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Pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er— trivia, that is

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The Funniest Charlie Murphy Jokes and Moments for the Comedy Hall of Fame

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John Goodman’s Guest Appearances in ‘Community,’ Ranked

‘Community’ gave us the gift of John Goodman in several episodes, and we were better for it

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Ever snapped at your mom on live TV?

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16 Ancient Animals That Make Us Glad They’re Extinct

By:: JhallComics

August 09, 2021

16 Ancient Animals That Make Us Glad They’re Extinct

In the 4.5 billion years Earth has been around, it's been host to some truly awful beasts. From the enormous snake-like whale that ate sharks, to the tiny walking worm covered in spikes, nature is truly the worst.

16

ARTHROPLEURA Dead for 305 million years. 8.5'LONG CRACKED The Carboniferous Period led to the rise of immense bugs when there was a greater amount of oxygen in the atmosphere, and none were more unsettling than the giant centipede. The 'armor' wasn't meant to help defend it from predators, on account of it being at the top of the food chain. — Source: March Onto Land: The Silurian Period to the Middle Triassic Epoch

15

QUETZALCOATLUS Dead for 65 million years. 36'WINGSPAN, 550 LBS CRACKED .COM This giraffe-sized flying dinosaur was SO big that, even with hollow bones, scientists are unsure if it could actually take flight. We're not sure which is worse, a pterodactyl with wings the length of a city bus flying towards you, or one galloping at you with its 8' beak wide open. — Source: BBC Earth

14

BASILOSAURUS Dead for 34 million years. 70', 132,000 LBS CRACKED.COM Although it looked as much like a sea monster that ate ships whole as any fantasy ocean dragon, the King Lizard was actually a whale. During its time, Basilosaurus was the top predator in the ocean, eating sharks and other whales with its large, serrated teeth. — Source: Scientific American

13

JAEKELOPTERUS Dead for 251 million years. 8'LONG CRACKED.COM Not content to swim the vast oceans, the largest of the so-called Sea Scorpions decided to lurk in smaller bodies of water such as rivers and lakes, like dead-eyed, armored brown bears. By the way, they were the size of brown bears. — Source: National Park Service

12

TITANOBOA Dead for 56 million years. 45', 2500 LBS GRACKED. .COM After the extinction of the dinosaurs, a new heavyweight slithered out of Hell to coil around its throne - in the form of a gigantic, 1.25 ton snake. Constrictors like the anaconda can manage to take down and swallow much larger prey, which would mean few creatures would have been off Titanoboa's menu. — Source: Wired

11

ARCTODUS Dead for 11,000 years. 11.4;2,204 LBS CRACKED.COM The enormous Short Faced Bear was alive so recently it could have interrupted a Puebloian from basket-weaving in what is now New Mexico. Although similar to today's large bears, there is a noticeable difference: the long limbs that enabled it to run at 40 mph. — Source: National Geographic

10

BRONTORNIS Dead for 1.8 million years. 10', 000 LBS GRACKED.COM Colloquially named 'Terror Birds' for a reason, brontornis belongs to a genus of enormous, flightless birds that roamed South America. These giant raptors used their beaks like a cudgel, swinging the head at the end of their long necks down like an axe to wound and tear apart prey. — Source: BBC

9

PLATYBELODON Dead for 5 million years. 20'LONG,9,000 LBS CRACKED.com Too lazy to use a trunk to bring food to its mouth, so it brought its mouth to the food. Platybelodons were early ancestors of elephants with fused lower tusks that acted either like a shovel or a saw, but definitely made them look like demonic platypus-hippos. — Source: NPR

8

DEINOSUCHUS Dead for 82 million years. 40', 14,330 LBS CRACKED.COM Crocodiles haven't changed much for millions of years, except in one key area: they are no longer the size of school busses. Nature's Perfect Killing Machine was powerful enough to feast on the lizard king himself, Tyrannosaurus Rex. — Source: American Museum of Natural History

7

DAEODON Dead for 16 million years. 6.5', 2000 LBS CRACKED.COM With slender legs for galloping and jaws for crushing bone, the aptly named 'Terminator Pig' stood eye-to-eye with your average NBA player. It's commonly categorized as an omnivore and opportunistic scavenger rather than an apex predator, but it was probably more dangerous than it's smaller, modern cousin the hippo. — Source: Scientific American

6

GIGANTOPITHECUS Dead for 300,000 years. 10', 1, 100 LBS CRACKED.COM The only thing that could stop this 10' tall Orangutan from taking over the world was its own picky eating habits. When the changing landscape of Southern China transformed a lush jungle into a savannah, Gigantopithecus: simply looked at the grass and roots on his plate and said no thank you. — Source: Live Science

5

LIVYATAN Dead for 13 million years. 57', 100, 000 LBS CRACKED.COM A literal leviathan, Livyatan melvillei was an apex predator with teeth the size of artillery shells. Unlike the similarly robust Sperm Whale which feeds by sucking in water and all the organisms that come with it, Livyatan used those foot long teeth to chomp down on other whales as a food source. — Source: New York Times

4

MEGANEURA Dead for 250 million years. 2.5'WINGSPAN CRACKED.COM The name Meganeura means large nerved, in reference to the veins in the insect's wings, which absolutely sucks. If you were a small amphibian during the Carboniferous Period finally getting the courage to walk on land, that last thing you would ever hear would be the beating of those disgusting, veiny wings. — Source: Nature

3

THERIZINOSAURUS Dead for 65 million years. 33', 6,600 LBS CRACKED.COM The Cretaceous period was a dangerous time to be alive, so even herbivores had to arm themselves against the T-Rex. Therizinosaurus had an interesting idea and developed the largest claws of any living being. A gentle giant, perhaps? We're not taking that chance. — Source: National Geographic

2

HALLUCIGENIA Dead for 488 million years. 2LONG CRACKED.COM It put those legs to good use and walked right into our nightmares. This small ocean dweller's fossilized remains baffled scientists so much they had a hard time finding its head from its ass. A half-billion years separate this cactus-spiked tapeworm from modern man, but it still doesn't seem like enough. — Source: BBC

1

MEGALODON Dead for 3.6 million years. 67,132,000 LBS CRACKED.COM Megalodon was not only one of the biggest fish ever but one of the largest predators to terrorize the planet. The only natural predator to today's Great White shark (besides humans) are Killer Whales, but during the Miocene era not even whales were safe from the megalodon's 11' wide jaws. — Source: Science Magazine

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