4 New Apps Designed by the Creepiest People You Know
Creeping out random strangers used to take a lot of effort. Between all the materials you had to buy (voodoo dolls, voice-distorters, magazines with various types of fonts) and the time you had to spend hiding outside windows/behind bushes/under beds, being a horror-movie-level creep was a hobby only a select few could pursue. Luckily, that's all in the past -- the wonderful world of technology is making it easier and more convenient than ever for varsity creepers to trap strangers in terrifying situations.
An App That Favorites Old Instagram Photos Specifically to Creep People Out
There are two types of people in the world: those who think accidentally liking an extremely old photo on someone else's social media profile is the worst thing that could ever happen, and those who are annoyed that you have to scroll too much to do that. Like Creeper is meant for the second crowd.
"Step 4: Enjoy your new restraining order!"
The process couldn't be easier: simply give control of your Instagram account to this shady, semi-anonymous website that literally has the word "creep" in its name, and it will automatically like an ancient photo from someone you follow, thus making them think you're a stalker who spent all night going through their selfies, inspirational quotes, and lunch photos. It's unclear whether the software is programmed to prioritize bathing suit shots, but it is our responsibility to assume that it does.
"Nana at the lake house last year. Miss u so much." Jackpot!
What do you get out of this? Absolutely nothing, beyond the satisfaction of attempting to make someone in your circle of friends or online acquaintances feel uncomfortable. On the upside, the real social media creepers of the world can now use "It wasn't me, it was a joke website!" as a valid excuse for the dreaded accidental late-night like, so keep that in mind.
An App That Invites Strangers to Party (Targeted at Users as Young as 13)
Building on the revolutionary concept of "this complete stranger has an attractive photograph, let me invite them into my home," a former Australian investment banker has started an app that utilizes the technique to help you find party guests, in case you're the type of friendless lunatic who has no idea how to speak to other human beings. You're presented with a photo and a short party description, at which point you can swipe left to keep browsing or swipe right to ask for the address. If the party's owner thinks you're good-looking enough to hang out with them, you're in. It's completely safe, because we all know that murderers don't have the ability to be charming or attractive.
If these two met on Tinder that would explain so, so much.
The idea for this app, called KickOn, popped into inventor Charlie Stewart's head because of a law in Australia that prevents people from entering public partying establishments after a certain time, causing the party to flow into the streets. Stewart's idea was to invent an app that would keep the party going by sending everyone into the houses of total strangers, because that's way safer than hanging out in the well-lit, highly visible public streets.
It's one thing when you're near a college campus and you're most likely just going to wander into some student's house party, but KickOn could very well lead you into a coven of warlocks looking for a fresh sacrifice to Ba'al. Fraternities can even use it to gauge their popularity: after attending a party, attendees can give it a 5-star rating or let others know about the inch of suspicious standing liquid congealing around that chest freezer in the basement.
"DJ was chill. Good drink specials. Host wore a mask of human skin. Three stars."
For some insane reason, people as young as 13 can use KickOn to find dangerously anonymous people to hang out with. Stewart says that it's so kiddos can find people to play "a game of soccer in the park," and definitely not for them to get kidnapped by pornography bandits masquerading as kids looking to recruit players for their game of soccer in the park. Speaking of which ...
An App to Connect With Strangers to Drive Your Kids Around
Developer Nick Allen created an app called Shuddle that allows you to book a ride for your kids to head to band practice, baseball games, or other places not important enough for you to attend. It's being billed as an "Uber for kids" and is so far available only in the San Francisco and San Jose areas, which is another way of saying that it is currently available only for rich children whose parents no longer care about them.
Shuddle is still in its early stages, possibly because it's an app that lets strangers drive your kids around. It's like a kidnapper's personal assistant.
"Estimated ransom: $500,000."
You might recognize "hitching a ride with strangers" as literally the one thing we've consistently told children never to do. Allen is well aware of how insane that sounds, which is why the company forces drivers to submit to extensive background checks, makes sure there are code words so that children are not intercepted by other strangers, and requires the tiny passengers to have a cellphone on them in case an abduction should suddenly break out. Also, kids have to be old enough to legally ride without a booster chair -- thus leaving a whole market open until some other entrepreneur comes up with a taxi service for infants.
Anyway, like we said, this is still a budding program, but let's be honest: it took only a couple of years for an Uber driver to start attacking passengers with a hammer, and presumably that guy didn't even have to put up with dipshit preteens.
An App That Lets Strangers Wake You Up
The recently unveiled Wakie, an app designed by probable sociopaths, replaces your traditional alarm with a random, anonymous person who will call you in the morning to wake you up.
"Yeah yeah, 'guy behind the guy.' Get your ass up, Mr. Biden."
The idea is that making you talk to someone for a minute (the calls are automatically cut off after 60 seconds) will force your brain to wake up, and apparently it works pretty well. Where it gets a little weird is that users are essentially trying to turn Wakie into Match.com for sleepy strangers -- something that the app's creators are apparently delighted to support, since they're offering a paid version where you can specify your caller's gender, opt to talk with them for five minutes instead of just one, and look at their profile afterward. Truly, the only question we have about someone who volunteers to spend their mornings talking to total strangers struggling against the bonds of sleep for one-minute blocks is whether or not that person is dateable.
Wakie's user base is more than happy to answer any other questions you may have.
And that's on top of the bugs and crashes pretty much every reviewer mentions, making the app not that good at the whole "reliably wake you up every morning" thing. It's the 21st-century equivalent of leaving your bedroom window unlocked and counting on some stranger to pop in and whisper you awake.