Here’s What Life Is Like When You’re Gay But Marry Hetero

Matthew met his future bride, J, at a gay bar, where he was quite popular for his drag routines. The two became friends, and after a time she informed him that she was in love with him, and wanted to get married. Was she aware of Matthew's sexuality at the time? Well, since she met him in drag, at a gay bar, you'd figure. But...

"Did I sit down with her and say the words 'I am gay'? No, but it was extremely common knowledge. I can't express enough how out I was at that time in my life."

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Once again: dressing in drag at gay bars out in the open.

But ready to settle down and left without any other (legal) options, Matthew agreed to go along with the wedding. He confesses that neither of them had put much thought into the decision, and both may have been less than sober. But more than that, there was pressure to fit into a societal box, to meet expectations and behave the way the world wanted them to. And behave they did.

Still, that nagging feeling of wanting a stable life was also a powerful motivator: "I call it white picket fence syndrome. I wanted something more stable than the guy of the weekend. J happened to ... well ... happen, and I followed that path. My parents' marriage was never great -- dad was distant and cheated, mom was Joan Crawford without the hangers, so I thought just having a friendship/partnership was good enough, and in many ways it is." Hey, marriage comes in all sorts of forms. Take us, for example: We're holding out for "the sea." It hasn't called yet.

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"I really think of you more as a friend."

Given the political climate surrounding gay marriage at the time, some might have even been thanking their lucky stars that Matthew had dodged a sparkly, rainbow-colored bullet. Nobody was celebrating the victory of true love. None of Matt's former lovers showed up at the chapel with a boombox blasting Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight." When the officiate asked if anyone had any reason to speak out against the union, nobody batted an eye. Getting hitched seemed to be going off without a, well, hitch.

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"Really? No objections? Bride, groom? Last free exit, guys ..."

"Funnily, it seems like our marriage is stronger than most of the people we know. Our acquaintances are always talking smack about their SO's, and many have gotten divorced. I can count the number of true arguments we've had on one hand. Sure, we bicker, but nine out of 10 times, it doesn't escalate."

Most of the time our arguments don't escalate! is about as romantic as I usually close the door when having explosive diarrhea. But this isn't about romance. It's about getting by together: "I cook, I decorated the entire house, hell, I planned our wedding. My wife does the yard work, butch old thing that she is."

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We might recommend a nicer term for a woman who owns a chainsaw ...

Another difference in the Bowers family home is the sleeping arrangements. Matthew and J do not sleep in the same rooms, let alone the same bed. He says it's because he's a night owl, but we should probably note that ...

But said "itch" is Matthew's sexuality; it doesn't simply go away. So Matthew cheats sometimes. "I'm not allowed to be with men, and no, that hasn't stopped me from occasionally straying. Yes, I've cheated. Never with a woman -- why would I? And I still live with the guilt every time. [It] isn't a usual thing. I've asked (very reasonably, I think) for a FWB situation. The answer was no."

J doesn't really mind that Matthew is gay, but she doesn't like to be reminded about it either. Matthew wouldn't mind if J dallied with another man once in a while, but so far, she hasn't. The last time Matthew's wife had sex with a man was before they were married, when Matthew and J were still having sex ... with each other.

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So yeah, she's been in a bit of dry spell.

Yes, Matthew and J's relationship was a sexual one. At first. These encounters usually involved a good amount of booze, of course. Soon enough, both the alcohol and the sex dried up, and Matthew and J stopped being physical altogether. Though they do have something to remember those times fondly: their daughter.

"Last time we had sex was nine months before our daughter was born -- May 2005. The wedding was October 2005."

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Huh. Suspicious timing, that.

Matthew and J are raising her to be open-minded: "We talk to our daughter about acceptance. Gay marriage support has been voiced in the house by both of us." The family has even attended a Pride festival together. But they haven't told her the truth. Matthew is terrified of the day she figures it all out. At this point, neither he nor J have so much as dropped a hint about his past. Despite their focus on open-minded acceptance, Matthew and J really don't have a solid plan for how to deal with the day their kid fully understands all the different ways genitalia can play together.

"I'm hoping it will happen organically ... You know, no Santa, no tooth fairy, Dad is gay, no Easter Bunny."

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At least she'll never have to deal with every teen's fear of accidentally catching their parents banging.

You can practically hear the record scratch and the coffee being spit.