Reading the news? Why not pay a large man to hit you in the face with a shovel! Instead, let us read the news and condense it into pithy oversimplifications!

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP

Source: AP