"One night, a call goes out over the radio about a person injured on the Batman ride. This ride has the rider in a seat with their feet hanging free. At one point the ride comes out of a loop close to the ground and this woman's leg and part of the seat assembly struck an employee [at 50mph] who had jumped over the fence and was in this prohibited area. There was no doubt he was dead, and nothing could be done except wait for the coroner. Upon inspection, his pockets were filled with a large amount of change. We figured he was attempting to collect the money that fell from people's pockets and was in the wrong place at the wrong time."
And this kind of thing is why you don't pay employees 30 percent of minimum wage.
According to Justin, this same ride also killed a teenager a year later, when he jumped the fence to get back the hat he had lost. A nearly identical accident happened at Anthony's park -- hat, suspended roller coaster, and all:
"There was a man who lost his hat on a ride, got off, and decided to jump over the fence to get it. He ended up getting hit by a car on our [suspended roller coaster]. One other case occurred at our water park. A man cut through the line, fought through guests and the lifeguards, and jumped down one of our tallest slides, which is almost a complete vertical drop. He tumbled over and landed on the fence below. He died."
In conclusion, the biggest killers at amusement parks are idiocy and Darwinism. Don't f**k with them and you'll be OK. And maybe stay away from the corn dogs.
Anthony is a part-time teacher and podcaster and a full-time mythical Goat-Devourer. You can follow him on twitter @elchupacabradlx. Dominic Danzo is a former employee in Games at Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter.
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