4

The Death Threats Aren't Just Talk

Let's give you some very brief background on the situation here. Venezuela is, on paper, a super-rich country. They have more oil than anyone else on Earth. But thanks to cartoonish levels of government corruption, their economy's shit the bed so badly that it's no longer recognizable as a bed. As a result, Venezuela is sort of collapsing as a nation (they're now experiencing food shortages so severe that one citizen we spoke with reported defending his mango tree with a crossbow). Since the Venezuelan government is largely responsible for the clusterfuck, they tend to clamp down brutally on journalists who write about it.

Kalen40/Wiki Commons
At this point, they have orders to shoot all Cracked writers on sight.

3

Everyone Is Subject To Absurdly Strict Loyalty Tests

Of course, lots of the threats only occur if you happen to work for an outlet willing to talk back to the government in the first place. Much of the time, if your goal is to do real journalism, you won't even make it through the door ... or if you do, you won't stay for long. Ask Mariana. "In the first [media company] I worked, I wrote a report about the increasing rate of murders that happened in the last month, and my boss decided to dismiss me, saying that I was putting the company at risk because of my investigator wannabeism," she said, inadvertently teaching us a new word in the process.

Alejandro Cegarra/AP
Venezuela discourages radical opinions, such as "murder is bad."

"Veronica," who works for state-owned media, has even less freedom -- which, for those of you keeping score, is negative freedom. "It is well-known that If you want to work in these places, you have to be enrolled in the ruling coalition party, because otherwise you don't have a chance." She told us about a sports writer ("one of the best sports journalist[s] in the country") who applied for a job, only to have Human Resources ask him "if he was enrolled in the government's party, and if he was willing to give his life for the revolution." That's a pretty heavy goddamned question to get if you're applying to work at the CIA, let alone a job covering fucking baseball scores.

"The guy said that he only was a reporter and a sports fan, and the secretary told him that in this media, we only need militants who want to fight against the 'information war,' which is the name that the ruling coalition has put to the news that explicitly explains the nation's reality," she continued. Obviously, the guy didn't get the job ...

Borusse86/Wiki Commons
But Venezuela went on to win the World Cup, say reports.

2

Journalists Can Get Beaten In The Street By Paramilitary Gangs

Every oppressive government's playbook includes tools not just for shutting down the free press, but also convincing people that the press is the enemy. There is therefore a looser standard of law enforcement in Venezuela when it comes to folks who enjoy beating up journalists. Enter Colectivos -- part political education organizations, part armed gangs of assholes.

periodistadigital.com
Part uncategorized scary motherfuckers.

Luis explained that they "[Tend] to intimidate in a physical and very violent manner those who are filming or investigating a case." Or at least, any such investigations that won't reflect well on the government. During a protest in 2014, "I was going back to my car after interviewing one of these protesters," Alberto says, when "two guys wearing [black helmets] suddenly appeared and asked me if I supported these guarimberos terroristas." That is, "road-blocking terrorists" -- their rather inflammatory term for the protestors. "After saying that I was just a journalist, one of them took a bat and hit me in the stomach, while the other guy grabbed my recorder and stuffed in his pants pocket, laughing at me."

mutlubiseyler/iStock
"Just a journalist" is like telling a hammer you're "just a nail."

1

Ultimately, The Goal Is To Terrify Everyone Into Silence

Of course, the government has also made a habit of straight-up jailing reporters who don't play nice, like radio personality Braulio Jatar. He was coincidentally charged with "money laundering" immediately after publishing videos of a protest.

Braulio Jatar
"Laundering money? What money?"

This was similar to what photojournalist "Antonio" went through some years ago, when he was taking pictures of a riot near his vacation home. "I took some photos of the event, and some guys from a famous newspaper told me to go with them to the newsroom in order to sell the photos for a very good price," he said. "Once I was in the car, those guys told that they were from the Intelligence Service, and I literally pissed my pants, which cost me several punches in my face." For the next 48 hours, things amazingly went downhill from there.

"When I got to the prison, they ordered me to call my mother and tell her that I was going to another city to make an investigation. Then I was jailed with other five guys in a tiny cell with no beds and no toilet, having to take turns to lie down and rest for 30 minutes in a floor full of urine, excrement, and puke of some who couldn't resist the disgusting smell."

nyxmedia/iStock
They did rock-paper-scissors, and the 30-minute lie-down went to the loser.

He was starved for his first day, but on the second, "... they gave us rice and beans in a big pot as if we were animals. I only eat a little bit because it tasted horrible, I slept some hours on a guy's shoulder, and I didn't go to the bathroom even once."

He was released on the third day, but before he left, "... a cellmate told me that this was the modus operandi of the Intelligence Services, disguising as reporters in order to catch rioters and journalist[s]." Since he'd told them he was on vacation, Antonio was easy bait. "When I was about to leave, a soldier told me that if this incident appears on the press, they would 'fuck my entire family,' so I didn't say a single word to anyone."

Until now. Because fuck those guys entirely.

Robert Evans has a book about how prostitution, beer, hard drugs and cursing built civilization. You can read A Brief History of Vice now!

It's Spring Break! You know what that means: hot coeds getting loose on the beaches of Cancun and becoming imperiled in all classic beach slasher ways: man-eating shark, school of piranhas, James Franco with dreadlocks. There are so many films about vacations gone wrong, it's a chore to wonder if there's even such a thing as a movie vacation gone right. Amity Island and Camp Crystal Lake are out. So what does that leave? The ship from Wall-E? Hawaii with the Brady Bunch? A road trip with famous curmudgeon Chevy Chase? On this month's live podcast Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff are joined by some special guest comedians to figure out what would be the best vacation to take in a fictional universe. Tickets are $7 and can be purchased here!

For more insider perspectives, check out My Wealthy Country Became A Dystopia Overnight: 6 Realities and 5 Apocalyptic Realities In A Country That's Out Of Food.

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