That was the first time I realized it's all just paper. Paper and words.

So I found some nice stock, matched the fonts, and faked my first document in Photoshop. My first sale was a dude I used to get high with who got pulled over sans insurance and ticketed for it. I offered to test my little scheme out on him. It worked. He got out of a ticket, I got a little bag of dope, and that was it: I was in business. Everybody expects something more in-depth from your criminal origin story, but there's no official college course for budding felons ... aside from maybe political science.

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"I'm sorry, Advanced Lock-Picking is full. Have you considered Intro to Hot-Wiring?"

From that point on, I offered six months of phony insurance for $30. It was a way better deal than actual insurance, for everyone but the people my often-drugged-up clients hit. They probably took little solace from the fantastic savings I offered, no matter how much everybody loves a good deal.

Like any subculture, meth-heads tend to find each other and congregate, so as to better discuss the pertinent meth-related issues of the day. One of my druggie friends would tell the story of how I thwarted the law with nothing but my trusty clone tool to another druggie friend, and eventually word spread. There aren't many meth-heads with a fine eye for detail and, more importantly, a printer not already sold for meth. So I made my name, and the business opportunities started flooding in. And by "business" I mean "crime," and by "opportunities" I mean methamphetamines.

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I was on my way to becoming the Wolf of 8-Ball Street.

What's the most important thing to you in the world?

No, it's not "friendship." Haha, what are you, a Smurf?

It's your paycheck.

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"Smurf-fucking-tastic."

So it's pretty weird that paychecks are surprisingly easy to fake. There's a simple piece of printing software that small businesses buy, and it already comes with the paper you use to print those checks. So we got the software, nabbed account numbers from real paychecks, and then had something that worked as a free-money slip (for a little while).

IDs are tougher, because they have those little holograms. I managed to beat those by devising an insignia in Photoshop that looked, at least at a glance, slightly shiny and holographic. I'd actually attach it to the plastic laminate, and then put that over the front of the card. Whipping up the actual plastic of the ID card was a little tougher, so I just used the backs of real, expired IDs, and attached my fake one to the front. That's one of the reasons people on the Internet offer to buy your expired IDs.

Note: For the love of our legal defense fees, please do not try this. Or, if you do, tell them you learned it from BuzzFeed.

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Also, send them your eventual mugshot. They'll want it for one of those "Nailed It" collections.

Being able to cash a check is slightly better than just running around with it, proudly waving it in the air. To turn a fake check into real money, you're going to need help from some shady people. Hey, you know where you can find a lot of shady people? The check-cashing industry. Practically every check-cashing business outside of a bank is staffed by at least one poorly groomed criminal. Banks, on the other hand, are staffed by criminals with much better grooming. I had connections in a convenience store that offered payroll-check cashing. We'd go in there with a $500 to $700 check that they'd run through their scanner. They'd ask for ID, which, wouldn't you know it? Got plenty of those. So it runs through the system just fine as long as you don't look too close, and we'd go into the bathroom and leave $200 under the trash can to encourage them not to squint too hard.

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Honestly, it was probably one of the least offensive things done by people in that bathroom.

The payroll method was the most direct way to turn forgeries into cash, but it wasn't the only way. We'd take a small fake personal check to a 7-Eleven and, using the account number, we'd buy a carton of cigarettes. It would run through the machine once, and then it'd be verified in their system. As soon as it was, we'd just look for a store that used the same system, knowing that our phony money was good there. We'd buy a bunch of big-ticket items and sell them to pawn shops for 30 cents on the dollar or, for the sake of efficiency, we'd just straight-up trade them for drugs. Say what you will about them, but drug addicts rival the Germans in terms of sheer efficiency.

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Though, unlike the Germans, it looks like addicts will eventually win their war.

Here's the pettiest forgery I ever committed: You know those books of $1 McDonald's gift cards? If not, congratulations on having awesome birthdays as a child. The rest of us got real familiar with the dollar menu. Anyway, those suckers are incredibly easy to fake. Everyone needs to eat, and surprise! Drug users love shitty fast food. So I'd trade $15 worth of McDonald's for 10 bucks of meth or, and this is slightly less appealing, I'd just get $15 worth of McDonald's.

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Only time will tell which had worse effects on my long-term health.