But it's not only farts that are important -- it's pretty much anything your lower half does. If you've peed, we need to know how much. That's why the orderlies record it. Same with poop, but that can be a little harder. Let's say you have diarrhea, and the nurse records "300" in the computer. What's that mean? 300 milliliters of poop? They crapped their brains out 300 times on the toilet? The shit they took was so bulky it could've been cast in the movie 300? We can't know. And that's why we have to ask. About your poop.
Please still talk to us at parties.
You Can Have the Latest Technology or Experience -- but Not Both
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At my hospital, we've had the da Vinci robot for a few years now, and if you have $2 million to blow on a toy, consider snagging one. If you don't know already, the da Vinci is the magic life-saving machine from Prometheus, only way more rad.
Sky Ridge Medical Center
If the alien makes it out of her chest, I'll blast it with lasers.
It's like virtual reality: you stick your whole head in the console, then first-person-shooter your way through someone's innards. It even blasts your voice through the operating room -- I've heard one surgeon get carried away and shout, "I'm Conan the fucking Barbarian!" That likely does little to calm the fears of passing patients, wondering what kind of swordplay the O.R. has in store for them.
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At least it's not a euphemism for more dick-manhandling.
But it's basically emergent technology. That means people have been using it for a few years at the most. And a key part of determining a procedure's success is experience. With traditional "keyhole" surgeries, you can have decades of practice, but with this robot, you can have one decade, and that's only if you've been using it since the very beginning. So while cutting-edge medical technology is great for progressing the species, it's important to remember that "new" isn't "best" in every situation. So the next time you're discussing your options with a doctor, instead of asking what the newest, most advanced options are, ask them how they'd like to get this done.
And if the answer is "with a broadsword, while wearing a loincloth," breathe a sigh of relief. Dr. Barbarian is a motherfucking artist.
For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Things I Learned Sneaking Over the U.S.-Mexico Border and 7 Things I Learned as an Accomplice to Mass Murder. Do you have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.
It's a tough gig for surgeons, sure, but it turns out it's an even tougher gig for animal celebrities.
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