15 Things You Could Technically Eat in a Pinch

15 Things You Could Technically Eat in a Pinch

The world is unpredictable. Turn on the news any day and some new fuckin’ thing’s going on that’s all crazy, someone you always thought was great has turned out to be a major asshole and a place you never heard of exploded.

Emergencies of all kinds lurk around the corner, and most of us aren’t equipped to deal with them. What can you do if everything goes to hell and you find yourself trapped at home without any food?

You could… eat… stuff… from your house? Like, not in a surreal kind of way where you just munch into bricks, but there might well be stuff lying around in your house that, while not labeled as food or in any way definable as food, you could eat. 

Note: Absolutely none of these are good ideas. They’re very much in “both my hands are stuck in mouse traps and I need to drive to hospital, guess I’ll steer with my teeth” kind of territory — very, very bad ideas only to be explored if absolutely no other options are available.

Stretch Armstrong? More Like Stretch Arm-strongly Delicious!

The stretchy retro favorite is filled with corn syrup. It's unlikely to taste great, but - and this is very much not medical advice, so please don't take it it - might be better than not eating anything at all. CRACKED

Source / Vat19 

Crayola? More Like Cray-Oh-Yeah That Tastes Good!

Kids' art supplies are non-toxic, because kids aren't very bright. Crayons are only really made from wax and coloring, and will pass harmlessly through your system. Not particularly helpfully, nutritiously or tastily, but harmlessly. CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock 

Potting Soil? More Like Potting Boil Up a Nice Cup of Coffee to Accompany a Lovely Big Pile of Dirt!

According to Poison Control, when it comes to potting soil, nearly all ingestions produce no illness. It's not the most glowing praise ever - i it reads like a one-star review on Yelp - but if you really, really want to eat something... CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock  

Oven Grease? More Like Oven Please Sir May I Have Some More?

What is oven grease, really, other than fats and crumbs from previously enjoyed deliciousness? CRACKED


Petroleum Jelly? More Like Petroleum Get in My Belly!

You can eat Vaseline. Unused Vaseline, anyway - it's of minimal nutritional value but meets FDA human consumption requirements. Vaseline inventor Robert Chesebrough was such a fan he ate a spoonful and lived to 96. CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock  

Toothpaste? More Like This Is Delicious, Ain’t That the Truth Paste!

Don't eat a whole tube of toothpaste in one go, because you'll vomit and diarrhea all over the place. However, if a tiny taste of minty freshness after a silica gel dinner keeps you going, go for it! CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock  

Lubricant? More Like Lubri-Can’t Get Enough of This Stuff!

A general rule of thumb is that, if something isn't safe to eat, it also isn't safe to insert in your vagina or anus. This doesn't work the other way, however - a beef sandwich is delicious taken orally and a real mess taken vaginally. CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock   

Dog Food? More Like Doggone Delicious Food!

While eating nothing but dog food long-term will lead to vitamin issues, in a short-term emergency there's nothing stopping you from chowing down. In fact, who even needs an emergency? Open that can now, motherfucker! Woof woof! CRACKED


Fish Food? More Like Wish I Had More of This Deliciousness Food!

Fish flakes are generally made from fish meal, squid meal, shrimp meal, earthworms, spirulina and vitamins. The word meal wouldn't be in there twice if it wasn't hella edible! CRACKED


Bodily Fluids? More Like Oddily Delectable Fluids!

Poop and barf aside, all bodily secretions are consumable. In an emergency, don't wipe boogers under a table: scarf 'em down. Anything you might blast into a tissue, eat. Minimal nutritional value, but you're going out in style. CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock   

Household Plants? More Like Household Can’t Get Enough!

Household plants are split into three categories: delicious, disgusting and dangerous. If you have herbs, fruits or certain succulents, you have food. Or, if they're not the right kind of houseplants, you have a hideous painful death. Hard to know. CRACKED


Ants? More Like I’m So Full I Have to Loosen My Pants!

You can eat ants. They taste a bit soapy, like purple Skittles. It takes a lot of them to make a filling meal, but they're pretty nutritious and found damn near everywhere. CRACKED


Pets? More Like I’m Full But Laden with Heartache and Regrets!

If you have fish food and dog food, you have fish and a dog. You have lunch and dinner. Like hell you're chowing down on a fuckin' Stretch Armstrong and some lube with a fish tank full of appetizers swimming about. CRACKED

Source / Shutterstock  

Scroll down for the next article


Forgot Password?