All of this happened five years ago. The first few months were shaky. I didn't want to climb stairs for fear of stressing my heart. I had to carry around nitroglycerin spray, intended to open up my arteries so the blood would flow better(for a while, I even wore a nitroglycerin patch). I was terrified of being in train stations and airports -- I now know from experience that trying to get someone out of a place like that and to a hospital is a pain in the ass. My "death" was all I wanted to talk about.
"Funny you should ask ..."
But there are upsides, and I mean other than having a ready excuse to not shovel snow out of the driveway or help friends move (and the fact that the story makes a great stand-up routine at the bar).
To all of you YOLO folks out there: It's true. You are going to die. That was the first time it really hit home with me (let's face it, no matter how many times you hear it, deep down we all think we're invincible). And strangely, my fear of death is gone (but trust me, I'm done with tubes).
I laugh at danger, but tremble at straws.
Don't get me wrong: My behavior did change after the attack, just not in the way people wanted me to change it.
I actually did go to the gym -- three times a week, for two years -- but more to build confidence than anything else. And I decided I was done with stress. I got out of a stressful marriage, I tried to fix my failing business, I got away from people for a while and got an apartment by myself. I have a new life rule -- whenever I start to stress out about something, I ask myself: Do I have any control here? Yes? Good, change it. No? Then forget it.
Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
You can't fix traffic jams. Try taking a nap.
It may be stupid to get killed by your vices, but at least a vice gives you some pleasure in return for ruining your health. Getting killed by stress is just nuts -- you're paying with your health for the right to be miserable.
So sure, I'm thankful for every day when I get up in the morning -- all that stuff that people say in situations like this is true. But when it comes down to it, death is just another one of life's experiences. And for me, stressing out of over it would just make it happen sooner.
If you have a story you'd like to tell Cracked, you can reach Robert Evans at this email address.
Related Reading: Interested in more Cracked articles based on personal experiences? Click here for a look into the life of a Dominatrix. We've also talked to an escapee from the Church of Scientology and a survivor of the Troubled Teen industry. And if all that isn't risque enough for you, here's the article we wrote with a legal prostitute.
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