Life As A Master Balloon Artist (Is Full Of Fetishists)

"Long ago, I worked as a corporate trainer where I would teach people about computers and software. None of those paychecks come close to balloon money ... I charge a flat, $5 fee per character, but I can make 20 to 25 balloons in an hour, which is 100 bucks. Multiply that by eight hours at a convention, plus my fee for appearing at the show, and that's my entire rent covered in 24 hours. It's a pretty sweet deal."

And to answer your next obvious question:

Please notice, though, that Josh never said he refused to make any of those things. Now please notice this busty Dolly Parton balloon doll.

"I didn't have to make an obscene balloon at a kid's party, but the adults are the ones who pay me, not the kids. And not only did that Dolly Parton earn me a $25 dollar tip, but I got three calls from other birthday moms at that party looking to hire me. So you can see why entertaining adults, even at kid events, is vital to the business."

In fact, Josh often performs at adult-only parties. During one of them, held at a strip club, he made this for one of the guests:

Seriously though, sexy balloons aren't always a joke ...

A few weeks later, though, Josh's girlfriend brought the topic up again and Josh actually considered it as long as, he said, "I didn't tie the balloon (so that I could control the airflow) and she was properly excited ... In the end, we didn't go through with it, but there has always been a little part of me that wonders 'what if?,' which clashes with the 'these are for kids, you pervert' side of me."

However, if Josh ever does decide to try it, he can just pick up some of the balloon fetishists he comes across in his job, who are as real and weird as the face you're making right now. They're called "looners."

"Because I spend my days knee-deep in latex, I often come across the occasional looner. After my first foray into the adult entertainment world, I started taking more gigs at clubs, bars, bachelorette parties, and other places that involve copious amounts of alcohol and/or loose morals. This has led to some interesting confessions from people, like this one bridesmaid drunkenly telling me, in detail, that she used to date a clown and developed a balloon fetish. Apparently he would practice twisting in the evening before they went to bed to have sex." Which then turned into a weird correlation in her brain between balloons and sex that would make Pavlov burn his life's work out of shame.

Josh obsesses about these tiny details because if he doesn't, the fans sure will.

"I've had children break down over the fact that their Minion balloon has one eye and not two, or that their 'Steve from Minecraft' balloon is slightly circular instead of square, because IT'S A FUCKING BALLOON. What's even better, though, is when an adult (usually a dad, sorry guys) asks for a really specific character from their childhood (Darkwing Duck, anyone?) and when you've finished twisting your heart and soul into it, they respond with 'well, you tried, anyway.' Hey. Hey you. Fuck you."

"I have a catalog of hundreds of characters in my head. Even then, the 'menu' I bring with me to events is updated about every three months or so, because Disney, Nickelodeon, DreamWorks etc. put out new characters more often than you change your underwear. Usually I'm rushing to the theatre every six weeks to make sure I can see the movie first to get the character design down."

And then writing it off as a business expense, which is pretty cool. Substantially cooler than the other thing the job comes with, which is the assumption that you're a child molester.

"The amount of extra hassle it takes to convince people I'm not a modern-day pied piper is pretty exhausting at times. I've had moms ask for a criminal background check, dads ask if I'm properly insured, and one time, at a public park event, I was asked to leave because in trying to gather the kids to form a line, I started (very gently) moving them into some sort of order and a parent thought I was touching her kid inappropriately. I personally don't think I was (I had one hand on the kid's back and was edging them into the line), but that was all it took for me to get punted. Meanwhile, I've seen my female counterparts flat-out pick kids up as part of their act, and no one blinks an eye."

Parents are usually more OK with women hanging around their children, even in gender-neutral jobs like children's entertainment. It's one of the reasons Josh doesn't do birthday parties anymore, unless it's for Adam West.

If you want Josh to screw you or your wallet with his balloon art, you can check his work out at thegeekballoonist.com, send him an email at josh@thegeekballoonist.com or find him at a comic-con near you. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.

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