Hey, if you can still climax from a four-diamond Harley, more power to you. But some of us have standards.

Cosplay Deviants
What's next, nine diamonds? Where does the madness end?

"A lot of the time, the nitpicky comments are the typical pissing contest of them trying to out-nerd everyone," Shodan says. "A couple people commented on my use of a banjo instead of a bass in my Marceline photoset, and I got to school them by pointing out the specific episode I was doing. Who's the fake nerd now?!"

Cosplay Deviants / Facebook
"BUT SHE PLAYS LEFTY!" -- some nerd, probably

Still, the models do make mistakes, and this being the internet, they are not forgiven. "We had one guy get violently angry at one model because her Misty (Pokemon) ponytail was on the wrong side and she shot it in a room that wasn't quite fitting to the character."

And rightfully so. If we wanted to masturbate to garbage costumes, we'd watch Sesame Street. Get it together, Misty.

Sorry, we're being too harsh. Some of the models are practically sex heroes. "We used to have a costume reimbursement program as part of payment, where you could get reimbursed up to $100 for a costume, but we raised the pay to a straight $400 about a year and a half ago and did away with that. Depending on the costume, it can easily cost more than [we pay]."

Yes, these women occasionally lose money to get you off in a canonically accurate manner. Not all heroes wear capes (they stain easily).

Most cosplay porn isn't porn, technically speaking. "'Pornography' has a pretty specific definition and regulations, and we do not fall within it. Pornography is way more complicated to legally produce. For one thing, we would all have to get STI panels, my bosses would have to pay more taxes, and we could only film/shoot in certain places in the country."

Specifically, California or New Hampshire. Due to the special regulations of Los Angeles County and the overall New Hampshireness of New Hampshire, most porn is shot in the San Fernando Valley, which is not only expensive, but an actual circle of Hell that would give Dante PTSD.

Cosplay Deviants
But since this isn't porn, sexy Daenerys Targaryen is free to do absolutely nothing wherever she likes, wearing as little as she likes.

So this isn't porn. It's hard to imagine how Harley Quinn face-humping Poison Ivy could be categorized as anything else -- interpretive dance, maybe? -- but the devil is in the details. "If a male model has an erection in the set, neither he nor any model in the set with him can be touching it," Shodan explains. "We can't do 'spread' shots, which is when you basically just get all your business right up in the camera lens."

So full dick is okay, but you can't touch it. And you can touch your vag, but only coyly. Gotcha.

Cosplay Deviants
People are somehow OK with this. Even with zero diamonds.

Touching other people's bits is, of course, completely out of the question. Instead, all sexual activity between the female models is simulated -- as closely as possible without crossing the streams. "I've posed with my vagina hovering right above another girl's vagina, but we couldn't actually have them touch," Shodan says. "I've also posed with my face an inch away from a vagina without actually touching it for extended minutes before, which looks like believable-enough cunnilingus. It also means the other model has to make a face as if they're being eaten out. Obviously, it's pretty comical stuff."

Cosplay Deviants
Yes ... comical.

Then there's the whole public nudity thing, which is generally ill-received, if our own past experiences are anything to go by. "I'll usually have an assistant standing by with a blanket to throw over me in case of passersby, but ... I find that if you act very nonchalant about it, like it's no big deal, you can get away with a lot," Shodan says.

Cosplay Deviants / Facebook
Certain costumes have a stronger "Shut up and keeping walking" vibe than others.

But not everybody minds when beautiful ladies strip down in front of them. "One time, I was shooting a girl/girl set with a friend on a pretty public street over there, and we ended up drawing quite a crowd. As the set progresses, you see one or two cars in the background, and by the time it ends, there were close to four of them, and we had to shoo people out of the background."

There's always the risk that one of those people will alert the authorities, but as a matter of fact, "when we finished and were packing up, one of the security vans came by, and the guys inside high-fived us and told us we made their year."

If you've been to a con lately, you've probably seen something like this:

Cosplay Is Not Consent / Facebook

Well, Shodan's people run the Facebook page for the "Cosplay Is Not Consent" movement. They also do a lot of activism on convention floors, which some find hypocritical. "At Anime Expo in 2013, we paid to have a card put in every attendee bag that had a Cosplay Is Not Consent guide to convention conduct on one side and a coupon for our site on the other. Some people were furious. [They] thought it was contradictory." Telling people that sex is okay, but sexual assault isn't? How very dare you?

The hate doesn't stop on the con floor:

Cosplay Is Not Consent / Facebook
Sex-shaming, advocating rape, pretending to hate rape, mansplaining, unsolicited terrible advice ... we've got Asshole Bingo!

Here's a gift from a person who is clearly very satisfied with their life:

Etsy
The perfect button for your Con Shithead cosplay.

"We [also] get angry girlfriends/boyfriends sometimes when handing out fliers/business cards," Shodan says. "My boss got an angry email from a guy whose girlfriend had been genuinely interested in our booth at one show last year and had discussed modeling with one of my teammates, saying we were trying to exploit people or whatever. I don't know why people see porn (ahem, age-restricted content) and assume the stars are going to try to steal their partners, but it's a disturbingly common thing."

It's a real concern. To this day, we live in constant fear that Ron Jeremy is coming to steal our women.