14 Utterly Absurd Legal Defenses That Were Actually Used In Court

Did you f* up in a major way? Well buddy, you've come to the right piece of internet content. For the next few minutes, I'm your lawyer: a nameless, faceless editor of a comedy website. Sounds like I'm not qualified to defend you in court, right? Well, hear me out:

What's your biggest flaw?

Seriously. I'm talking physical attributes, mental and emotional scars. What was your home life like growing up? Terrible? Great? Doesn't matter, I'm sure I've got some kind of excuse for your sh*tty behavior as an adult.

If you're a perfectly healthy rich kid? I hereby diagnose you with “affluenza.” A buxom model? Well, there's certainly no way you were able to squeeze through that tiny hole you're accused of trespassing via, what with all that boob you're hauling. And if you're just some guy? With nothing really going for ya? You can always fake a heart attack during closing arguments.

I'm not saying any of that will work. But I am saying: somebody, somewhere, thought it was worth a shot.