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25 War Facts That Are Impossibly Dumb

By:: Brian C. Miller; Cracked Writers

August 01, 2021

25 War Facts That Are Impossibly Dumb

For how frequently terrible war can be, you'd be shocked how frequently the Benny Hill theme feels like the most appropriate background music. From battles started over wounded egos to soldiers shooting their own generals, here are some of the dumbest things we've learned about war.

25

The War of Jenkins' Ear CRACKED.COM In 1731, British navy captain Robert Jenkins' ship was attacked by Spaniards, who cut off his ear for... some reason. Eight years later, Britain held a Parliamentary hearing about the incident, parading out his gross, shriveled ear as evidence. This was simply flimsy pretext to launch a war that would kill half a million people. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

24

GUAM DIDN'T GET AN INVITE TO THE WAR 1898 CRACKEDO COM During the Spanish-American War, Spain never told Guam there was a conflict. When the USS Charleston arrived at their shores and fired 13 shots, Guam's response was to send a lone Spanish officer to meet the warship and thank them for the kind salute. They then asked the Americans if they could borrow some gunpowder to launch their own salute, as they were fresh out. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

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23

40 years of war over a horse race TFE CRACKED.COM In the year 568, two Arabian tribes went to war after an unbeatable horse named Dahis was scared off the track, mid-race, by opposing warriors. Dahis was, unfortunately, owned by a King, who declared war after his bet was ruined. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

22

AUSTRALIA LOSES THE WAR ON EMUS 1932 CRACKED.COM In post-WWI Australia, 000 emus were flattening and eating wheat crops grown on the land of former soldiers. The Australian military was called in to help eradicate the birds, with fully automatic machine guns. In 6 days the army went through a quarter of their allotted ammunition to kill only 200 birds, and the war was cancelled by the end of the month Right now 700,00 emus are running around Australia. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

21

The War of the Stray Dog CRACKED.COM In 1925, a Greek soldier's dog escaped and crossed the Bulgarian border. A guard shot the soldier when he, too, crossed the border to retrieve it. Greece invaded Bulgaria, killing 50 soldiers, before the League of Nations stepped in and cooled things off. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

20

AMERICA FIGHTS NO ONE, STILL LOSES 1943 CRACKED.com When a Japanese force took control of the island of Kiska, Alaska, with 500 men, the U.S. decided to send in 55,000 to reclaim it. Despite all evidence that the Japanese had left the island abandoned for weeks, U.S. troops swooped in and managed to lose 122 men by friendly fire, mines, and just straight up vanishing into the forest. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

19

Hitler's War of the Worlds kicks off WWII CRACKED.COM The day before WWII officially kicked off, Hitler had a German radio station false-flagged in order to whip up support for the war. A Polish farmer was kidnapped, dressed as a soldier, shot in the head, and left in front of the station as evidence. SS officer Alfred Naujocks then took over the German radio station, and transmitted the message The broadcasting station is in Polish hands! before cutting the transmission. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

18

BRITISH TROOPS LOWER THEIR DEFENSES TO WATCH BALL GAME 1761 CRACKEDO COM A neighboring Natvie AmericanTribe lulled the Brits into a false sense of security for years by playing games of lacrosse outside Fort Michilimackinac. One day, when most of the British soldiers were outside to view the game, a ball soared over the walls of the fort and a few members of the tribe went to get it through the open gates. Soon, the whole tribe was behind the walls, stocked up on weapons, and began slaughtering the people inside. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

17

A clumsy camel sparked 40 years of war CRACKED.COM The Al-Basus War kicked off in the year 494, when a hapless camel wandered into a different herd, belonging to a rival tribe. When the owner of that herd killed the camel, thinking it was his own, the original owner responded by killing the rival tribe's chief. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

16

RUSSIAN EQUIVALENT OF A HORSE-GIRL LEADS TO THE DEATH OF OVER HALF A MILLION TROOPS 1942 CRACKED.co Despite his shaky track record during WWII, Semyon Budyonny was named commander-in-chief of Southwestern and Southern Fronts in Ukraine under Joseph Stalin. Stuck in the mindset of a WWI officer, Budyonny believed the might of a soldier on horseback was all the Soviets needed to secure victory, and so he led a charge against the Germans - and their tanks. 665,000 Soviet men were slaughtered, giving Hitler his greatest military victory ever. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

15

Macedonia murders civilians to impress the US CRACKED.COM Six months after 9/11, Interior Minister Ljube Boskovski came up with an elaborate, bloody screenplay in hopes of joining the War on Terror. He had a group of migrants rounded up, handed guns, and dumped out of a van. An unwitting special police unit was then notified of the group of terrorists, and rushed to mercilessly massacre them. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

14

JAPAN BUILDS BATTLESHIP FLOODS THEIR OWN CITY 1940 CRACKED.COM Japan was determined to outgun us on every front, even before their war with the U.S. began. This led to them building a battleship, Musashi, twice the size of our formidable Iowa. When they finally launched this behemoth, the water displacement was SO massive that a 4-foot-high tidal wave flooded Nagasaki. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

13

Prime Minister edits a memo, starts a war CRACKED.COM In 1870, Otto Von Bismarck published a memo from French ambassador Count Vincent Benedetti. OVB, however, edited out all the pleasantries, which made it read like a personal insult. Tensions rose, and France declared war on Prussia a week later. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

12

BRITISH SINK THEIR OWN WARSHIP DURING A SHOWCASE 1892 CRACKEDG COM In an attempt to show off the aquatic mastery of the British fleet, Vice Admiral George Tryon concocted a plan to have two fleets of warships synchronize a turnabout in the water; this wasn't a complicated maneuver, but Tryon got his math wrong and the two lead ships, the Victoria and the Camperdown, collided, causing the Victoria to sink. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

11

ITALIAN COMMANDER IGNORES WWII FOR MUSIC 1940 Gen. Soddu Out as Chief A n of Italy's Albanian Army it CRACKED.COM Italian General Ubaldo Soddu had a bigger appetite for pasta than war; for his entire 4 week career as General, Soddu would retire to his tent early to compose music for imaginary movies while a World War raged on outside. The defeats under General Soddu led Mussolini to call on Hitler for support, delaying the German invasion of Russia, which ultimately ended with a victory for the Allies. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

10

The Pastry War CRACKED.COM In 1838, a French baker living in Mexico had his pastry shop damaged by Mexican soldiers. The owner got French King Louis-Phillipe to demand repayment; when Mexico refused, the French navy blockaded the entire Gulf coast, leading Mexico to declare war. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

9

AN ILL-TIMED SIESTA LEADS TO MEXICO LOSING TEXAS 1836 CRACKED COM Riding high off his victory at the Alamo (remember that?), Mexican General Santa Anna believed he was untouchable by the Americans. In San Jacinto, as the larger Mexican army napped, a single rank of the Texan army snuck up and found no guards were even posted to keep watch. The Texans overran the camp and won in 18 minutes. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

8

The Great Guano War CRACKED.COM Spain and Peru got into an international kerfuffle after a local brawl injured a few Spaniards. The Spanish navy took over a series of Peruvian islands that produced 60% of their national income, via collection and refinement of guano — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

7

HISTORY'S MOST FAMOUS GENERAL IS KILLED BY HIS OWN MEN 1863 CRACKED.co COM Thomas Stonewall Jackson was a legendary Confederate general during the Civil War, known for his balls-to-the-wall style of overwhelming the enemy, which ultimately was his downfall. As Stonewall Jackson was riding back to his encampment from behind enemy lines, his own men mistook him as a Union soldier and pumped him full of lead. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

6

Cod of War CRACKED.COM In 1958, Iceland began expanding their oceanic borders in order to gain a monopoly on cod fishing. First it was 4 miles offshore, then 12, then ultimately 200 miles. Britain wasn't having any of that, and led their gigantic navy to violently bully Iceland into relaxing their borders. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

5

AMERICAN TROOPS FIGHT EACH OTHER AND GIVE UP 1812 CRACKED.co COM During the War of 1812, the British led a nighttime ambush in Stoney Creek. American General John Chandler rode into the melee, was knocked off his horse, and woke up soon after confused. Chandler ran to the artillery emplacement to rally his troops, but found only British soldiers. His second in command rushed in and was similarly captured. American troops fought each other and retreated, leaving the British as the victors. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

4

A local mayor declares war on France CRACKED.COM When a Spanish king was insulted by some French folks in 1883, a small-town Spanish mayor declared war on all of France. The declaration remained in effect for over 100 years, until a modern Spanish king visited the French town, kissed some babies, and negotiated a peace. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

3

ZANZIBAR GOES TO WAR WITH BRITAIN FOR 40 MINUTES 1896 CRACKEDO After the Sultan of Zanzibar suddenly died (or was murdered), his second son seized the throne, in defiance of their treaty with Britain. 5 British Navy battleships pulled up to their shores and demanded the pretender step down by 9am, August 27. The Sultan fortified his palace with hilariously outdated, 17th century cannons, but the British kept their word and at 9am the palace was shelled for 40 minutes, killing 500 and forcing the Sultan to flee. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

2

The Flagstaff War CRACKED.COM Natives in the New Zealand town of Kororareka didn't take kindly to British troops raising their flag there. Chief Hona Heke chopped down the flagpole, then three more that replaced it. When the fourth was erected, Heke led a bloody rebellion that kicked off a 10-month war. — Source: 12 Petty, Trivial, Or Downright Dumb Reasons War Was Declared

1

ITALY FALLS FOR THE TROJAN HEARSE 860 A.D. CRACKED.COM Viking chieftain Hastein wanted to take on the Italian port city of Luna, but the defenses looked too formidable for a straight on attack. The vikings devised a plan and told the people of Luna that Hastein had died, but not before he converted to Christianity, requesting a Christian burial within the city. During this false-funeral, Hastein popped out of his coffin, killed the presiding Bishop, and sacked the city. — Source: 13 Embarrassing Military Blunders From History

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