10 Celebrity Twitter Accounts We Lost in 2012
2012 saw the Internet popularity contest Twitter lose many of its famous users. These celebrity departures resulted in a shameful number of people giving a shit.
Chris Brown, who is most famous for beating the shit out of a woman, unceremoniously quit Twitter this past weekend after threatening to beat the shit out of a woman. After getting into a heated exchange with comedian Jenny Johnson, in which he declared his intention to shit in her mouth and retina, he bizarrely repeated the phrase "carpe diem" and abruptly deleted his account. Somebody should probably explain to him that "carpe diem" means "seize the day" and not "Ha ha I win, let's go bite and strangle a 21-year-old girl."
Chris Brown, seen here with a bunch of pubic hair glued to his face.
Alec Baldwin, star of The Cat in the Hat and Rock of Ages, quit Twitter (for the second time) in July for no apparent reason. He posted a picture of his new wife, said "It's been fun," and bailed, as if to say, "Who has time to tweet with all this fucking I have to do?"
"Between that and practicing my look of smug self-satisfaction, I'm completely swamped."
Nicki Minaj deleted her account after discovering that a fan site was leaking her music, deciding to punish all 15 million of her followers, who are apparently under the impression that her tweets come from her giant boobs and ass, instead of the blasted wasteland between her ears. She has since returned to Twitter, evidently looking to start a feud with Steven Tyler, which honestly is all we want for Christmas this year.
Seriously, more than Battle Cat and the Technodrome combined.
Moffat, the current head writer of Doctor Who, dropped out of the Twitterverse because he's just too goddamn busy. His tweet archive suggests that he wasn't ever entirely sure of what to do with the medium in the first place, and thus decided to focus all of his attention on the television show he was placed in charge of, rather than do confused battle with trolls.
He's also devoted increasing time to his meth addiction.
Charlie Sheen, the star of every single meme of 2011, deleted his account after insisting that it wasn't his idea to begin with (to be fair, one of the mechanical tigers in his nightmares probably did tell him to do it). This is after he accidentally tweeted his phone number in an attempt to contact Justin Bieber, which is a sentence that should never have been written about a 47-year-old man.
On a related note, "Unemployed Winner" is the perfect title for Sheen's autobiography.
Zayn Malik, one of the Jedi-named singers from the boy band One Direction, fled Twitter after getting his feelings hurt by the Internet. We would tell you more about him, but you don't care.
We'd mock him, but his hair beat us to it.
Adele, the chocolate pie fan turned Grammy winner, left Twitter in the wake of a series of inexplicable death threats directed at her newborn baby, because the Internet is a consequence-free environment that breeds sociopaths. Her official account is still active, so your babymurder quips can be directed there.
If you aren't too busy threatening the president or signing secession petitions.
Blythe, the frontman of metal band Lamb of God, deleted his account after sagely declaring that Twitter "is full of idiots." While it can be argued that getting upset over Twitter isn't very metal, Blythe went to jail a few months later for killing someone in Prague, which is the metallest thing of all time.
Even metaller than shampooing with generic bottled water.
Kanye West quit his all-caps stream-of-consciousness feed for reasons that aren't immediately clear. He deleted (or locked) all of his previous tweets, leaving only the cryptic message "BE BACK SOON," which either means that his Jason Bourne programming has kicked back in or that he simply needs both hands to strap Kim Kardashian's breast girdle into place.
"They're actually held up by shellac."
Perkins, the center for the Oklahoma City Thunder, abandoned his Twitter account after being savagely dunked on by Internet royalty Blake Griffin (the commentator literally calls it a "monster jam," because we are clearly witnessing NBA Jam and not real life). Twitter exploded, and Perkins escaped with what was left of his dignity.
He stored it in a Dixie Cup.