Why Growing Hamburgers in a Lab Will Doom Us All
Last week, Dutch scientists provided the answer to a question nobody had asked when they announced the successful creation of laboratory-grown meat. Presumably while standing in front of a massive, sparking Jacob's ladder, these scientists also announced their plans to create the first artificial hamburger later this year, mixing artificial muscle, artificial fat and presumably a hint of love into a single lump of horrible. Time travelers arriving from later this year have yet to come back and warn us away from such a folly, but they are certainly en route.In a way, this shouldn't surprise us too much: Dutch cuisine is well known for its use of ingredients like dried fish, mayonnaise and despair, so news that those wooden-shoed madmen were creating another culinary abomination is perfectly within character. But it's their use of advanced genetic technology that raised our eyebrows, especially given our history of fabricating scare stories about modern science to drum up business for our Cracked-brand Apocalypse Kitz. So, to find out exactly how these meat-forging lunatics intended to destroy the world (and if they weren't doing that at all, to try and fix that), I was sent to the Netherlands. After touching down in Netherland City, I caught a bicycle to Maastricht University, which is not, as you might expect, built on an isolated island or in the heart of an active volcano. It was just a completely regular-looking Dutch university. There I sat down with Dr. Mark Post, keeping a close eye to see if there were any restraints built into the chair I was sitting in.____________Cracked: Thanks for making time for me, Dr. Post.Mark Post: Oh, you're welcome. We've had a lot of attention from the media lately. C: I'll bet, I'll bet. Now, strictly speaking, Cracked.com is a little different from the media. We don't report on the world so much as pick at it and mock it and, oftentimes while doing so, befoul it. MP: I see.C: Like imagine the BBC, if the BBC got urine on the things it reports on. That's Cracked.MP: ... C: So with that out of the way and you still in the room, I guess my first question is to find out what exactly you're doing here. Re: this artificial meat business -- really? MP: Really. We're really making artificial meat.C: Like in a test tube?MP: A petri dish, actually.C: Because when people hear "test tube meat," they immediately think about university pranks gone wrong, and penile sutures, and embarrassing nicknames that never leave you. MP: ...C: Glass Porker. That was the one I was thinking of.MP: Wow. We're not doing that at all.C: I don't recommend it.MP: I can imagine.C: I don't recommend that, either.MP: This is kind of a strange interview.C: Well, you're kind of a strange-looking guy.
"Legally speaking, holy shit can we ever not publish this. What is the Latin for "holy shit"? We should look that up before the judge yells it at us." -- Cracked's attorneys
"Sanctus faeces" -- Cracked's attorneys________________________
Check out more from Bucholz in Unlikely Survival Guide: So you've been challenged to a duel and Complaints to Domino's That They Didn't Put in Their Ad.