Ruby Rocket is a professional cosplay model, which means she gets to dress up like a super hero for a living. In case you're wondering how she snagged your dream job, first of all she looks like this:
The one standing outside of the car.
Also, Ms. Rocket hand makes each of the costumes that she is hired to wear at conventions. The amount of time she's spent making and wearing super hero costumes has given her unique insight into parts of a costumed crime fighter's life that you might have taken for granted. Below, she and Cracked writer Jacopo della Quercia give you a privileged look at what it would actually be like to wear the unnecessarily tight pants of some of our favorite superheroes.
5You Don't Want Your Costume to Be Too Cool
What They Tell Us:
Look, the entire point of a superhero costume is to look cool. Kick some criminal's ass in jeans and an undershirt and you're Dog the Bounty Hunter. Kick the same criminal's ass with a boomerang that matches your animal mask, and you're the goddamned Batman.
Ruby as Loki, the Norse godess of memorable superhero costumes.
Why It's Bullshit:
Making your own superhero costume is an enormous pain in the ass, and the difficulty level goes up proportionately to how flamboyant your alter ego is. To quote Ruby:
"I've gotten requests where a client wants exactly 10,000 rhinestones on a costume. Or where they want 50+ hours worth of beading work to be done in 36 hours."
Yes, that was a 50 in there. As in more work than most of you put into your job this week counting time spent trolling Facebook. Of course, when you're a real superhero, you're not designing your costume for a bunch of guys whose dicks have OCD. But if you're looking to maintain any sort of secret identity, you are going to be making it by hand just like Ruby--even Bruce Wayne had to put his own first suit together. So every hole in your costume is going to cost you hours at the sewing machine.
"Can we move our epic showdown back a few weeks, I've got some mending to do."
Also, just because comic book fans tend to be ripe with three days worth of ball sweat (According to Ruby, "It's a known entity called 'con funk.'") doesn't mean their favorite superheroes are fighting crime in the same body suit they sweat through the night before. Assuming you're not as plot-hole spacklingly rich as Bruce Wayne, that means every little creative flourish costs you however much time it takes to execute by hand multiplied by however many costumes you need to keep from smelling like a taint.
To create that Loki costume up there, "took hours to assemble all of the scale mail. And anything like the horns that involves more than just sewing is really difficult."
The awesome horns would probably stop seeming worth it somewhere around the second time you had to carve them by hand.
After speaking with Ms. Rocket, we're pretty convinced that the only costume that makes sense for a serious crime fighter is, "Thrift Store Man." Otherwise, you're working a full-time job by day, fighting crime by night and doing 50 hours of beading work every time you run into a guard dog, all because you thought it'd be cool to look shimmery when you first designed your costume.
Another day, another goddamn horned super hero costume.