Cracked VS: Batman vs. Predator

A guy with traumas vs. an alien traumatizer. Who will win?
Cracked VS: Batman vs. Predator

One is a masked, muscle-bound power fantasy. The other… uh… sorry, we forgot which one we were talking about. Doesn’t matter, though -- the important thing is seeing them duke it out. Huh? Plot? What does plot have to do with this? They’ll punch each other, and that’s what we’re here for. Pfft, “plot.”

IT'S A BATTLE OF POLITICAL OUTLOOKS. Batman is the ultimate example of rugged individualism, using his wealth to lead a one-man crusade against crime. Predators are likely to be sponsored by their government, seeing as how hunting is a big part of their culture. CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE.
Round 1 OUTRIGHT VIOLENCE Predators prefer their prey to be as deadly as possible. Batman famously refuses to kill. IT'S A STALEMATE. Other ways will be needed to decide a winner
Round 4 SHARP EDGES Yes, Predators have some nasty- looking blades. But Batman grows edgier and edgier with every passing movie. No alien metal can match that. BATMAN WINS!
Round 5 BOMBS Predators have bombs strapped to their goddamn wrists, and are sometimes blown up by them. Batman has been known to have trouble getting rid of some bomb, but usually succeeds. BATMAN WINS!
Round 6 BLOOD Batman knows that fighting powerful aliens requires a blood-based approach. So he inquires whether they bleed because if they do, they can be killed. And Predators do bleed. (Batman bleeds too, but that's, uh, badass bleeding.) BATMAN WINS!
MASKS OFF Without his mask, Batman is handsome playboy Bruce Wayne. A maskless Predator is, famously, one ugly motherf-r. Attractive people have it much easier in society, therefore... BATMAN WINS!
Round 8 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Batman has defeated a character played by Schwarzenegger. A character played by Schwarzenegger has defeated a Predator. By transitive property, Batman has defeated a Predator. BATMAN WINS!
Round 9 FANDOM Batman has an unmatched advantage: If his fans don't like the outcome, they'll loudly demand a rematch, and won't shut up until they get their way. Whoever wins, #BATMANWINS
Final Ruling BATMAN KICKS PREDATOR BUTT. Violence STALEMATE Rotten Tomatoes VOID Box Office Sharp Edges Bombs Blood Masks Off Arnold Schwarzenegger Fandom Do Predators even have a butt? Well, if they do, it's thoroughly bat-kicked.
Scroll down for the next article

Must Read

VIRAL ON CRACKED

A WEEKLY
NEWSLETTER OF
JOKES + TRIVIA

Forgot Password?