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27 Toys That Were Deeply Terrible Mistakes

By:: Cracked Writers; Brian C. Miller

July 23, 2023

27 Toys That Were Deeply Terrible Mistakes

The sad thing is, not every toy ultimately brings joy to a child. In fact, some toys never should have hit shelves in the first place — a la “Oreo Barbie” or a stripper pole for pre-teens. Anyway, don’t waste anymore time just thinking about it, scroll down and pick the ones that made you shudder the most. After all, some of these toys are really strange…

27

CRACKED.COM OREO BARBIE DIDN'T LAST LONG ON THE SHELVES. Oreo Barbie, born in 1997 from a cross-promotional partnership between Mattel and Nabisco, came in both white and black versions. You can tell every person involved was white because nobody knew that MA Oreo is a derogatory OREO term in the African American community for a black person who is ORE white on the inside. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

26

CRACKED.COM IT'S A STRIPPER POLE! FOR PRETEENS! peekabo Pole Date This toy stripper pole, complete with a garter and money to stuff into it, could be found in 2006 in the British grocery store chain Tesco. They denied the pole was marketed to children, despite the fact that it was exhibited in the - toy section and advertised boo I I as suitable for 11-year-olds. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

25

IN 1989. MATCHBOX CAME OUT WITH A TALKING FREDDY KRUEGER DOLL. Ages 6 and up. MATENBOX The toy was intended A Nightmare for ages 8 and up. ON ELM STREET Hí. From a movie in which THIS happens. IM FREDDY! SEE BACK PANEL Pull the string on his back and he'll say things TALKING FREDDY like, Pleasant dreams! NY ABCC KRUEGER and Let's be friends. CRACKED.COM http://www.amazon.com/Nightmare-Street-Original-Talking-Kreuger/dp/B001BVIYI2 — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

24

GO TO THIRD BASE AND BEYOND. WITH THIS BUZZ LIGHTYEAR FUNTIME TUMBLeR! Commune A NO OR BPA - 430g - - The version that's currently available for sale has the straw on the other side, but reviewers confirm that with a firm twist, you can enjoy Buzz as pictured. CRACKED.COM http://www. amazon.com/Zak-Designs-Lightyear-Funtime-Tumbler/dp/B004B5B26G — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

23

Lucky Dora the Explorer fans could buy this limited edition Aquapet in 2006. Aquapets are similar to Tamagotchis, with buttons for interacting with a virtual pet floating in a tube full of water. They vibrate, sing, and respond to sound. CRACKED.COM http://www.ubergizmo.com/2006/11/dora-aquapet-hits-amazon/ — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

22

CRACKED.COM APRIL O'NEIL WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME. Hey, do you remember that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where April was a streetwalker? Neither do we, but that didn't stop Playmates Toys from releasing this Ravishing Reporter action figure, complete with detachable skirt. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

21

CRACKED.COM THIS TRICYCLE WAS THE MOST OBVIOUS RECALL EVER. The Disney Princess Plastic Racing Trike brings a fantasy kingdom close to your children. So close, in fact, they risk getting it impaled in their little skulls. One sudden stop is all it takes. To no one's surprise, this murdercycle was recalled in 2011. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

20

CRACKED COM BABY PRINCESS DIANA WILL HAUNT YOU. Ashton-Drake Galleries makes creepy realistic baby dolls for adults to treat like real infants. Not disturbing enough for you? How about a replica of a beloved dead princess when she was a baby? — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

19

CRACKED COM WHAT'S CUDDLIER THAN A BABY? A PREMATURE BABY! In a misguided attempt at... well, something, Coleco released preemie Cabbage Patch Kids in the 1980s. The preemies were smaller and had less hair that the regular dolls. Not included were the incubator and tubes required to keep real prematures babies alive, as that could have made them less adorable. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

18

CRACKED COM SPIRIT WAS A JUMBLE OF STEREOTYPES IN THE SHAPE OF AN ACTION FIGURE. Everything about G.I. Joe figure Spirit was a Native American stereotype, starting with his name: Charlie Iron-Knife. His card file described him as a tracker, a shaman, and a mystic warrior. Не also had an American eagle, because we know every Native American is issued one of those. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

17

НИ gerfa DON'T DENY IT. 20 Fahrt sun CRACKED COM elen YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT. on und PLAGUES Berfin Codes, fb befoble áußer ment, de eborgen anbend If anything is ripe to be captured in soft, cuddly animal form, it's surely the Lord's mighty wrath being visited upon Pharaoh and his people. Now your child can enjoy locusts, boils, dead firstborns, and other such fun! — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

16

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo I JANES Binks JUI ART adidas COMM I PISODE WARS STAR dom I ORIGINAL We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

15

THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/ — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

14

HAVE YOU eveR FELT THE URGE TO Re-eNACT THE MARSH MELON SCeNe, FROM STAR TREK V? Then this marshmallow dispenser is for you. It's got everything you'll need, right down to the camping fork and spoon for eating McCoy beans. Or a bowl of termites. CRACKED COM http://www.apieceoftheaction.net/2010/06/star-trek-potpourri-spotlight.html — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

13

THE SNOOPY G PLUCE SOKY AM AAA THE ORIGINAL Snoopy SNO-CONE Sno-cone Machine MACHINE MAKE A SNOOPY TASTY TREAT CONTAINS A WITH ICE CUBES & FLAVOR PACK! LOOSE BRASS RIVET WARNING: CHOCKNG - NET WT 50 OZ (4.77g) THAT CAN CAUTION 400 NCOM HAPPINE them - - DROP INTO THE SNOW CONES. It's been recalled. GRACKED.COM http://www toysnusinc com/safety/recalls/snoopy-sno-cone-machine/ — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

12

YOU CAN COLOR IN BARON HARKONNEN'S WEEPING PUSTULES IN THIS DUNE-THEMED ACTIVITY BOOK FOR KIDS. DUNE ACTIVITY BOOK I - - - - Dune was a trippy sci-fi drama about space drugs, complicated galactic political intrigues and Sting in his underwear. CRACKED.COM http://oihouse.net/2011/03/franchised-goodies-for-the-children-of-dune/ — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

11

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

10

CRACKED.COM Easy Bake STATO FINGERS ARE EASY TO BURN WITH THE 18/88 EASY-BAKE. For decades, the Easy-Bake Oven has allowed countless children to bake delicious, diabetes- inducing treats. And fingers. In 2007, the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a huge recall after dozens of incidents of burned fingers, including some second-and third-degree burns. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

9

CRACKED.COM BRATZ BABYZ SHOW YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO BE A MINX. - in These dolls went through the whole process of being conceived, designed, pitched, approved, manufactured, and distributed, and apparently no one along the line thought of saying, You know, maybe we really shouldn't sexualize babies. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

8

AMAZONIA BARBIE WOULD FEEL LOST IN THE ACTUAL AMAZON. You'd have to travel the Amazon for years to find the one person Amazonia Barbie was inspired by, and it'd probably be some tourist deluded that they' 're blending with the local culture. From the feathers atop her hair to her tribal tattoos, this Barbie looks conceived by people who think that South America is some mythical land. CRACKED COM — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

7

CRACKED G COM YOU CAN GO HIKING WITH KARL MARX AND HIS FRIENDS! MOUNTAIN RESEARCH Japanese toy maker Mountain Research released a foursome of surveyors modeled after Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong, and Henry David Thoreau. There's no indication as to why two Communist dictators, the philosopher who inspired them, and an unrelated poet guy are hiking mountain trails. — Source: These 18 Ill-Conceived Toys Are An Embarrassment To Humanity

6

CRACKED COM GOD JESUS WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS! GOD JESUS - SWOK - - Sorry you had to find out this way, but the deity many of you pray to is a Japanese robot made by Bandai in the '80s. It works like some kind of divine Magic 8-Ball, though, SO you can rest assured your existential questions will all be answered. — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

5

27 Toys That Were Deeply Terrible Mistakes — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

4

MACFARLANE STUDIOS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THE RELEASE OF A NEW SERIES OF WALKING DEAD ACTION FIGURES. Included: Mud Walker, Carl Grimes, Michonne and Gareth. The Mud Walker figure splits in half so you can mount his upper body on the base with a flash flood sign, SO it emerges from the mud. The Gareth figure comes with a rotting human carcass. CRACKED.COM http://comicbook.com/2014/09/1 12/the-walking-dead-tv-series-7-action-figures-announced/ — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

3

27 Toys That Were Deeply Terrible Mistakes — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

2

UP MY SKIRT, YOU MUST LOOK, TO SEE YOUR FUTURE. Ages 4 and up No. 69370 STAR THE EMPIRE YODA STRIKES BACK THE JEDI MASTER. WARS Kenner CERTAIN - CANNOT BE HE ANSWERS ALL YOUR Kenner QUESTIONS! - - - - -- - يت It's the Yoda Magic 8-Ball, complete with mangled grammar. We assume the most-asked question is why? CRACKED.COM http://www.dallasvintagetoys.com/1981kennerstarwarsesbyodamagic8balfortunetellerwbox.aspx — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

1

THE VERMONT TEDDY BeAR COMPANY SELLS A FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TEDDY BeAR. Actual text from the website: Want to leave her biting her lip with excitement? Send a gift that will dominate the rest. It comes with a mask and handcuffs. CRACKED.COM http://www.vermontteddybear.com/seligroup/fifty-shades-of-grey-bear.aspx? — Source: 20 Real Official Merchandise Items No One Thought Through

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