4 Awesome Relics Of History (You Didn't Know You Could Buy)
Several iconic items that represent famous swaths of the past have recently gone to auction, so if you've got several potato sacks of $100,000 to spare, famous relics can sit in your living room, watching you masturbate at the spectacle of your pecuniary intemperance.
A 150 Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Skeleton
Back in 2009, one of perhaps half a dozen full diplodocus skeletons discovered thus far was found in a Wyoming quarry, with nine weeks of digging required to fully disinter the skeleton. Most of these skeletons are treasured pieces in museums and galleries. But this dinosaur is different, because earlier this autumn, the 60-foot-long beast went on the auction block.
Somewhere, Nic Cage needs a drool bucket.
The diplodocus was sold last month in England to an unnamed buyer for $650,000, which is kind of a bargain when you realize you're getting a whole dinosaur and not a shitty studio apartment in Manhattan or something. Also, the auctioneers noted that the winner plans to put the diplodocus on display for the public, which means that at least this paleontological treasure won't spend the rest of its days in a black-lit dungeon, an unwitting accomplice in a crazy plutocrat's sex games.
Han Solo's Blaster
Because no list of awesome auctions is complete without a treasure that has made countless nerds wake up with perplexing erections, know that Han Solo's very own DL-44 blaster is on the market. The blaster (which is based on the German Mauser C96 handgun and does not fire actual lasers, just to be clear) is the one that was Force-yoinked by Darth Vader out of Han's hand and was the catalyst for a wrestling match between Han and an Imperial Stormtrooper during the Battle of Endor.
He really could have made things easier for himself if he had been more of a "shoot first" type of guy.
Mind you, this was not the same blaster Han used during his standoff with Greedo, which George Lucas will inevitably someday re-edit into a tap-dancing competition. The bidding will begin at $200,000 on December 21, giving you enough time to fake your entire family's deaths for the life insurance money.
Bruce Lee's Jumpsuit
In his last movie -- 1973's Game of Death -- Bruce Lee wore a tight yellow polyester jumpsuit. The outfit has since become indelibly associated with the martial artist, as Lee was one of the few people in the history of the human race who could ever make dressing as a giant honeybee look utterly badass.
Yes, that's a 5-foot 7-inch Lee kicking a 7-foot 2-inch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the face. Suck it, Olympic high jumpers.
And earlier this month -- 40 years after his death -- that same outfit was up for grabs to anyone who wished to own a prime cinematic artifact (or the world's most expensive slightly shrunken onesie).
"The leg reflexively kicked three appraisers."
The suit eventually fetched $100,590 in an auction that also included Lee's famed nunchaku. The weapon drew a $70,000 final bid, which might be due to the fact that only one of the two items had direct contact with Bruce Lee's legendary, chi-infused balls. And while we're on the topic ...
Buzz Aldrin's Underwear
On July 20, 1969 -- during the summer that Bryan Adams purported to receive the best blow jobs of his life -- the entire world waited with bated breath as astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. To commemorate this momentous achievement, this past November, an auction site bid away several significant pieces of the 20th century space race, most notably a back-up pair of Buzz Aldrin's astro long johns.
"Free shipping and pee."
So what does this all mean? If you were a millionaire with too much time on your hands and not enough alimony checks, you'd be able to wear Buzz Aldrin's moon underwear beneath your Bruce Lee kung fu jumpsuit while shooting Han Solo's blaster as you sit atop your fossilized beast from the ancient world. Essentially, you would become God.
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