Please Don't Shove Things Up Your Pee Hole
We have an older guy in our territory with a bit of a meth problem and a bit of a fascination with "sounding" (that's when you shove stuff down your pee hole; good luck unlearning that, suckers). So we get a call for a possible 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hold). We find him sitting in a car, his head back, a peaceful look on his face. What's going on?
"I'm in pain."
"Can I just get in the ambulance?"
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"And maybe take it easy on the speed bumps?"
We get him in, and the story comes out: he'd smoked up, broken his wire-framed glasses, and proceeded to jam them inside his penis. Stop screaming.
It gets better.
He'd done this so often that he had scar tissue blocking his urethra. Doctors had to make a hole at the base of his penis for him to pee out of. So basically, he had a hole straight into his abdominal cavity. He broke those glasses, shoved them down the hole, and, in a stroke of genius, decided to fish them back out with a pair of tweezers ... which also got lost in there.
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"While you're checking, my house keys have been missing for a week. Keep your eyes open for 'em?"
Fighting back laughter, I asked:
"What'd you do with the lenses?"
His answer: "I think they're in my ass."
For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Horrific Things You Learn Preserving Brains for a Living and 5 Things Your Doctor Really Wants to Say to You (But Won't).
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