5 Incredibly Screwed-Up Acts By Beloved Celebrities

HBO documentary On the Record summed up the parade of accusations. But it was released in May, when we were all in the middle of dealing with a lot of other shit, so let's recap the basics. Thirteen women have accused Simmons of sexual assault or rape, several of whom were underage at the time. The details are lengthy and depressing but, as a cherry on top (an analogy we use under the assumption that you hate cherries), when Terry Crews told the story of being groped by Hollywood executive Adam Venit, Simmons emailed Crews to ask him to "give [Venit] a pass." He added that "With great love, all things are possible." Gee, why could Simmons have been encouraging immediate forgiveness? And if great love makes all things possible, why did Simmons relocate to extradition-treaty-lacking Indonesia?

At least when the documentary came out, the truth could finally be heard... after 50 Cent attacked it for not being about a white sex offender instead. Several of the interview subjects did note that they wanted to bring Simmons to justice without reinforcing the awful stereotype of black men as sex-driven predators that's fueled horrific violence against them in America since, well, the founding of the country, basically. But 50 is also pals with Simmons, and he mocked Crews' accusations against Venit, so maybe he's just an asshole. Don't worry, guy who faced a domestic violence charge and made fun of an autistic teenager in an airport, there are plenty of documentaries to go around.

First and foremost is Joe Son, whose portrayal of Random Task had audiences saying "Okay, I get it, it's an Odd Job parody, we can move on now." While Son had a few other acting roles, he was better known for his wrestling and MMA career, and is now best known for his torture conviction. On Christmas Eve 1990, Son and another man kidnapped a woman and performed a variety of acts too depressing to detail on a comedy site. He was caught in 2008 after a conviction for vandalism required him to provide a DNA sample that linked him to the case. Then, in 2011, he performed further work on his villainous Bingo card by beating his cellmate to death. So he's serving a life sentence, and the best thing you can say about seeing him onscreen today is that the part where he gets knocked unconscious now has a grim sense of satisfaction to it.

And he's not the only Austin Powers actor with a sketchy background ...

This happened in Georgia at a time when the state's age of consent was still 14 (way to fight those southern stereotypes, Georgia!), although the legal age for filming those particular activities was 18. But never mind the illegality and general moral squickiness -- this incident, alongside a less immoral if still aesthetically disquieting Lowe sex tape -- were used to mock Lowe before becoming obstacles he could heroically overcome, and even make fun of himself, on his return to Hollywood mediocrity. A flattering 1990 People profile talks about the friends who came to Lowe's defense while shaming the 16-year-old's mother for exploiting her child in a "shakedown," aka a lawsuit.

But Lowe ends the interview by talking about how he wants to become a better man, and in 2019 he said the incident inspired him to sober up and get his life together. And indeed he did. Except in 2008, when two nannies employed by Lowe sued him, with one accusing him of groping her and exposing himself and the other claiming his wife created an "extremely sexually offensive and hostile work environment" by strolling around naked, asking personal questions about the nanny's love life, and opining on her own sex life with Rob.

The Lowes filed their own suits and, after both parties had to deal with a lot of sleazy tabloid nonsense, the whole legal battle was dismissed by mutual agreement. Whichever side you believe, these are kind of moral quagmires we must wade through to support a talent like Lowe's that makes even his staunchest critics say "Oh, he's still around? And hosting a game show called, uh, Mental Samurai? Never heard of it, but good for him, I guess."

But in 2013 Carey remembered an earlier life lesson, "I like money," and accepted a million dollars to perform at an event featuring Jose Eduardo dos Santos, who ran Angola as an abusive kleptocratic playground between 1979 and 2017. He fills out a dictator checklist nicely: oppressing his opposition, amassing a vast personal wealth while most of his subjects had to scrape by on less than two dollars a day, creating a network of kickbacks and grift. To be fair, the real fan at the show was his daughter, Isabel, who became Africa's first female billionaire ... thanks entirely to nepotism and theft. Way to support girl power, Mariah!

Okay, but that time, Carey definitely super-duper learned her lesson. Until 2019, when she performed in Saudi Arabia just three months after Jamal Khashoggi had been murdered by the Saudi government. It also wasn't a suuuper great look for a singer beloved by the LGBT community to perform in a country where being gay can get you flogged and jailed. Carey is going to have to release a lot more charity singles at this rate, especially since the first one was never actually released. Oopsies! But maybe the third time's the charm, and Mariah Carey will finally step back and take a long, hard look at her decisions. Or just focus on dealing with the lawsuit from her personal assistant that claims Carey stood by while her manager sexually assaulted the assistant, called her various slurs, and urinated on her. You know, one or the other.

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a new book.