It's finally happening, you guys. After more than two decades since the classic original duology, our beloved Terminator series is getting a new installment! Arnold's back, and he's older than ever! And after all these years, we're finally going to know what happened after the events of T2.

James Cameron Says His New 'Terminator' Movie Will Ignore All POSt-'T2' Sequels
Collider

Yep. It's just The Terminator, Terminator 2, and this brand-new film. Nothing more to see here. Please ignore any other variations you might falsely remember, because they absolutely don't exist.

Why It's Okay The Terminator Movies Are So, So Bad
Warner Bros. Pictures

Please.

OK, so mistakes have been made. But at least this time, James Cameron himself has sworn to personally delouse the soiled heap left by Terminator Genisys. That's new and special, right?

Why It's Okay The Terminator Movies Are So, So Bad
The Guardian

OK, maybe that's not new and special. Maybe -- just maybe -- we have no good reason to trust the Terminator franchise after being offered a ridiculous amount of "do-over" films. It's almost as if this story about a time-travelling robot assassin isn't really a repeatable premise. But of course, if that were true, then why would Hollywood keep insisting on making more? Surely the entertainment community would never needlessly stretch out a franchise solely to make money. Surely they greenlit this new Terminator film because they had a really good idea for a sequel. Surely Hollywood would never decide to make something before figuring out whether it's worthy of making. That would make them stupid idiots desperately clinging to a decades-old success, like a child savoring a long-eaten Skittles bag by eating their own shit for a week.

Why It's Okay The Terminator Movies Are So, So Bad
Warner Bros. Pictures

*cough*

Alright, so after careful analysis of the previous photograph, I'm willing to entertain the possibility that Hollywood eats its own shit. How do we deal with such a revelation? How do we accept that the Terminator series officially has more bad movies than good? The answer is simple: by remembering the roots of the franchise.

Cameron's premise is very much a twist on the slasher genre established by such films as Halloween and Friday The 13th, and the director had those gen
Den Of Geek

The above Cameron quote is often forgotten by fans, and says that the entire series was inspired by John Carpenter's Halloween. It makes perfect sense that the original was meant to be a slasher. The hero is a helpless young woman, the villain is an unstoppable killing machine, and both films even feature the late Dylan Shephard -- a famous horror film electrical and camera grip.

The time travel and future war were supplemental to the core purpose of the film. But we, the innocent audience, were thrown from this when Terminator 2 introduced an action element. When you start to recalibrate your mind to accept Terminator as another cheesy '80s slasher series, suddenly it all clicks into place.

Both Halloween and Terminator got gritty reboots ...

EVIL HAS A DESTINY THE ENO BEGINS A ROx ZOM8IL HALLOWEEN FILM TERMONATOR ee ERIE alE 5.22 ANT 31
Trancas International, Warner Bros. Pictures

... both got attempts to revive the classic characters ...

This summer, terror won't be taking a vacation. NEW MISSION. NEW FATE. IAMIE LEE CURTIS E N TERMINATURR TWENTY YEARS s LATER -0 JULY 7 IN 30 O7 BAYNEY
Trancas International, Paramount Pictures

... and now, years later, both series are making headlines for bringing back their lead actresses and original directors (as producers).

Jamie LeE Curtis Returning for Halloween' Reboot
Variety

James Cameron reveals Linda Hamilton will return for next Terminator movie
Entertainment Weekly

Because this is what slasher films do. They bring back old actors, introduce gimmicks, and get useless gritty reboots before ultimately fizzling out ...

WELCOME TO CRYSTAL LAKI HE KNOWS WHERE YOU SLEEP. EHE HOMNCES ou TS TERR HANLEL FRIDAY THE 13 ANIGHTMARE A ON ELM STREET FEBRLIARY 04.30.10 SCREAM the
New Line Cinema, Dimension Television

And that's how it's always going to go. Historically speaking, slasher films aren't repeatable premises. They are about a single individual going on a killing spree until they're stopped. And so every sequel is required to shoehorn some terrible reason to resurrect the villain, usually while promising that it's the "final" installment.

THEY SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST. JASON IS BACK. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR. FRIDAY THE 13 THE FINAL CHAPTER FREDDY'S DEAN NICHTMADE FI
New Line Cinema

This isn't even Jason's final "final" Friday.

It's like how every Terminator film "finally" stops Skynet. But in our hearts, we know there's never a "final" Terminator film, the same way there's never a "final" Friday The 13th. We know that every new installment can't exist without completely negating the previous film. Which is why after Terminator 2, there was no such thing as a good Terminator 3.

The only problem is that James Cameron and Hollywood don't seem to realize this, and keep trying to write some kind of worthy conclusion (as if T2 wasn't already that). But if they really wanted to save this howling fart train of a series, they would lean into my words and put Schwarzenegger in space or make him terrorize "the hood."

KN0T TERMINATOR VI TERMINATOR IN DA HOOD THAT'S ALSO IN SPACE ON THE MOON SCHWARZENEGGER HAMILITON LIL WAMNE THF FINAL CHAPTER

That's the Terminator sequel we deserve. And the moment we accept this is the moment America can begin to heal.

If you're James Cameron and want Dave to write "Terminator In Da Hood That's Also In Space On The Moon," please contact him on his Twitter.

Pour a glass of wine into this Terminator Hand Goblet that is frankly awesome as hell, and ponder the paradoxes of time travel and bad movie reboots.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.

For more check out 5 Reasons The Terminator Franchise Makes No Goddamn Sense and 4 Reasons Terminators Suck At Their Jobs.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out Why The Terminators Are Probably Just Sex Robots - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also come with us to Facebook, if you want to live.

Get More Comedy: Sign up for ComedyNerd

The ComedyNerd newsletter is your weekly look at the world of stand up, sketch, and more. Sign up now!

Forgot Password?