4

Bus Drivers Can't Touch The Students -- Not Even During Medical Emergencies

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People are always going on about wanting to protect children, but if they actually meant it, then school bus drivers would be given extensive first-aid training and permission to catapult troublemakers out of the vehicle via ejector seat. (Also, all buses would be equipped with ejector seats.) Instead, what most drivers are given is less authority than a mall cop. "We aren't allowed to touch students, even if they're trying to kill each other ... It could lead to a lawsuit," says Jay. Meaning if a fight breaks out on his bus, the most he can do is yell at the kids and radio the school for help. That's it. This is the policy in many if not most school districts.

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"HEY, STOP FIGHTING BACK THERE ... Oh well, did all I could. I have $30 on Billy! Who's in?"

3

Children Have No Sense Of Self-Preservation

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For Jay, it's normal to see students leaning out of the windows, opening the emergency exits, or yelling at pedestrians (usually something vulgar/sexual). Every jackass stunt like that means precious seconds of him not paying 100 percent attention to the road while operating a five-ton vehicle hurtling down the street.

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"Why should we care? We're reasonably sure we're immortal."

2

It's Almost Impossible For A Driver To Be Fired

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Remember that driver we mentioned earlier who was fired for reporting a student assaulting her? No you don't, because she didn't lose her job -- she merely had to change routes. Oh, not because the school's administration ultimately realized that they were being jackasses, but because drivers cannot be fired, no matter what. What's even weirder is that you only need a commercial driver's license to get this job for life in which you can do pretty much anything you want as long as you don't put your hands on the kids.

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Well, this character suddenly makes a million times more sense.

"I know several drivers who run the same red lights every day, or speed in excess of 10 miles over the limit," Jay told us. "There's a huge shortage of drivers across the country, and they're desperate to keep people on, no matter what they do. Leave a student on the bus after going home for the day? Still working. Crash into a house? Still working. Sexually harass employees? Still driving." And harassing, we assume.

And all those cases that Jay mentioned aren't hypothetical. "A month or so ago, this guy somehow didn't notice a little kid sleeping in the seat right behind him, and left him on the bus. He was working again after about three days ... Also, right before the end of school, another driver crashed on the freeway under odd circumstances. [He] couldn't even get out the front door, it was so mangled. He still has his job."

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"Well, you didn't touch the kids by trying to rescue them, so we'll see you again on Monday."

1

School Buses See More Action Than Some Brothels

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Alright, you probably knew this was coming eventually.

"Last year, we had two kids who were boyfriend and girlfriend orally pleasing each other, to put it kindly," Adam says. "There was even a camera on them! They'd put a blanket over themselves, and on the camera, you can see how suddenly her head just went down ..." Not that adults are any better. During off hours, Mike's company rents out their buses to people who are too cheap to spring for the stretch Hummer. And because people are terrible, their primary response to being given access to something intended for children is to whip out their genitals.

"One time, I was driving for a high school reunion and taking the people home after," Mike says. "Everyone was drunk, and I just looked up and managed to see this one woman's ankles up on top of the seat. I thought she was just passed out or something. Then I saw a bunch of cell phone lights come up and realized she definitely wasn't ... It's happened at least twice on private runs."

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"Sorry, kids. We gotta wait for the Hazmat Team to get here."

And yes, those buses are the same ones that later take your kids to school -- hopefully after a thorough wipe-down and a long cry for humanity in the shower. "There is not enough disinfectant," Mike says. We say that's the understatement of the fucking century, so maybe you should buy your kid's bus driver a Christmas present this year. A crate of Purell would be nice.

Remind Manna about things on Twitter. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.

For more insider perspectives, check out Kids Want To Finger Your Butt: Adventures In Teaching Abroad and 5 Shocking Realities Of Working With Disturbed Children.

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