate bursts of gunfire outside Domino's Pizza on W Florissant Reply 13 Retweet Favorite Ge Share More
twitter.com/jonswaine

... isn't ...

Ryan J. Reilly Follow @ryanjreilly Report of shots fired has been cleared as fireworks, police say. #Ferguson Reply 13 Retweet Favorite GA Share More
twitter.com/ryanjreilly

"In our defense, they do have 'bang' in the name."

... helping. If there was ever a time we needed the news to not be a boiling swill of click-bait and outrage fodder ... now is that time. Or are we asking too much?


If you have any leads on BS in Ferguson or anywhere else in the world, do be a peach and share that with David on his Twitter.

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