Cracked News: 15 Thoroughly Unimportant Bulletins

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Cracked News: 15 Thoroughly Unimportant Bulletins

New York Times readers were in for a rude awakening this morning when they opened up the paper to find that half of the front page was taken up by a very important-looking bulletin. "BREAKING: Trump to Visit New York City!" the headline blared, with a quote from the President himself declaring that he was "looking forward to it." But upon closer examination, it quickly became clear that this "breaking news" was anything but. In fact, it was just a boilerplate announcement of an upcoming event that everyone already knew about. Worse still, it was buried beneath several other less important bulletins, including one about a celebrity's travel plans and another about an upcoming sale at a local store. All told, it was a disappointing start to the day for New York Times readers - and yet another reminder that there's always something more important happening somewhere else.

Most of us only check email when we're expecting an important message. But what about all the other emails in our inbox? They can easily become overwhelming and distracting. This week, try tackling your less important messages first so you can focus on the important ones. That way, you'll be able to better manage your time and get things done!

Cracked News Facebook is constructing a new solar-powered data center in Phoenix. They're worried the planet might die before they have a chance to conquer it. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News A case of Ebola virus has been reported on the Ivory Coast. Let's see who doesn't want THAT vaccine. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News 27 people about a Carnival cruise ship have tested positive for COVID-19. I told them it was too early to start doing their famous Bat Eating Contests! CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News A 29-year-old man was charged with trespassing after riding on a school bus full of high school students. SCHOOL BUS STOP The students are fine. The man's f-esteem, however, may never recover CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News A murder suspect was released this week after police revealed they'd lost 8 terabytes of data evidence. Talk about needing backup. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News Scientists say the asteroid Bennu has gone from a 2700 to a 1/1750 chance of hitting us this century. Which is great, because I really wanted my last moments to be doing math. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News A man is accused of stealing millions from a medical nonprofit and spending it on adult websites. Which means police found the last guy who doesn't know about PornHub. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News Over 40% of voters in the 2020 election voted by mail, a federal report shows. Showing that 60% of the country would still go to the hospital rather than pass up a free sticker. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News Arkansas has hit a new record for COVID hospitalizations right before students head back to school. Which is like hitting a new record for shark attacks right before surf's up. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News There's been an outbreak of COVID-19 tied to a 3-day country music festival. Which about as surprising as there being an outbreak of HPV tied to a Chainsmokers concert. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News US weather officials have announced that July 2021 was the hottest month ever recorded. 20 30 10 20 10 An achievement it's expected to hold until at least the end of August 2021. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News The Louisiana school board is seeking federal permission to not issue letter grades this year. No grades! said the superintendent. Don't blow this! he added, punching the bottom of his trenchcoat. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News New Jersey just set a record for internet gambling with $118M throughout July. Condolences to New Jersey residents, who just set of a record $118M in internet gambling losses. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News The Atlanta Falcons are the first NFL team to have 100% of their player's vaccinated. Now, if their players are going to go to the hospital, at least it'll be from something that looked really cool. CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

Cracked News A former FDA chief is pushing for the agency to work more independently from the government. Asked to elaborate, he said, YOU wanna work with those mother#' ^$&ers? CRACKED.COM

Source: AP

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