Forget Fake, This News Is Certifiably Insane


So this silly bitch Jim Comey starts investigating Hillary Clinton for her shitty handling of emails back in summer 2016. Just before the election rolls into town, he decides to send a letter to Congress saying, "Oh shit, son, we got a pantload of new emails to look at!" Then three days before the election, he shrugs that shit off with "Eh, we just found some cat GIFs and pics of Anthony Weiner's dick, which is sad but not illegal." But it doesn't matter -- everyone thinks Hillary Clinton is the Baba Yaga of emails at this point. Trump wins the election.

Word spreads pretty quick that Trump may have some ties to Russia, whom we now suspect meddled in the election worse than Scooby and the gang meddled in the day-to-day business affairs of your average haunted amusement park. And by "some ties," I mean everyone Trump has appointed, worked with, met, or looked at is probably a sleeper Russian agent who, when given the signal, will together form Mecha-Putin. So Comey heads up an investigation into the Trump/Russia ties, and along the way Sally Yates gets fired, and so does Preet Bharara -- both of whom are looking into Team Trump's connections to Russia. Well ain't that a bitch?

Then in comes Trump out of the blue with the firing of Comey, claiming it was because of how he dealt with the emails months previously -- something which Trump publicly praised Comey for at the time.

What in the merciful fuck is going on? Trump fired the guy investigating Russia's interference with the election (which Trump won). And Trump gets to pick the replacement FBI director, who will take over the investigation. Trump firing Comey is like you shitting on your neighbor's lawn, then having the ability to kick them out of their house for complaining you shit on their lawn. In fact, it's like being able to fire the detective investigating your mass shitting spree across the entire country. Who the hell is OK with this? Sure, Comey seems as competent as a one-armed man in a clapping competition, but could there be any more suspect timing for canning him? Just days before, he asked for more funding for the investigation into Russia's meddling in the election. Even villains in Disney movies would call this a little too on the nose.

This story gets more and more ludicrous with each passing detail. If you pitched this as a political thriller to Hollywood executives, they'd usher you out of the building before you hit paragraph four of your synopsis, because it's dumb as shit and, by extension, so are you.

Look at the details here. Jeff Sessions ...

Sandy Huffaker/Getty Images

Sinister Gelfling and attorney general.

... had to recuse himself from any potential Russia investigation because of his own dealings with Russians. He's the one who recommended that the president fire Comey. The guy who's supposed to not be involved in the Russia investigation helped fire the head of the Russia investigation.

Rex Tillerson, also up to his old man balls in vodka and suspicious business dealings, met with Russian Minister Sergey Lavrov along with Trump the very next day at the White House, and Lavrov blatantly joked about Comey being fired. He then proceeded to have a private meeting which only Russian media was permitted to attend. In the fucking White House. The American one.

Everyone -- all the intelligence agencies, and from the look of things, Congress too -- is on board with the idea that Russia tried to influence the 2016 election. They might have just tried to do the same thing in France, too. Trump, meanwhile, continually calls the Russia investigation shit like "fake" and a waste of time. Sarah Huckabee Sanders went on TV after Comey was fired and said it's time to leave the investigation behind us. But it's ongoing, you unbelievable mind slug! The FBI issued subpoenas for General Flynn's business associates the same day Comey was fired. This is a real thing. There's real evidence.

You don't even have to lean left to see that this is a thing. No one, right now, is saying Trump is personally involved. It's heavily inferred, sure, but there's no evidence yet. But there sure as shit is evidence that people around him are involved, despite the dumb shit Kellyanne Conway told Anderson Cooper that made him roll his eyes so hard that the inside of his skull must have gotten a friction burn.

Forget Fake, This News Is Certifiably Insane

He was rushed into surgery before "retina detachment from bullshit" was declared a pre-existing condition.

People in the administration, people with ties to the White House, have clearly been involved in shady ways with the Russian government. Embrace that shit. Deal with it. No one likes it, but it's not like a kid on the schoolyard telling everyone you shit your pants when it didn't really happen. This shit really happened. And it's spiraling out of control in the most unbelievable way, made all the more unbelievable by the fact that every time someone hits political rock bottom, they pull out a goddamn shovel and dig just a little bit deeper, while the sane people in the world keep shaking their heads and hoping an adult shows up soon to make this all better. Well hold on to your butts, because there are no adults left in this fucking building.

If you need the perfect image of just how fucking bull-goose loony this is, how utterly baffling and beyond surreal, you have but to look at Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Sean "Are You Fucking Kidding?" Spicer dealt with this situation by hiding in some goddamn shrubs like he was a bush pig trying to lay low while a coyote ran past. There he stayed until reporters turned their lights and cameras off so he could venture out like a timid little chipmunk eager to eat your peanut but fearful of your heady man-stench. This is the White House press secretary, who required the cover of darkness and the safety of woodlands to address a pressing issue. Can you imagine what would happen if we ever went to war with North Korea? You'll have to dig to the bottom of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit to find Spicer, sitting in a tepid pool of urine and cheese with a snorkel on.

Not crazy enough for you? No worries, CBS news caught up with Vladimir Putin himself, in full hockey gear, at a hockey game, and asked his thoughts on Comey being fired. Putin offered an empty bag of shits to give about this, and explained Trump was following the Constitution and the law and fuck that, let's play hockey!

CBS News

"If democracy dies, it dies."

This madness is a daily occurrence now. How is no one with any degree of authority not sick of this shit yet? How can this be the longest presidency in the history of time after barely 100 days? If this was a Twilight Zone episode, you'd skip to the next one because it's too long, too stupid, and too frustrating to make whatever hamfisted point it was trying to make. You'd also yell at the screen and call all the characters stupid the whole time. But this shit isn't The Twilight Zone or a bad movie script or a terrible novel. This is the bullshit dragging everyone down, every day, on every side of the aisle, and I have $5 that say it gets a whole lot worse -- and, more specifically, stupider -- before it gets better.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we're living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house's lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, and Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler, for a retelling of history's biggest moments you didn't realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:


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