Why Won't Americans Drink Tea?

Americans love waking up to gulp down as much jitter juice as they can get their hands on. But why is the only cold brew we like from a bean and not a leaf?

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Your brain is like a houseplant, and we don’t mean that as a put-down (except for you, Kevin). We mean it in the sense that if you don’t nurture it, it will dry out and wither (just like Kevin’s). That’s why we have prepared this fertilizer which, as is often the case, is made out of shit -- random shit. Let your brain roots absorb this stuff, and the neurons inside your skull will grow big and strong (just like the hate everyone named Kevin feels for us right now).

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