17 Dangerous Creatures You’d Feel Honored to Be Devoured By Because They’re Badass
The two creatures responsible for the most human deaths per year are pathetic. Around a million people are killed by mosquitoes every year, and about another half-million are killed by other people.
That’s really crappy. Dying from a mosquito, or at the hands of another mere human, is just nowhere near how we should be dying. Getting devoured by a magnificent beast: that’s the shit. That’s how everyone wants to go, right? You get to about 85, then you save a millionaire’s baby from a shark in full public view, then the shark eats you. You die amazingly, the world knows you ruled and the millionaire hopefully helps your kids out. Absolutely flawless.
“Bitten by mosquitoes and got sick”? “Stabbed by a person who didn’t like you”? Dreadful. Head eaten by a bear completely fucking out of the blue, in a place nobody even expected a bear to be? Cool as shit.
A lot of the animals on a list of the 24 most deadly creatures on earth would suck so much ass to be killed by: mosquitoes, humans, tsetse flies, assassin bugs, freshwater snails, ascaris roundworms and tapeworms all make the top 10 and would all be enormously disappointed to be killed by.
But of the remaining ones, exactly how special or honored would each one make you feel as it slowly drained the life from your body? It’s worth thinking these things through.
Alligators: Just One Lucky Devouree a Year
Most years, only one person is killed by an alligator. That’s got to feel pretty special, right? Like winning a scratch-off.
Sharks: A Classic for a Reason
Five people per year are eaten by sharks. It would be more if it was legal to leave your body to sharks, because everyone would do that, because that’s awesome. Die, sawn into chunks and flung to the Great Whites.
Wolves: Ready to Eat You Nooooooooooooooowwwwww
Ten people per year are killed by wolves. Yes! That’s a great way to go — taken down in the moonlight, drained of blood by a glorious wolf, gnawing on your throat and entrails like you both won a contest. Hot.
Horses: That’s Neigh Way to Go
Horses kill 20 people a year. They’re beautiful creatures, but if you’re killed by a horse — not a monstrous horse or anything cool like that, just a horse — you must feel at least slightly like an asshole.
Leopards: Not a Bad Spot to Go In
Leopards kill 29 people annually, and hopefully the final thought of all of those people is, “Well, at least I got to meet a leopard. They’re very pretty.” You know, rather than, “Ow, ow, ow, my limbs and organs.”
Ants: Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Biting Insect Death Machiney
Thirty people are killed by ants annually, generally fire ants. Being killed by them only really seems badass if they eat you down to the bone. Otherwise you’re kind of dying from an allergy to a teeny-tiny insect, which sucks.
Jellyfish: Here’s Lookin’ at You, Squid
Around 40 people a year are killed by jellyfish stings. If you get out and people try in vain to treat it, you run the risk of people saying of you, “He died as he lived — covered in piss.”
Bees: More Like Effs!
Fifty-three people across the world die every year from bee stings. That, honestly, sucks — we’ve all seen My Girl. The bees don’t get anything out of it, and even if you survive a savage bee attack, those aren’t cool scars.
Deer: Oh Deer Oh Deer Oh Deer
One hundred and thirty people are killed by deer every year, which makes them sound more impressive than they are — presumably in a lot of those cases a car has been involved and the deer’s not exactly sprinting home in victory afterwards.
Buffalo: You Can Catch Your Blood in a Bison
Two hundred people are killed by African Cape Buffalos every year, often hunters rushed from behind. Feels like, if you got gored by one and were bleeding out, your last words would be, “Tell people I got eaten by a lion.”
Lions: King of the Jungle, A Pleasure to Be Eaten By
Every year, 250 people are eaten by lions. Imagine seeing on Facebook a guy you went to school with was eaten by a lion. He would soar in your estimation. Even if he sucked, “eaten by a lion.” It’s something.
Elephant: They’ll Never Forget Crushing Your Bones Beneath Their Feet
Elephants kill 500 people a year, usually by charging. They’re deeply intelligent and sensitive so one deciding to kill you is like the bit in a movie where a retired badass comes back for one last job: trampling a tourist.
Hippos: Big Fat Harbingers of Blunt-Force Trauma
Five hundred people annually are killed by hippopotamuses. They’re an animal you think of as slow and sleepy, then you see one in real life, each of its teeth outweighs you and you realize it could crush your bones to dust.
Crocodiles: Lean, Mean and Green
A thousand people are eaten by crocodiles annually: an elite group. Being eaten by crocodiles is awesome — it’s what happens to the baddies in most childhood games, and if it’s good enough for Mola Ram, it’s good enough for you.
Scorpions: You’ve Heard the Band, Now Get Killed by the Creature!
3,250 people are killed annually by scorpions. The two deadly types are the Israeli deathstalker and the Brazilian yellow scorpion. The Israeli deathstalker is clearly the one you want to get killed by, because it sounds metal as fuck.
Dogs: Sit, Stay, Kill, Devour, Repeat
Twenty-five thousand people per year are killed by dogs. This can go either way. Being eaten by a pack of German shepherds outside a mysterious castle rules, but a poodle devouring your face while you nap? That stinks.
Snakes: So Scary You’ll Hiss Yourself
Snakes kill about 50,000 people a year, in multiple ways — they can infect you with venom, squish you dead, bite you in a non-venomous way where you just bleed heavily and, if you lay still enough, eat your head.